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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dcs first weekend visit to their dads this bank holiday weekend

13 replies

redhappy · 20/04/2011 20:39

We have recently split, so it will be the first time they go to him, and the first time in years I have that sort of time to myself.

My friend suggested I make some plans to keep busy otherwise it might hit me really hard when they're not there. I think she's got a point I just don't know where to start. Most of my friends will do doing things with their dps and dcs. I don't mind spending time by myself, I enjoy it. But I can't spend all weekend moseing round the shops.

I just don't know what to do with that amount of time to myself anymore! I'm thinking maybe go to the cinema? Don't fancy going for drink or meal on my own. What do you do when your dcs are away?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

K999 · 20/04/2011 20:48

When ex DH and I spilt up I found it hard...but I spent time focussing on me. Ex DH for all his faults has always been a good dad so I didn't have to worry. I spent time reading, mums netting, having baths, housework, shopping, calling old friends, walking, tidying DDs bedroom and leaving a surprise on her bed for when she got back, watching TV, reading mags, painting my nails, getting my hair done etc etc (that wasn't all in one weekend btw!)

fluffles · 20/04/2011 20:50

how about a crafty or a diy project - something to really get your teeth into which is more creative than housework.

brightermornings · 20/04/2011 20:53

You'll be very surprised at how quick the time goes!! What about a swim? You could hire a film. It will give you some time to get on top of the housework then when they get back you can spend all your time with them.

tomtommum · 20/04/2011 21:39

it is really hard at the beginning. my ex dh is Italian and lives in Italy, we split when my ds was one and moved back to the UK. At the age of 18 months ds went to stay with his dad for 3 weeks. That nearly killed me !

It is good to plan something to do with your time, and keep busy, but brightermornings is right, it goes by really faster than you think. Yes, cinema is great, achieving boring housework/shopping/spring cleaning etc is always positive as you can spend more time with dcs when they are home again.

But maybe this first time book something to pamper yourself - manicure, haircut, massage etc. And enjoy those lie ins - dont plan anything before midday, believe me even if you wake early from habit make a cuppa and get back into bed. It feels very indulgent but I am sure you deserve it !

paulwellerfan · 20/04/2011 22:01

I am with you on that one- my ex left on Monday and although it was my decision and i feel so much better already now he has gone- the children are going to him on Friday just for 24 hours. He has never been very hands on, he is not particularly patient with the children and his place is not really suitable for them- so i am dreading it too. I feel like i need a break as i parent them completely on my own and i always have, even when he was still here- so i am exhausted and badly need a rest. However, i am more anxious about how they will be than how much i will miss them.
I am planning to catch up with some jobs and try to focus on the practical things that need to be done- we havent sorted any finances or access arrangements out yet so it will give me an opportunity to get that stuff well on the way to being sorted.
Hopefully i will also find some time to relax and enjoy some peace and calm.
Hope you enjoy your weekend- if ever you fancy a chat please feel free to pm me- i do know how you feel and it is hard when everyone else has family, husbands and kids with them. I have no family anywhere near me and all of my friends are married- so i feel very isolated. In fact a very good friend of mine is getting married tomorrow- i am so happy for her and i am going to try very hard tomorrow night at her reception to be positive- when, in fact i feel very sad and very lonely!

tomtommum · 20/04/2011 22:12

Paulweller, that sounds really tough. You need to remember the positives about why he has gone, and how you feel better already, which will only get even better with time. Its really hard worrying if your children will be ok with him, but I am sure they will be fine.

And don't be too hard on yourself dealing with all that paperwork - if it seems too much to do it all just do a part, you can't climb Everest at the drop of a hat ! some of these things take time anyway. Sounds like you need some rest, which is really important for you, and your children.

