Helping DS cope with visits with dad

[rubin]

Does anyone have any advice on how I can help my DS1 cope emotionally when staying with his dad & away from me? He is only 2 yrs old & one of twins. The other twin seems to cope with the transition really well but last weekend when I went to pick them up from a weekend (Fri - Sun) with their dad DS1 broke down as soon as he saw me & just wanted to sit & be hugged by me. It was really heartbreaking. Previously he has been very withdrawn & sad but this time was even more upsetting.
The history is that I have never been in a relationship with their dad & so they've never been used to us living under the same roof. They have only started overnights with their dad since Christmas.

The plan is that they stay every other weekend with their dad, although it's more often every 3 weeks.

I just want to make it as easy for them both as possible & hate to see them so upset, especially at such a young age.

Hi
My DS's stayed overnight with their dad from when DS2 was 16 months, but only from 6pm-10am one night a fortnight.

I think It may be that 2 nights away from you is too long at this stage.

Have you spoken to their father? He may be able to shed light on why your son was so upset. What was the dads reaction at the time? How was your son after he had had a cuddle?

Do they have any contact with their dad between weekend stays?

Hi Miss Business,

Unfortunately the overnight stays are out of my control as they are in a contact order. I wouldn't let overnights happen before they were 2 year old at the earliest as I strongly believed the children were too young & too emotionally fragile. But I felt it was good to start overnights as they matured more & started to talk a bit. Their father also lives very far away so overnights become an inevitability, certainly from the courts point of view.

Unfortunately their dad is extraordinarily stubborn & unreasonable, so if I suggested that we should reduce the amount of time they are with him he would instantly see it as an attack from me & start threatening court action, etc etc. On that last occasion when DS got very emotional his dad just grunted that he was being contrary & had just worken up from a sleep. He, their dad, never gives me a true indication of how the boys get on when staying with him - simply that everything's perfect.

DS was fine when we got back home & does ask about his dad every now and then. I make a point of talking to him about his dad & reassuring him that he will be back & is going to phone. He phones them twice a week normally.

Perhaps I just need to keep reassuring him. Its just so upsetting to see him struggle with it all.

All I can offer is my support and also let you know I am in a similar boat.

I think all you can do is be there for them. Its hard not being able to discuss their needs with their father and its devastating seeing them upset but its better than arguing with their dad all the time. Its also easy to get bitter about all the water you have let go under the bridge

Its really important not to let your feelings about their dad known to them. I am sure you know this, but its amazing how many mums i hear slagging off the kids dads within earshot. Let them make up their own mind.

Treat your kids when you get them home, give them your undivided attention while you bathe them, watch a dvd, read to them and cuddle them. they will be tired from the journeys and change of diet and routine.

you are welcome to PM me, I am new here and seems like we are in similar situations, although I dont have experience with family court. not for want of trying my boys are now 11 and 12 and i am feeling the full effects of going it alone for so long

How have you felt with the new arrangements? I was always so grateful of a break, and i think the boys were too, but I worried a lot too and could not stay in the house alone for many years.

Hi,

I'm no expert as I'm new to being a lone parent but I can understand your worries. My son who is nearly 2 hasn't had any overnights away from me yet and I'm trying to keep it that way for a while. I've been talking with my bro who is a social worker about how me and ex might resolve access issues and what I might be able to do if the contact arrangements aren't working. He said that if a court order is made and you are unhappy with how things are going then you can go back to you solicitor and ask the arrangements to be changed. Your children's needs are the most important thing here - not the fathers. You know your son better than anyone else. My bro also recommended getting cafcass involved if it goes to court.

Good luck

can you try and build up more familiarity with your ex, using skype instead of phone, having some photos of your ex around their bedroom - try and get ex to buy into this and provide photos of him with the kids doing fun stuff, then they can remember him - I think 2yos have a limited sense of permanance for people, and a hightened sense of attachment. It would also be good if ex would allow you to skype them when they are with him, just so kids know you are still around.

Once the kids are older (say 6), this will no longer be necessary, so try and get your ex to buy into this idea - its win win for both of you, although it does require you to put your own needs to one side for the sake of the kids.

And you might need to make the first move to show your ex some good will. so kids could show daddy (via skype) the photo of him that they have in a frame by their bed, and send him pictures they have drawn....if your ex can see you encouraging the relationship, he might cooperate with this transition phase.

Thanks everyone for the advice & apologies I've only just replied - just not had a minute to sit down!
I took the first step of asking DS's dad to email a photo that I could put up in the boys room - hopefully that will help. Believe me that was very difficult! He's been so horrible to me over the last 2 years it will take a lot of strength to see his photo in their room all the time. But I know it's the right thing to do. Just so hard sometimes.

And I also asked their dad to drop the children off at their home (we've recently moved) so that the boys could see him in their home for a while & make the transition that bit easier. Things seemed a bit easier on the boys, but we'll see how it continues. It's a long road ahead.

Recommend you stick the photo on the wall, preferably somewhere reasonably unobtrusive to you - it will soon become part of the wall to you.

I made the mistake of allowing DD to decide where the picture of my ex went - it's on the wall by her pillow. I have great fun having to ignore that every night, but even that's becoming part of the wallpaper to me now.

*even there it's