Update

[wirral]

Where to start??

Daughter still with exh. Exh and I have both been into school (at same time) to discuss daughter's behaviour. Several times exh has phoned me to go to his house as daughter (11) is trashing the house and he would like my support. I say "support" as I am unable to offer much help. For example last time I went round daughter was in a mood, got glass of water and then just dropped glass and it smashed on floor. We both admit that we don't know how to discipline her so exh asked school for help. Sadly , from my point of view, exh blames her poor behaviour on my bringing her up for last 5 years. He is starting to make me agree with him.

We agreed that exh and I would make decisions and attempt to ensure that daughter would not play us off against each other. Daughter has been staying with me every time exh works (he works shifts). This weekend they have all gone abroad (exh , daughter. exh's girlfriend and her daughter) to Hong Kong so I am a bit miserable.

I've got the cats to look after. I bought daughter the cats and then they moved to her Dad's when she moved out - 6 months ago. Daughter is very, very unhappy about me looking after them. Go figure?? I love them and they are great company. Daughter refused to stay with me on Friday night as she was so unhappy that I am looking after her cats.

Have had numerous texts from her and have spoken to her today whilst she's in airport.

Am not too sure what I am hoping to gain from posting this text but am more than slightly fed up at moment. A daughter who doesn't want to live with me on holiday with Dad and girlfriend to Hong Kong. Just need to get through next 12 days

Am so sad

Oh Wirral. You sound like you're having a very tough time :(
Do you feel that she is maybe trying to convince herself/you that it's better at her dad's but in reality it's not and she hates that and so she's taking her anger out on him/you trying to get a reaction, even if it is just a negative one.

I would say perhaps you need to distance yourself and tell him he needs to deal with the behaviour at his house and you will discuss/support whatever descion he makes but he must make it in his house (his house his rules) and carry out whatever consequences he feels are appropriate.

He's probably finding it tough having to dicipline if he's only been the 'fun' parent up till now and she's perhaps pushing as she's not sure of her boundaries with him.

And yes, of course it's easy for him to blame you. But he needs to step up and parent this child now. And that includes dealing with her negative behaviour.

I know quite a few parents who have found 11 a difficult age (including me). They are still children but coming to the end of primary so feel more grown up and test their boundaries a lot.

Enjoy having the cats there. Enjoy having some contact via text and be excited for her. But also use this time to recharge your batteries and to take some time out for yourself.
Big hugs