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Original poster

Before I go and start WW3 - Opinion on 3rd birthday and ex's family

37 replies

Katyathegringa · 11/04/2011 12:13

I apologise for war and peace in advance!

I'm starting to plan my DD's 3rd birthday, which in my opinion is the first birthday that she will be interested in who is there, rather than it mainly being for the family as it was for the 1st and 2nd, i.e. she won't want a party full of adults with a couple of kids - but will want to see her friends.

My (soon to be) ex h's family are more than likely going to want to rock up at it; they're south american and v family orientated) - the family consisting of the grandparents, one set of auntie/uncle and some extended family (great aunties for a start) plus any visiting relatives, so quite a lot!

I want to invite her friends from nursery, plus some other local friends of her age and her 2 cousins (on ex h's side), and if the whole of his (adult) family come too there just won't be enough space (we live in a 2 bedroomed flat) - it would be pandemonium!

On top of this, the weekend of her birthday happens to fall on one of his weekends with her, but if she has her party at his place the likelyhood is that the vast majority of her nursery/local friends can't/won't be able to make it as it is quite a trek to his place from where we live (you're looking at an hour at least on public transport).

So I was going to suggest to him that we have her "friends party" on the Saturday at home, and then she can have a "family party" over at his/his family's house (they all live together) the next day - or vice versa.

Do you think this sounds reasonable? I am kinda expecting him to kick off when I mention it to him - but wanted to gauge opinion first.

OP posts:

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KnickersOnOnesHead · 11/04/2011 12:40

I think that sounds reasonable!

elphabadefiesgravity · 11/04/2011 12:45

Totally reasonable and it is what we do without the added comlication of a split family.

We basically have a family birthday tea on thebirthday itself or near to (dd has dance commitments which sometimes fall on her birthday. And a party for schoolfriends/same age cousins the nearest convenient weekend to the birthday.

Latemates · 11/04/2011 13:28

If it's your Childs weekend at her dads then he should organize the weekend and this may mean he already has plans for both days. Why don't you have her friend party the weekend before or after (your weekend)?

lookingfoxy · 11/04/2011 13:35

Sounds reasonable to me, you could suggest that he even attends her 'friends' party so he isn't missing out on time with her.

Original poster

Katyathegringa · 11/04/2011 13:52

I absolutely plan on inviting him to the "friends party". Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 11/04/2011 14:06

I think you are being unreasonable to tell him what is happening on his contact weekend. If you were asking him if it was ok to change the arrangements then yes, but I'm wondering whether you would think he was reasonable if he told you he had planned something for her in your time.

Latemates · 11/04/2011 14:19

Well said chochobnob

cestlavielife · 11/04/2011 14:48

party with friends can be weekend before or after. and could be at community hall / in the aprk so anyone could come.

let him organize the party on his weekend.

if eh invtes you too so much the better

Original poster

Katyathegringa · 11/04/2011 14:49

I'm not planning on doing this without talking to him - just wanted opinions on whether it would be a reasonable request or not.

Try reading a post correctly before responding to it. The word "suggest" may have been a slight indicator

OP posts:

balia · 11/04/2011 19:00

I think if it is remotely likely to result in conflict I'd leave his weekend alone and as many others have suggested, do your own thing with friends from nursery in the week or week before/after. It would be much nicer for her to have two birthday weekends without any hassle - and if you know it's so important to him and his family that he'd 'kick off' it seems a bit silly to start WW3 over a third birthday. You've got a long way to go yet.

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 11/04/2011 19:40

I'd want to see my dd on her birthday, so I'd be looking to factor that into things regardless of whether it was "his" weekend and what else was arranged.

If there was likely to be aggravation about arranging parties and things though, I'd be inclined to make my own arrangements for my family and her friends during my time with her and leave him to do whatever he wanted to do with his, while negotiating some time with her on her actual birthday.

ballstoit · 11/04/2011 23:24

I think it's completely reasonable to want to spend time with your DD on her birthday. If her birthday fell on your day I presume you'd be happy for her to spend some of the day with her Dad.

