Should I move, so ds's can have good relationship with xp?

[Harold3theWorld]

Moved back with xp to an area we lived in before, 6 months ago.
I left XP 5 months ago.

He has now got another job which is 2 hours drive away. He would like us to move up there so that he can see ds's during the week as well as weekends. It is important for me as well that they have a good relationship with their dad so I am considering it.

A few details...

Eldest ds is 4 so starts school in September (but not bothered if he starts term after or whenever) youngest is 18 months and are both very attached to xp. Youngest will not stay overnight with him yet though, (needs his mum at bedtime)

I have a few friends here, before we moved back we hadn't lived here for 4 years so lost touch with a lot of people and am just building up friendships again with other people I used to know. Don't feel like I am really settled here but at least I know a few people. If I move to where xp is now I won't know anyone except him.

I am very happy I left him no regrets there! and we are being civil to one another not exactly friendly - so not much has changed since we were together. I don't count him as a friend or someone I could rely on for support.

I like where I am now, nice area, nice house, good schools, haven't been to new place but from what I have read on internet, seems to be pretty similar.

I am thinking of moving because I want my ds's to see xp more often than fortnightly and to be able to share parenting.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to deny ds's the chance to have good relationship with xp but would I be selfish not to move?

With regards to his job, did he not have a choice in taking it, ie would he have been unemployed, because that would indicate that he is not really putting the kids first and only himself. I know that myself as a parent would not take a job that would limit my contact to ds to once a fortnight, I would rather be skint, unless of course it was a choice of that or ds being left starving etc.
Its really your call, you could give it a trial period of say a year and see how it goes.
Also you both need to consider how you would feel if you met new partners etc, you really need to sit down and discuss this with your ex before you make any decisions.

In fact, if he did have a choice in taking the job, then no, I would not be moving to accomodate him, he has not shown the kids the same consideration.

He told me he had been offered the job but would not take it unless I moved as well. It is a really good job, much better prospects, money etc. I agreed to move at the time because I did not want to be responsible for him not taking the job and also he put me on the spot. There are not many jobs in his line of work in this area.
I have thought a lot about it since then and don't think I gave enough thought to the decision. Before this job opportunity came up he was talking about moving to the other end of the country where his family are from so this was a bit of a surprise. The amount of time he spends with ds's seems to be getting less and less as time goes by so would I be moving for nothing?

As far as new partners go, I don't think we would live in the same town so would have some space to get on with our lives.

Personally I wouldn't do it. Uproot all of you for the sake of a two hour journey? No.

What about your work?

Do you think they will be able to have a good relationship with their dad if they only see him once every 2 weeks?
I would hate to think I would be responsible for them not getting on well if I don't move.
How have other mums found it when their dc's dont see their dad that often, are they still close?

I personally wouldnt move to accommodate my ex. I totally understand you feeling guilty but its not you at all, it is his choice.

There is always phone calls, texts, skype/webcam stuff. And want if he didnt loose touch then he will just need to make the effort.

I dont think its fair to expect you to move, starting all over again, I think its cheeky to even ask!

Ds only sees his dad every other weekend and speaks on the phone during the week. He has a fabulous relationship with his father. Admittedly he is going to his dad's for a week as they both have easter hols due to the nature of his dad's job. Which probably does help. But Ds' dad lives 4hrs away.
So NO you do not need to move so that dc can have a relationship with their dad.

He got you to move back to an area (assuming he was xp at the time). He can decided whether or not to take the job that is his decision not yours. His choice. 2 hours away is nothing really. Ex and I meet half way for drop offs etc.

I am afraid but to me it sounds like he still wants to be a part of your life and still wants some control. Kinda of a way that he doesnt want you but doesnt want anyone else to have you. Insisting you move to a new area if he takes the job means that you are more likely to be reliant on him and need him and less likely to build your life into what you want and need. Which may or may not include a new partner.

My ex did this to me recently although we have been apart for ages. Guilt tripped me about it, bribed me with extra support so i could rebuild my life. It wasnt until i realised that he was trying to influence aspects of my life that are just non of his business in a way that was beneficial to him and not me that I stepped back and questioned why i was considering moving. I didnt move and i am glad.

ONLY move if it will improve things for YOU. If you are not longer together then it is not your job to improve his life. Be respectful and allow the contact but not to uproot everything that is yours for him. Your priority is to you not him. There are a lot of children ho dont have much contact with their father even though their parents are together due to jobs and working away. they do fine and a large proportion have a fine relationship with their father. IMO it is not about the relationship with the dc that is the issue but control and influence over your life.

Sorry.

Will he think you've tricked him into moving?

When I mentioned that I was not sure I was going to move to where his new job is he said that he might not have taken the job if he knew. He took the job thinking I would move up there But I suspect that he would have done anyway as it is a good job.
It was my idea that we move back to where we are now, he agreed but meant him working for same company but in a different location.
CHB - It would not surprise me if he wants me to move so he can keep an eye on me, he is very controlling but he's not getting very far with that these days!

