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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

State of XH's house

22 replies

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/04/2011 18:24

We have been separated since August of last year, and he lives in the former marital home. The kids are 4 and 2 and spend most of their time with me, but have every other weekend and one night in the week with him and time every holiday (going through residence battle in the court at the moment as XH wants 50:50 but that is not relevant here...)

I went over to XH's house yesterday for tea with the kids as he is taking them away for 5 days to see his folks in the NE and I won't see them until Thursday.

The house is DISGUSTING. He doesn't have a cleaner and clearly never cleans properly. I bathed the children and the bath was absolutely filthy; there has been a piece of pizza on the bathroom floor for about 3 weeks (!); there is poo all over the toilet seat (not the underside - the bit you sit on); there was a brown smear on DS's bedroom wall. I can only imagine what it was, and whatever it is, it isn't pleasant. The kitchen makes me feel sick.

I know from speaking to my solicitor (I have taken photos and shown him - the house is still mine as well at the moment, as XH has not yet bought me out) that the level of squalor is not sufficient for it to be a welfare issue. Apparently there needs to be broken glass on the floor / hyperdermic needles lying around etc for it to constitute welfare issues.

But should I worry about this? Or do I just need to chill?

What is the point of bathing a child in a bath full of sand, mud and grot (there was snot stuck to the side of the bath for instance)? And why is it OK to expect my children to eat at a table that is never wiped and is covered in sticky gunk and cat fur? I don't want to eat there...

I suppose AIBU (but I'm not posting in there for a reason!)

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 19:05

as your sol says,not a welfare issue....yet....you need to keep those invites for tea coming so you can keep an eye on things

did you mention it to him?

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/04/2011 20:49

yes, i have mentioned it to him and he says 'it never represents an issue to the children'. he says he has 'scores of friends' who would vouch that the place is always clean and tidy for the children.

i have a good friend who is a neighbour of XH's and she goes in often with her two boys. she has in the past had to clean the toilet seat before she has let her boys use it and has had to ask XH to clean up a big pile of cat sick from the middle of the lounge floor (as she was worried the toddlers would play with it)

so it's not just me...

OP posts:

Hassled · 23/04/2011 20:53

Is there a parent/sibling of the Ex's around you could have a word with? Or the neighbour - he might take it better from someone else, IYSWIM.

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 23/04/2011 21:27

no siblings or parents around as they live over 300 miles away. interestingly when his mother does come to stay for the weekend, the house is as much of a pit when i go to collect the kids as it is usually. so clearly she doesn't think it is so much of a problem that she needs to sort it out.

he doesn't see the mess and filth - this is part of the problem. he didn't see it when we were together and i did all the tidying / cleaning. now that i am not there, it doesn't get done. and he doesn't see that it needs doing.

so even if the neighbour said to him 'i had to wipe the toilet seat as it had poo on it', he would just blame DS (aged 4) and not think of it as his responsibility to sort.

OP posts:

JuJusDad · 24/04/2011 22:06

that is utterly disgusting.

If he was a Council tenant of mine, I'd be telling him to sort it / get support to sort it (has he got MH issues?) or find himself in court for breach of tenancy conditions.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 24/04/2011 22:14

Do you think if he had a fresh start he might be able to keep him going. Could you help him get it cleaned up?

JuJusDad · 25/04/2011 22:02

Sorry, meant for my post to come out as more supportive and useful

It is disgusting that he lives like that and your DC have to go to a place in such a state.

I know that the point where things become a welfare risk for Social Services are quite high and so your sols most definitely has a point, but I think it would be worth your while to speak to Children and Young People's Services (CYPS - Social Services for kids) in your area to voice your concerns and see what their opinion is.

That said, don't hold your breath for them giving their opinion or acting on your information, even if you forward your photos to them.

HelloMyNameIsHilda · 25/04/2011 22:26

interesting - I have almost exactly the same issue (thank fully no poo yet though!) - my ex is in flat down the street from the ex- marital home where I still am and his place is hideously messy and dirty and covered in empty wine bottles and half drunk glasses - makes me feel quite ill and I hate the thought of my kids spending time there. (he is/was an alcoholic which was huge contributing factor to us splitting up so the booze stuff is like a red rag unfortunately) - I keep telling myself as long as he looks after the kids in general maybe it is ok, even good, for them to experience another side of life to the ordered tidy (ish ) one I provide. I don't REALLY believe it but it's how I make myself cope with it

cuteboots · 26/04/2011 12:41

how odd I have a similar issue in that my sons dad lives in a bedsit which I wouldnt house a dog in. We have agreed that he can pick my son up from my house but thats it. I wont let him spend time at his bedsit which is it ideal but Im open to him cleaning it up and then we can discuss further..

allnewtaketwo · 26/04/2011 14:54

Was he so dirty when you were with him - I can't understand how a fully functionning adult could one minute be normal and the next living in squalor. Is he on drugs?

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 26/04/2011 15:40

yes - he has always been a slob. it wasn't dirty when i lived there because i used to clean it all up but he was incapable of ever doing anything because he does not notice that anything ever needs doing!

i suspected i wouldn't be alone in this problem, which is why i posted here.

even if i went over and cleaned from top to bottom, he wouldn't keep it like that. he is incapable of seeing the filth. he denies it's there. it's as if, for him, it isn't there. he doesn't see bins overflowing; he doesn't see pizza on the floor; he doesn't see burnt food on the hob / mouldy food in the fridge etc etc...