Ex-H had DD for lunch on her birthday, picked her up at 11.30 brought her back at 2.30, then my family came for tea. I suppose I would say that was on 'my' day, as every day is mine, he doesnt generally bother about having contact with DC .

I generally have DS's birthday party for friends about a month before his birthday. He's August birthday and I've found that otherwise friends either forget or are on holiday, so easier to arrange it before the long summer break from school. He's always been quite happy to do this, extends the birthday fun for him IYSWIM.

Original poster

Katyathegringa · 12/04/2011 12:33

That's an idea regarding the "contact weekend", I could possibly have it the weekend before her birthday. And invite him (ex h) over for it, which I was going to do anyway.

Bearinthebigwoohouse - thanks for being so empathetic - of course I'd want to see her on her birthday, as I'd expect her dad to want to as well if it fell on my weekend!

OP posts:

Original poster

Katyathegringa · 12/04/2011 12:34

Ah bugger, just realised I can't have it the weekend earlier - it's my god-daughter's first birthday that weekend. Will test the waters with one day at home and one day at his.

OP posts:

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 12/04/2011 20:04

I guess it depends how amenable he is to discussing it. You might as well have a plan in your head to suggest, and a plan B if he gets arsy about things.

suburbophobe · 12/04/2011 23:59

Is he doing 50% of the child care?

Then he has 50% say too

(or is it all about him and his family running roughshod over you and her/life, and plans?)

Just my 2 cents

Latemates · 13/04/2011 00:09

If he's the father he has 50% say.... End of.
She needs a relationship with her father as much as she needs a a relationship with her mother

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 13/04/2011 08:35

Totally agree with your second sentence Latemates, but it's not that straightforward to say that it should be a 50/50 "say" in things. IMO that very much depends on what the Dad's involvement in the child's life is like. A true shared-care situation, then yes, of course. But it's not always like that.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 13/04/2011 08:39

Latemates: it depends if the father is capable of putting the child's interests above his own or not. If the father is difficult, the mother needs toi make sure she has firm legal structures in place to keep his trouble-making opportunities to a minimum.

taokiddy · 13/04/2011 08:45

YANBU. Thats what we do. Think exP really wouldn't want to organise sleepovers, parties with friends etc so he has DC one day with Grandparents. Then exMIL has a bit of 'control' doing party food and stuff, exP can tell everyone he gave DC a 'party' so looks like a good Daddy, DCs get party they really want. Only thing is you end up paying!

Latemates · 13/04/2011 09:28

It's funny that no one ever questions the mothers capabilities.... But father has to prove that he is capable every step of the way.

Latemates · 13/04/2011 09:30

Btw not questioning mother being capable here just an observation

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 13/04/2011 10:34

Latemates: It's because most of the time when there is an issue over access and no formal arrangement, the man has form for being unreliable, unreasonable and difficult. A lot of men use access as a way of harassing their XPs and it's not about the DCs' wellbeing at all.

Latemates · 13/04/2011 10:42

That's a generalisation... There are women who prevent there children from seeing their father to hurt their ex.
In this topic the mum doesn't say the dad is unreliable, unreasonable or difficult. Neither is she saying she is stopping access.

The are as many difficult women in these situation as their are men...

However, the OP will discuss with her ex as she stated. I just feel if the child only sees father and his family every other weekend then reducing contact over weekend would be a shame. Maybe they couldsplit the buthday weekend but child could spend the following weekend with dad so still managing a full contact weekend. After all she gets plenty of contact with mum throughout the week

balia · 13/04/2011 16:41

Separated parenting is very difficult without people making sweeping generalisations about 'most' men. FWIW I don't think a lot of men use contact to harass their XP's or that a lot of women use their kids as pawns to hurt their XP's. But IMO there are a lot of people who find separated parenting very difficult, confusing and painful, and who would be a lot better off if they had a bit more support and a bit less prejudiced poison from people who can't get beyond their own immediate experience.

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