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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

fathers visiting rights?

16 replies

saman72 · 14/04/2011 23:46

I seprated from my ex-h a few months ago. My daughter is 15, and son 12. He works away all week. When it comes to weekends, the kids dont ever want to go. Daughter normally spends around 2hrs per week at hes place, but doesnt want to do that every weekend, and son goes for a few hours. They both get really bored there, and make excuses not to go. I feel bad for them, and for him. He is very controlling and insecure. I try to encourage them seeing him, and dont know what to suggest to make it better for them. He wouldnt listen to any ideas, ie dvds etc, and he def wont take them out of his place anywhere! Feel bad, as Im out of the situation, but put them in it. I know he misses them, but he wont do anything to make them want to go. What should I do?, Should I make them go? What would the law say about this, at their ages? Thanks for any help.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2011 23:50

the law would ask them their views and take it from there

nobody can force contact,and the contact is always for the childs benefit,never for the parents benefit.

keep doing what your doing by encouraging

cestlavielife · 14/04/2011 23:56

it is in his ahnds

"he misses them, but he wont do anything to make them want to go"

it is not your problem any more.
sad but true

saman43 · 15/04/2011 00:02

I know what you mean, but it is still me problem. These are my kids, that I love. Their problems, are my problems. I know he feels that they dont care about him, and should want to see him. They do care, but he will drive them away in the end. They get upset with me, for saying they really should see him, he gets angry when I say they are busy or unwell. Help

GypsyMoth · 15/04/2011 00:05

are you the op??

saman43 · 15/04/2011 00:19

huh? Soz what does op mean? Lol, this is all new to me?

Gonzo33 · 15/04/2011 06:24

Original Poster - the username has changed.

At their age they can pretty much make their own mind up. Personally I would tell the exh the truth and say that the children are telling you they don't want to go to his and why. Maybe suggest a meeting on neutral ground for them all to talk about their issues with contact with him. Then you have literally done everything you can. Tell your children why you are doing it and that it is the last time you "nag" them about seeing their Dad (You know they will see it that way...lol).

hempship201 · 15/04/2011 08:38

My DC were at a similar age when they decided not to continue seeing their dad, he never made any effort with them when they visited (including never providing suitable food or activities). There was no legal recourse for my ex as it was their decision - the courts wouldn't expect you to force them to go at their age.

In the long term it has been better for them, making the decision themselves meant they had control over the situation, and they've been able to spend their weekends doing stuff they actually enjoy rather than sitting at their dad's out of obligation. They are 21 and 18 now and are well adjusted and happy, despite no longer having any contact with their dad.

berrieberrie · 15/04/2011 09:06

I'm not sure about this. I understand what dragonfly says about contact being for the good of the children and not the parents. But at 15 I would say your son has a moral obligation to spend at least some time with his father, possibly the 12 year old too.

When we were kids we had this miserable old nan who no one liked but we were made to go and see her and I'm really glad i did because she died and I think i'd be gutted if I hadn't made the effort.

I don't think it's righ to teach our kids that if family members are boring, don't buy us DVDs and don't take us out we can just forget they exist. They need a relationship with their dad, and he's ahuman being too, he deserves to see his kids. I think they should continue to go and you should enforce the importance of this.

berrieberrie · 15/04/2011 09:12

I also think that letting them lie saying they are ill or busy is terrible. You should always be truthful about why you choose to do things. They should be encouraged to stand up and say 'dad, we're not coming because we feel you don't make an effort with us, we love you but we feel distanced from you by the way you behave' the boy is old enough to have a mature conversation like this, and the girl could be by his side. Hiding behind fibs isn't helping anyway and doesnt teah them to stand by their feelings.

saman43 · 15/04/2011 09:58

Its my daugther who's 15. She has nothing in common with him, when she visits they just sit in front the tv, when really she wants to be out with her friends. I dont lie about her being busy, or about my son being poorly. He gets a stomach ache, and starts to feel poorly. Im sure its just the anxiety, but I dont lie! I dont expect him to always buy them things, or take them out (once would be nice), but just to get to know them. Maybe its too late for that. When he lived here, he spent weekend on the games console with headphones on.
I had been inviting him here, to make it easier on them, but now he wont come. Cant tell them how they feel, he would just get angry with them, and it would make it worse.

cestlavielife · 15/04/2011 11:14

if they to treat him as an elderly infirm relative then they dont need to spend whole weeknds with him. if you put their dad in category of boring old relative - then surely a dutiful two hours a week is plenty.

i can see what posters are saying - if they only going for two hours or jsut a few hours - then on some level should be encouraged - but frankly if he doesnt make the effort and they dont enjoy the time with him then i dont think it is the same as the elderly aunt/granny. not at all. it Is only few hours - it is up to HIM to make some effort so they want to go back.

maybe drop regular two hours once a month for now - then with room to increase again if he makes an effort.

but saman43 needs to let go of trying to froce the relationship - she cant . it is the dad's responsibility.

he isnt an elderly frail infirm relative is he?

it is in HIS hands.

it is all very nice saying "they should have a relationship with dad" but why should the children be doing all the running?

berrieberrie · 15/04/2011 11:23

But would it make things worse? Maybe he has no idea how they feel? Maybe it's what he needs to hear..?
I'm sorry i made some incorrect assumptions from your posts.

I don't think any 15 year old girl has anything in common with their dad, I know I didnt! But I am so glad I made the effort to go and see him when my parents split. My sister didn't, and no one made her. they have a terrible relationship now where as mine and his relationship is strong. He was just not very good with connecting with teenagers... who is? But he's a good dad to adult children.

I don't actually beleive it is all the responsibility of the parents once they are this age, the children need to make an effort too. I think celavie is right, it doesn't need ot be a whole weekend, maybe one morning or afternoon each week? Or dinner and a stay over once every 2 weeks? But something needs to be encouraged.

lifeshock · 15/04/2011 16:04

Hi
I had a similar problem with my kids not wanting to see their dad they are quite similar ages too. At the end of the day I think that if you care about your kids you want them to have a relationship with their father. I have compromised on my feelings massively and now instead of them going to his (which they hated) I let him come here twice a week for tea. This has been really difficult because a lot of me hates him for what he has done. BUT the children are so much happier, they get to spend time with their dad on their terms. I also encourage him to ferry them about a lot more to their friends school, etc, at least then he is still involved in their lives
Not for everybody I know. Would this work for you, do you still get on with your ex?

Good luck

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 16/04/2011 15:14

I think he has a moral obligation to make it appealing for them to go. It doesn't have to be for the whole time they're there but he could arrange for them to do something eg swimming for a couple of hours. It's unreasonable of him to expect them to want to go to his just to sit in front of the tv for the whole time they are there.

lookingfoxy · 16/04/2011 18:24

I think you should be honest with him and tell him he is driving them away, I would point out though that at 15, your dd is naturally going to want to spend the time with her friends and its no reflection on him.
Do they do any activities that he could go to or take them to that would pass the time and he would still see them.
My dad was awful in many ways, but he would take us out a walk or whatever and chat away to us. Tell him it doesn't need to be 'hours', a half hour walk and chat/kick about with a ball would be far more productive.

ivykaty44 · 16/04/2011 18:27

Its the childrens rights to see their parents. You can't force a relationship on someone, best to concentrate on your own relationship with your teens and let them sort out things with their other parents when and how they want to.

Never bad mouth another parent, never make excuses for another parents - tell your teens to talk to him about the problem if there is one as communication is a golden rule for life.

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