OP posts:

performancegirl · 26/04/2011 16:43

my ex-p also lives in squalor although not quite as bad as you describe- whenever i go round to his flat I find myself tidying up or cleaning something & i am beginning to hate the fact that my children have to be in that environment. His lack of tidiness & the fact that he cannot see mess around him was one of the main reasons for our split & i know he will never change. It's frustrating but unfortunately there is nothing i can do about it as otherwise he is a good father to the boys.

mathanxiety · 26/04/2011 16:53

Is the house going to be sold? It will absolutely have to be in good nick if it goes on the market or you will stand to lose out financially. Could you get some sort of injunction to make him keep it sparkling for the purposes of sale? Right now the way he is keeping it could be construed as squandering a marital asset.

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 27/04/2011 08:48

performance girl - ex won't let me touch anything in the house. even stuff that is actually mine. so there is no way i could start to clean or tidy. even if i try to tidy up in the kitchen after a meal, he growls 'leave it' at me...

mathanxiety - there is a chance the house will need to be sold and this really worries me. he is supposed to be 'buying me out' and staying in the house, but if i do end up with residence of the children, he may decide to sell it as he has said before that there is no point having such a big house if there is just him in it. he wants equal care of the kids. i'm sure you can fathom one of the reasons i am not keen on this...

i have been worrying about how he would ever prepare the house for sale - he isn't capable of doing it.

OP posts:

cuteboots · 27/04/2011 12:18

allnewtaketwo- Its not filth as in faeces and stuff like that just plates of half eaten food and stuff like that. It also looks like a hoover would struggle with the carpet. I dont think there are any drugs involved I just think he works long hours and isnt into housework.

mathanxiety · 27/04/2011 15:37

Tis dissipation of an asset perhaps, if he is letting it go to pot around his head. Your asset.

It sounds as if there's a case to be made for neglect of the children if there's poop on the toilet seat, food going off in the fridge and left lying around on the floors, and untouched cat puke. And you have a witness and photos.

Does he have OCD or some other type of disorder? Lots of people work long hours and aren't particularly into housework but they do it because they prioritise health, if not their own then that of their children. Food lying around attracts vermin and flies. It will not be long before someone falls ill.

You might need some sort of order to get access to your own possessions and to force him to clean it up for sale.

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 28/04/2011 10:54

hmm - you have me thinking now actually mathanxiety.

there is now a damp stain on the ceiling in the lounge where obviously water has got thru from upstairs. who will sort that out if the house needs to be sold, as it won't be him... he left it 3 weeks in the new year before he got round to getting someone in to sort out the fact that there was no running water in the kitchen! so yes - i did say that. NO running water in the kitchen for 3 weeks in the new year after pipes froze / burst. 2 small kids (aged 2 and 4) and a nanny that also works there some of the time when the kids are there. and he didn't arrange for anyone to come and see to it for 3 weeks...

and then upstairs the saniflo on the toilet broke and it took him 4 weeks to get someone in to fix it. meanwhile toilet couldn't be flushed for 4 weeks and it is the only toilet upstairs so 4yr old was using it at night...

you can imagine, can't you...

my solicitor has been quite clear that the level of filth doesn't constitute a welfare issue at the moment.

as for OCD? yes - my solicitor reckons he is...

OP posts:

Stopthenonsense · 28/04/2011 11:19

Can solicitors diagnose OCD?

JuJusDad · 28/04/2011 18:49

Your solicitor probably doesn't know what CYPS would consider a welfare issue either. No offence, and as experienced as they may be, they're a solicitor, not a psychologist or a social worker.

Honestly, report it to your local CYPS - if he doesn't have some form of MH issues, then by most people's standards (even CYPS standards), he's in grave danger of putting his children's health at risk.

Plus there's what Mathanxiety says about dissipation of an asset.

Original poster

WishIWasRimaHorton · 28/04/2011 23:30

thanks. i am in wales - do we have CYPS here?

my solicitor does a lot of child protection cases, so knows quite a bit about welfare issues etc, but i agree it is worth following up.

tonight i noticed that the bath toys are covered in orange and black slime. the 2yr old drinks from them (as you do when you are two). i felt sick. and i have spent most of the evening crying about it. i feel totally powerless. and i am ashamed that i am doing nothing about it.

OP posts:

JuJusDad · 28/04/2011 23:51

Google suggests Wales still has Social Services rather than CYPS. there's the inspectorate: wales.gov.uk/cssiwsubsite/newcssiw/?lang=en and their number is: 01597 828 920, but I would've thought that you'll need to ask for whoever is the referral office in your exh's area.

Have you spoken to your sols about doing contact away from such a hole of a place, or stopping overnights? Or maybe pushing CAFCASS / SS to look at exh's mental state?

I'm just thinking that it might then shock / push your ex into realising that he really does need to do something about the state of the house.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2011 23:57

There's a difference between knowing the legal aspects or legal consequences of the issues and knowing what's an issue in the first place or being able to recognise one iyswim..

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