Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU and playing cruel games to hurt ExP?

13 replies

ihatecbeebies · 22/04/2011 18:09

I don't have any contact with ExP and had to get an interim interdict to prevent contact as he was abusive. Although I still try to maintain that my DS still sees his father so every fortnight and so DS's paternal grandparents pick up DS on the Friday and drop him back off on Sunday as ExP is back living with them. This arrangement was proposed by them and in the past 9 months or so they have not stuck to it, it has been 6 weeks, then 4 weeks, etc in between contact and they keep changing things. This was upsetting DS and so to keep things right I asked my lawyer to write up the arrangement and they had agreed to stick to it.

The first weekend they were 5 hours late dropping DS back off, the fortnight after that they were half an hour late to pick him up, and now they were due to pick DS up this Friday. On the Tuesday GM had text me asking if they could pick him up earlier, I asked what time and she said she didn't know and would get back to me, I didn't hear from them so assumed it was at the usual time agreed with the lawyer. They then text me 3 hours early and asked to meet me but I was out and explained that I hadn't heard from them so assumed normal pick up time and could meet them then. They said they were just going home and wouldn't pick him up later so if I didn't meet them then it would be another fortnight which I was unable to do so it would have to be another fortnight. I have now recieved a text which I believe to be from ExP (it sounds just like him!) saying I was hurting DS with my games and that I was very sad doing that. Was I being unreasonable here or have they? (Sorry it is so long!)

OP posts:

LilQueenie · 22/04/2011 18:16

yanbu they are. They havent been sticking to the agreement and 5 hours late is totally out of order.

TheVisitor · 22/04/2011 18:16

They have been, and tell him very clearly that his parents did not get back to you with a time, so you expected them as normal, not 3 hours early when you were out and about. Tell him that HIS parents were not prepared to wait and take DS and that you had to change your plans as they were so unreasonable.

Original poster

ihatecbeebies · 22/04/2011 18:42

Thanks, I was worried that maybe I was out of line, they always see me as the bad one no matter what I do....... They had recently called me up and asked me to lie to their local council about how often DS visits so ExP can jump up the list for housing and when I refused they gave me a load of abuse, said they couldn't see DS for another 4 weeks and then went behind my back and lied to the council on my behalf anyway, which was the last straw and made me contact the lawyer in the first place. It seems like they are the ones always playing games and then they say I am being unreasonable and I was beginning to think that maybe it was me and I was in turn hurting DS.

OP posts:

Jellykat · 22/04/2011 18:44

Presumably your solicitor stated times for pick up and drop off, on contact days?..If so, they are not sticking to the agreement.. Even if times are agreed verbally between you and them, they're still not sticking to it!

YADNBU!.They are messing your poor DS about!

Your Exps family sound like a bunch of control freaks, please write down all these incidences, with the date, for future reference.

Do not take anything in that text on board x

Original poster

ihatecbeebies · 22/04/2011 18:52

Yes the lawyer had confirmed set times for pick up and drop off, and I had also confirmed these times with them so they were fully aware of the times. I'm sad for DS that he couldn't go up as he loves visiting them but in a way I am a bit glad he isn't visiting as his behaviour when he comes back is awful, he is tired for 2 days after and acts up really badly, hits and shouts at me and his nursery notice a definite change in him as well, I think they don't give him proper bed times and he is frequently dropped off holding huge bags of sweets and with his 'dinner', a bag of chips and a bottle of irn bru, he has only just turned 4!

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 22/04/2011 20:34

YADNBU

Do what Jellykat said, write everything down, including the times when they turn up late, pick ups and drop off. Keep the texts too, including any that you send them in reply.

balia · 22/04/2011 20:36

Doesn't look great, does it? Apple not fallen far from the tree etc...

However, they clearly aren't well-organised people and maybe they are getting used to the new arrangements? How far away do they live? 5 Hours late is ridiculous assuming there wasn't a valid reason eg terrible journey due to traffic (and clearly they should have contacted you to explain).

Or maybe they are just pushing to see how much they can get away with? I'd write a polite letter reminding them that it is far better for DS to have routine, regular contact and that includes pick-up/drop off times that he can rely on. Say you understand that there will be unavoidable delays sometimes - there may be for you, too - and that half an hour either way is reasonable (depending on distance etc) but that any other variation needs to be agreed in advance.

Don't engage with ex if he is abusive, ignore text completely. And I agree with Jellykat keep a diary of contact.

It may be that in the long run you have to accept that they are unable/unwilling to stick to the pattern and DS will see them far less often than he could. But it sounds like thay would be the losers and it might be better if being with them was a one-off treat for him, rather than a regular thing.

balia · 22/04/2011 20:36

And keep a copy of the letter.

Jellykat · 22/04/2011 20:48

OMG - Irn Bru for a 4 yr old ?!

My DS2 was always really angry after seeing his dad, god knows what he'd of been like, if he'd have had the additional stuff your DS has..

You could consider going back to your solicitor, and getting him/her to write a strong letter emphasizing the agreed times...If it ever went to court, all their messing your DS about, would look very bad indeed.

Original poster

ihatecbeebies · 22/04/2011 21:44

They live about an hour away, but when ex stayed right next to me he was still doing the exact same, before I resorted to going to the lawyer I had asked them time and time again about please sticking to times etc so that I could try and work around them but they would still mess me around. These times and days have been the same for the past 9 months so they are definitely not just getting used to them, and when they were 5 hours late GM said it was because GF was working but he then looked at her with a really confused expression and said that he hadn't been and he was off that day.

I think she is still bitter about me splitting up with her son and we've never really got on either so I think she is just purposely messing me about because I've always put up with it and never stopped DS from seeing them (my own dad died when I was very young and I didn't see much of his family because of a feud with them and my mum so I would never want DS to not see his dad as I know how bad that is). I've still got the texts from them so I'll write it all down and go back to my lawyer with it, has anyone been to court before over access, I've heard that it is horrible and upsets everyone and should be avoided at all costs so I'm dubious about upsetting anyone with having to go to court?

OP posts:

ValiumBandwitch · 22/04/2011 21:51

So his parents are allowed have plans, but you're not. That's unreasonable of him definitely. He thinks you should stay in, wait by the phone awaiting instructions from his parents!! They are lucky to have fortnightly contact.

Jellykat · 22/04/2011 22:25

I've been to court re. access 3 times.
The first time was scary, but only because i didn't know what to expect.. If you have a good solicitor and barrister, and you know you are sticking up for your DSs, it gives you the momentum to 'battle'.

However,although the court can make a contact order,they can't enforce it on your Exps side, and as you don't want to stop contact it's probably pointless going there - the threat of it may sort them out though IYSWIM- See what your solicitor says...

balia · 23/04/2011 09:41

Agree with JellyKat again, voice of experience. The court won't be able to make them come on time. In fact there's a no order principle, so if you go and say you are ok with the contact but you want them to be on time, and they say, oh yes we will...then you are back to square one minus shedloads of cash.

You'll have to calmly, consistently make it clear that you expect times to be adhered to and if you can't facilitate changes then you certainly won't respond to nasty little texts. That said, if they ask to change times (and give notice, unless in an emergency) and you haven't got any other plans, then fine.

Flip