Before I go and start WW3 - Opinion on 3rd birthday and ex's family

[Katyathegringa]

I apologise for war and peace in advance!

I'm starting to plan my DD's 3rd birthday, which in my opinion is the first birthday that she will be interested in who is there, rather than it mainly being for the family as it was for the 1st and 2nd, i.e. she won't want a party full of adults with a couple of kids - but will want to see her friends.

My (soon to be) ex h's family are more than likely going to want to rock up at it; they're south american and v family orientated) - the family consisting of the grandparents, one set of auntie/uncle and some extended family (great aunties for a start) plus any visiting relatives, so quite a lot!

I want to invite her friends from nursery, plus some other local friends of her age and her 2 cousins (on ex h's side), and if the whole of his (adult) family come too there just won't be enough space (we live in a 2 bedroomed flat) - it would be pandemonium!

On top of this, the weekend of her birthday happens to fall on one of his weekends with her, but if she has her party at his place the likelyhood is that the vast majority of her nursery/local friends can't/won't be able to make it as it is quite a trek to his place from where we live (you're looking at an hour at least on public transport).

So I was going to suggest to him that we have her "friends party" on the Saturday at home, and then she can have a "family party" over at his/his family's house (they all live together) the next day - or vice versa.

Do you think this sounds reasonable? I am kinda expecting him to kick off when I mention it to him - but wanted to gauge opinion first.

Nothing is ever as straightforward is it can look on here though Latemates. We don't know why Dad only has alternate weekends.

You might look at my situation and think oh poor Bear's xh, he only sees his dd every other weekend. He'd probably give you a right sob story. The reality is that he was offered everything on a plate. Complete shared care, contact whenever he wanted with the suggestion of 2/3 weekdays and alternate weekends, the opportunity to keep half of dd's things at his house, toys, clothes, the lot. He opted out of it all.

Exactly we do not know.... Therefore we should not assume he is useless father and a bully of an ex. OP doesn't suggest this either but people have commented to say he shouldn't be involved in birthday decisions etc etc....
OP wanted opinions and I feel it important that she gets view other than the men are rubbish they don't matter

I know there are men like your ex that will walk away and I feel for your children who a missing out on their dad but there are many who are decent and caring too

I'm presuming you mean the does he do 50% of the care comment? That's not quite how I read it. My xh doesn't do any of the day to day graft, won't provide any childcare, school holiday care, or provide a penny in support of dd, he just turns up every other weekend and take her to his for a couple of nights. I think that poster's argument was if the OPs ex is like that, then should he have a 50% say in things, and I can see her point.

We've never had a birthday on his access day before... should be interesting when it comes up

I think access should be put to one side for birthdays and which ever parent who the child is with should defineitly be letting the other parent see the kid if they wish. I think katyatthegringa 's idea is fine. As long as you ask him first of course.

In my case I have a party for her friends and my friends and family on the saturday of my weekend with her. And he has a party for his family and friends on his saturday. It's great for her as the birthday celebrations spread over a whole week! I have her little friends to my party because I am the one with contact with their parents.

I say give the kids seperate parties rather than try and play happy families on the one day of the year. Unless you regularly do things all together I think it's a tease to be honest.

'Latemates: It's because most of the time when there is an issue over access and no formal arrangement, the man has form for being unreliable, unreasonable and difficult. A lot of men use access as a way of harassing their XPs and it's not about the DCs' wellbeing at all.'

As most of the posters in Lone Parents are women who have difficulties with their ex I think you get a slanted view on MN.

I've been on Wikivorce forums which is more of an even male to female ratio.
And it seems pretty even on which sex is difficult post split.

I agree berrie, I think birthdays are like Christmas, you have to sort something out separate to the fixed arrangements.

As it happens I get on fine with my DS' father. It's just that the OP posted that her XP 'is probably going to kick off' which suggests an unreasonable man, when her suggestion that they have two parties for the DD is perfectly reasonable.

No - her suggestion was to organise an event on one of his parenting days (and he gets, what, 4 per month?) when she has 24 days in that month to organise whatever she likes. She acknowledges that the birthday will be enormously important to his wider family.

Extrapolating from this situation that he is unreasonable and shouldn't have any say in the birthday arrangements, mentioning legal structures, harassment and trouble-making is unecessary and counter-productive in this situation. But I guess it depends whether you want the child to have a stress-free time on her birthday without having to worry about which of her parents might be upset or you want to prove a point about who the most important and powerful parent is.

Blimey, wasn't expecting to start off such a heated conversation. But I do appreciate all your input.

Just to clarify some things (feel I should after the conversation above), ex h is a great father in a lot of ways, and I am very happy for him to be involved in her life as much as he is; he has her friday evening -sunday evening every other weekend, and comes over once or twice for a couple of hours during the week, I am the primary carer on a day to day basis.

During our marriage there was quite a big issue with his prioritisation of his family over the needs/wishes of his daughter and I, which is where I think my concern over this particular situation arose from, i.e. knowing that she would want her friends over (some of whose parent/s would also have to stay as well by the way, being too young to be left on their own at a party) but him potentially wanting his family over as well...which would just be unmanageable in my flat....and having it at his family's house would have basically meant that very few, if not none of her friends would have been able to come.

I don't think you can say, oh well if it falls on his weekend then it is up to him - I am pretty sure she would want to see both her parents on her birthday, and we, as her parents should both have a say in what to do on such a special occasion - but bearing in mind that her enjoyment of the day is the priority here and not any family politics. That's why I came up with the suggestion of making it a weekend thing and having 2 parties, as this would solve both the practical and emotional issues for all involved (in my opinion anyway).

Anyway, as it happens ex h was over last night and he broached the subject of her birthday before I had the chance, I told him my idea and he thought it was great and even asked if I wanted to come to the one over at his place as well! So, looks like it was a good idea after all :)

Glad you gpt it sorted. I often get myself worked up about how to approach something with ex and when I do, he's more than happy for me to come up with an idea as he often doesnt have one of his own!

That's great news, so pleased it's been sorted out. I've just found out that xh is going away for my dd's birthday weekend. She'll understand apparently .

I'd definately suggest it and see what he says. He may be very amenable (sp?) to the suggestion. If he says no you can always hold a party for her another weekend (before or after). I have had to do this lots of times as my exh doesn't know the meaning of the word negotiate! However our son loves it - 2 birthday parties!