Am I right to stop contact temporarily?

[tarotcard]

Hi there

I left my ex-H five years ago due to verbal and at times physical abuse.

Since then I've done everything possible to maintain the contact between him and DS (now 7). I met my new partner just over a year ago, and since then ex-H has refused to communicate in any way with me (apart from abusive texts calling me a prostitute and a whore which resulted in the police charging him with harassment). He has also bad- mouthed me to DS on a regular basis. Throughout this he has continued to see DS - I use DS's childminder as third party for pick ups and drops offs.

Anyway as the Easter holidays approached I thought I should try to start communication again and sent him an email asking which days he wanted to see DS - so I could then arrange the pick up times with the childminder. I got no reply at all - instead as he usually does he phoned DS to try to arrange direct with him. All I could glean from this was that he wanted to have him for the day today (Monday) so although I know its not ideal that he should try to make arrangements through a child, I made the necessary arrangements with the CM.

So...he turns up today to collect DS from the childminder, according to her he stormed in wearing full cycling gear (obviously wanting to take DS cycling), his first words to DS were 'Where's your bike?' , DS replied 'its at home, I didn't feel like bringing it', ex-H then says ' Right, thats it, you can stay with her now' and stormed out of the childminders house. i.e he was so incensed that DS hadn't brought his bike that he forgo the chance to see him today having not seen him for about 10 days.

I know the real reason for his behaviour is his anger towards me, but obviously it really affects DS and he was quite upset today.

Because of this and ex-H's inability to communicate with me, I am thinking of stopping contact until he can behave like a grown-up.

Would really appreciate any thoughts? Thanks..

any contact order?

No absolutely none.

I wish there was - then at least it would be formalised. My solicitor contacted him several times suggesting we formalise contact, but he has ignored all their letters. And I understand that he is the one that would have to apply for a contact order, not me ?

no advice really. don't know enough to give proper advice, perhaps get your child minder to write down her account of what happened would be a good idea.

i would want to stop contact until he can arrange it properly.

poor ds how is he feeling about it all?

blackeyedsusan- ds seems OK about it now, although the childminder said he was obviously struggling not to cry at the time. I'm just going to make sure the rest of the holidays are lots of fun with friends and family etc.

I guess I'm just coming to the end of my tether in trying to maintain contact for DS with an angry, controlling man who refuses to communicate with me or my lawyer. Do you really think I should stop contact until he arranges it himself - ie by contacting me or my lawyer ? (sorry for repeating myself, I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for DS). Thanks...

you need proper advice from somewhere. it can't be doing ds any good to be treated like he was by Dad.

i don't think you would be seen as unreasonable to only arrange contact when ex has texted/emailed you. relying on a 7 year old is ermm putting too much pressure on a 7 year old in my opinion.

I would definately be keeping a log of what you have done to contact ex, because i would not put it past him to accuse you of withholding contact at a later date.

Have you tried ringing womens aid, at least to find out where else you can get help.

I would get the childminder to write what happened down, then stop contact until he agrees a formal contact arrangement with the lawyer that includes a promise to show basic manners to any 3rd parties trying to help him.

The childminder is under no obligation to tolerate this nonsense, and most in my neck of the woods would refuse to help any further after this, she's paid to care for your child, not deal with agression or stupidness like this from adults. She isn't a family support worker, but sounds like a good person. Don't risk losing decent childminder for the ex's sake as it'll be the child that suffers, not him.

Sometimes you have to detach, take a step back and stop enabling the dysfunction.

good post bochead.
Look after you your ds and your childminder.
You would not be suspending contact as it sounds as if you are doing all the arranging.

Wait for him to do the arranging through you, why don't you 'lose' ds phone or something so he has to go through you.

Thanks everyone, and bochead you're absolutely right, I need to stop letting it happen. I've just texted the childminder to say it won't happen again and that I'm stopping all contact for the time being.

Sometimes you just need to hear an objective point of view..

Agree with mamas12 - get rid of DS's phone. It is completely unreasonable to arrange contact through a child in this way. I'd also write to your ex in a non-emotional manner, stating that due to the unpleasantness of this event, you can no longer use the childminder as a third party handover, and it is up to him to organise an appropriate person/venue (eg contact centre) and that contact should now be organised in writing x amount of time beforehand.

That covers you from accusations of stopping contact, and leaves him to deal with the consequences of his actions. (And keep a copy of the letter.) You can get the lawyer to do it but that will cost you (unless you're on legal aid).

balia's approach is perfect except I'd pay for the letter to come from a solicitor - just to maintain my distance & help avoid getting sucked into any direct rows. Totally agree he needs to be the one handling the consequences of HIS OWN actions. Removing the phone stops the child haing to bear Daddy's emotional burdens - it's just not fair to the kid.

Think of it as the "naughty step" for an adult ; ) He needs to be put in a safe space that forces him to calm down and confront his own temper tantrum, away from anyone else lol!

whilst a court order will almost inevitably push towards unsupervised contact in the manner of the contact he has right now, may I second balia's suggestion you contact NACC - National Association Of Child Contact Centres?