And hope you can enjoy your friend's wedding, I am sure it will be a happy occasion, and I guess you will have other friends there too who you can enjoy spending time with.

paulwellerfan · 20/04/2011 23:12

Thanks Tomtommum- yep- you are right- i am my own worse enemy- i always try to do too much and try too hard to cope- maybe this weekend i could write a list of all the things that i need to do rather than actually try to do them all at once!!
Thanks for your advice and kind words- i appreciate it alot.

paulwellerfan · 22/04/2011 17:09

Hi again- just to let you know my children have just gone off for 24 hours with their dad and i feel so sad- i am planning to keep myself busy with housework, sorting clutter, etc- but it is a beautiful day and i feel so alone. It feels as if everyone else is with their families and i feel really isolated- my parents and my sister are away abroad on holiday and all my friends are married and with their families- why does it hurt so much?

Hope everyone is ok- and that anyone on their own this weekend manages to enjoy the peace and quiet and eat lots of chocolate eggs!!

brightermornings · 23/04/2011 13:54

Hope your doing ok paulweller. Take it easy it's still early days.

refmum · 23/04/2011 16:54

hi, i hope you are ok.

I am recently separated and am with my 4 sons this weekend (their dad is on holiday.)

I empathise with you about feeling lonely,this is a time of adjustment for us newly single mums,it's going to take time.

I know of one other mum in real life that lives nearby,she's single with 3 young children,one just a baby,i think of her when i'm finding it tough and i'm lonely,it's easy to think you're alone in this situation but really we're not,there are so many others just like us getting used to a new kind of life,we need to be patient and gentle on ourselves.

Eventually we will get used to our new way of life i'm sure of it : )

paulwellerfan · 23/04/2011 19:25

Hi again- the kids have just got back and they have had a great time- why does it feel so strange- they are full of it and my dd hasnt stopped since she got in telling all about their day with daddy. I know that i should feel pleased that they had a good time but because of how their dad treated me and how he was when he was here i am finding it really hard to hear how they had such a good time.

Hope everyone else is ok and that you all have a good Easter.

Refmum- you are right, we are not the only ones- and yes, we need to take it easy on ourselves- it is a huge period of readjustment and at a time when we are feeling vulnerable and exhausted makes it even harder.

Their dads get the nice bits and get to spend the fun times together- for us left at home it is not such fun- doing all the housework, discipline and generally raising the children on our own- i hope that i get used to it- at this precise moment i am feeling really disheartened- i feel as if he is going to use the kids against me- give them a good time to make homelife with me seem not so nice- shame he couldnt have made homelife pleasant whilst he lived here.

Sorry for rant- i am very emotional and need some of you guys around the corner from me so i can pop in an have a glass of wine and a natter when i am feeling low.

brightermornings · 24/04/2011 21:43

How are you feeling today? Try not to think too much about what there doing when there with your ex. There with there dad and that's what's important. It is hard and some days are really bad. I just tell myself I'm doing the best I can and I don't always get it right and sometimes I'm out of my depth but I'm trying and hopefully that will count for something.

Keep posting on here there are lots of lovely people who have been through and are going through what you are so know how you feel.

Take it one day at a time.

paulwellerfan · 24/04/2011 23:05

Thanks Brighter- i am feeling abit better today- we have had a good day together and am planning a nice day tomorrow to make the most of our time before the kids go back to school on Tueday.

It is ironic isnt it- because i want them to have a nice time and i so wanted him to be more hands on and more supportive towards the kids when he was here- i feel sad that he couldnt do it for them when he was here and now he has them to spend positive time with them- leaving all the boring, mundane stuff for me. So i would rather they are happy when they go to him but i guess as i feel so angry towards him because of how badly he treated me i worry that they will like it better there and see me as the baddie- if only they knew how bad things had been- but i managed to protect them enough to enable them to maintain a relationship with their dad. I feel as if he is using them to get back at me for ending the marriage as it it the only way that he can exert control over me now.

Anyway- onwards and upwards... lets get on with the week..!

Hope OP is ok- we havent heard from her recently, have we?

Hope everyone has a good bank holiday- hope the sun is still shining tomorrow.

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