Although I'd say you do it, and tell him that meanwhile he can talk to DS via webcam or some other manner that you can supervise, and that if he becomes emotional or abusive to either of you, then you will end the conversation.

That way, you are taking control of the situation, whilst showing that you are doing all that is reasonable for him to maintain contact with DS. A self referral to NACCC will take about a month to get from referral to actual contact.

I would in part agree with Boched.

However one thing that i would definately disagree with with respect to her post is not to stop contact, this is inexcusable and not right. He is a parent as well as you, how would you feel if he had Son in his home and you flipped so he refused you contact or returning said Son?

Actions that i would advise you take:

• Explain to your Son why your Ex-H has acted like that for example "Your Daddy should have done something different with you if you had forgot your bike" and ask how they feel (remember, re-assurance)
• Get childminder to write account (sign and include dates, times and contact number)
• Record this event in a log (diary)
• Contact Ex-H to explain how his action had affected his Son and that you want to say its wrong and that he could have done something different. Remember not to sound like you are teaching him how to be a father. Men don't like it and probably won't listen.

In my opinion contact should only be stopped if there is a serious risk to your Son. The actual fact of the matter is that most women refuse contact to their OH because they THINK they are doing it "for the protection of the child"... this is a case that i have heard of all too often, and often when rationale is added into the equation it actually serves more as isolation rather than protection. However convincing the restricting party to recognise this works only on very rare occasion.

Contact Centres are great, but expensive, costing in the region of £50 per hour, and are mainly used for parents who are a flight risk or are probable to put their child in harms way.. my foster daughter sees her dad at a contact centre once every 3 weeks on a Saturday from 11am-12pm.

Stopping contact temporarily is a bad idea, having the dude walking in and out as and when he pleases will further distress your child... I know it did mine.

Court is a messy process, but it gets the job done. Failing this, and before anybody jumps down my throat I KNOW it's not up to you to do all the running, try to isolate the exact problem between you and your ex and attempt to neutralise it. I went through the courts with my ex for 2 years, worst experience of my life! Eventually, we sat down and spoke as adults and are now pretty good friends considering the nature of our break up. From experience, I can honestly say that being able to find common ground and to get on with your ex for the sake of your child, and your own sanity, is the best way for your child to have a happy normal upbringing.

If he continues to mess your child around, I would permanently stop contact and explain your exact reasons for doing so to your ex, your solicitor and your child.

yes. He has to grow up before he can see his son.

If he's ignoring solicitors letters then it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. Can you try family mediation (although he sounds like the type of bloke it won't work with) and then a contact centre?

I stopped XP seeing the kids as he kept throwing abuse at me, we tried family mediation and the officer asked him to leave as he couldn't keep calm and he didn't turn up at the contact centre despite having 2 appointments. It says a lot about his priorities and we haven't seen him for 2 years.

Im absolutely amazed by these responses!?

As i have said:

• Explain to your Son why your Ex-H has acted like that for example "Your Daddy should have done something different with you if you had forgot your bike" and ask how they feel (remember, re-assurance)
• Get childminder to write account (sign and include dates, times and contact number)
• Record this event in a log (diary)
• Contact Ex-H to explain how his action had affected his Son and that you want to say its wrong and that he could have done something different. Remember not to sound like you are teaching him how to be a father. Men don't like it and probably won't listen.

Lets be honest if the boot was on the other foot and this was a mum carrying out this action contact wouldn't be stopped temporarily or otherwise. I would also say the comments of stop contact permanently by some here are abolutely disgusting!

contact centres aren't necessarily an expense. They are if you want / need one to one supervised contact, but the one I used was completely free. Even the tuck shop was dirt cheap - 25p for a cuppa!

www.naccc.org.uk/

Our contact centre is free too. Was arranged through the police / womens aid IIRC. Hopefully you won't get that far and won't need one!

Riakin - your suggestions would be valid, but you seem to have missed the bit in the OP where it's made clear this isn't NRP just having a bad day - this is symptomatic of his attitude towards both the OP and towards her DS.

Therefore, he needs something rather stronger and clearer than being told don't do that again. He needs to be shown that his behaviour is unacceptable and has consequences.

PinkCarBlueCar

I haven't missed this point, i have explained that as some on here are instantly saying stop contact.

Don't forget, as much as if i was to say my story, there is always 2 sides to this. For example my ex has always been "he's a brilliant Dad" however since arrangements started breaking down and with me myself now progressing court for contact all of a sudden im "not a capable father, was never supportive to needs of D. Never paid any maintenance whatsoever, have been violent in the relationship, made malicious accusations at other half" (thats just a taster!)

What i'm getting at is although i'm not doubting the OP, someone reading the views (now) of my ex would probably be shouting the same thing, however if i could present all the evidence to back up this "slander" then people may look at me in a different light. If he is an ar5e as soon people are saying he's exactly that.

My points are well covered and serve as recommendations from both points of view of mediators as well as child psychologists.