Don't do it. No need for the sake of a 2 hour journey.

To be fair I can see how pissed off he'd be as he has taken a jib on based on you saying you'll move. That was unfair of you.

Hairylights - Yes , because originally I said yes, is part of why I feel obliged to move.

What would have happened if I had said no I wouldn't move and he hadn't taken the job. He would be around forever to remind that it was because of me!

Anyway when I told him I was not sure about moving he said he might not have taken the job if he'd known BUT he didn't change his mind about going!

What about midweek vists, how do you all find them? Do they make things easier for you, are they a pain, do you all do them or are some ex's working til late?

Distance not an option here, but I let ds visit for whole weeks during long holidays and a few days of short holidays. It fits in around ex's work and allows him to take ds to the caravan for a week in the summer.

I think you need to think very carefully. He took the job on the understanding you would move and it wouldn't effect his contact with his children. To now go back on your word his options are as follows...

1. move for new job and his Children will miss out by reduced contact
2. Change mind and not move... Consequences are he could breach contract with new firm, be unemployed if already given notice to old employer.
3. Take job but look at finding new job back in area asap

Now you said new job is far better which means you and children will benefit in more maintenance... If he looks for other (less well paid) job or becomes unemployed as a result of your last minute change of plan then this will have financial implication for everyone.

And think about when the children grow up... How will you feel if they resent you for coning their dad to move away to prevent them seeing him (this may not happen but you have to consider every possible outcome) 2 hours may not seam far to adults on here but to children this will seam like the other side of the world.

You don't want youngest to have overnights yet. If you live in different towns overnights will have to happen otherwise they will be spending 4 hours travelling for a few hours with dad. (if he took you to court he would most likely get Friday to Monday every other weekend, a mid week contact and half the holidays).

if they both very attached to dad then nor eason why 18 month old cannot stay overnight with him. have you never been out and let him" babysit " the whole evening and put him to bed?

i agree with psoter who said moving doesnt have to break the relationship - it isnt just about physical contact time. there is phone, skype etc and it is how they get along when together

How do you give a hug over Skype?

How would the mother feel if roles swapped and she only had
Imited contact and skype?

Im considering a similar dilemma and have to say i am in favour of moving if it has no financial impact on yourself.
I fyou have to give up a job to be closer and then rely on benefits as well as xp's maintenece then no i wouldn;t go, but if you aren;t working anyway and you really want to foster a close relationship, then midweek visits can only help.
MY xp has moved over 300 miles away, he did this for work as the pay, times etc are much better for being around. he currently commutes every other friday evening down here (berkshire) to collect the children and take them back to yorkshire. He then brings them home again on a sunday evening. its not ideal but its working at the moment. but the children do want to see more of him and when he was living here he saw them twice in the week and had them every other weekend. and usually came to the boys sports matches on a weekend and would come along to eldest dd's ballet if he had finished work on time.
I really can;t criticise him as a father and if your partner genuinely wants to have a closer relationship with the children and see them more often. I can;t see an issue.

He could change his mind if he wanted to, His old company would be very happy for him to stay with them and he hasn't signed anything with new place yet. He wants to go though.

As for maintenance he isn't giving me anything at the moment, he says in the future he will give me about a quater of what the csa recommend.

He has never babysat and youngest ds to bed, I would be happy for them both to stay overnight but I think he needs to build up to this which so far he has not made the effort to do. Ds2 needs me at bedtime but only because that is what he is used to.

I am happy to take them up there on a Friday evening and have him bring them back on sunday and to share holidays.

I am not working at the moment so financially would be the same.

what sort of contact is there at the moment?

you want to share parenting but does he? (considering he has never had youngest for a whole evening, and put him to bed, ever)
has he ever had oldest for a whole day? already had oldest over night?

what will you live off? maybe be harder to start afresh looking for landlord preapred to accept someone on HB than keep where you are now if you ahve nice place....

(sorri making asusmptions - you say not working and he will only give you one quarter of what he should - why is that? it is one quarter of a lot in which case could be fine or one quarter of a little? )

cestlavielife Eldest ds stays overnight with him doesn't usually have him for whole day though, likes to have them individually, so has ds2 saturday morning and ds1 in the afternoon and overnight. He also sees them for 1 -2 hours twice a week after work.

Maintenance wise he has offered £50 per month, seems to think this is ok, has always been a bit tight.

It is an issue finding a new place that accepts hb, we were lucky to get this place!

When I try and talk to him about parenting arrangements he is very vague, so it is very difficult to find out what he wants to happen.

What he wants is to fuck you about. This man is not a reasonable human being, so stop expecting that he will suddenly behave like one if he gets his own way. He's already demonstrated that he is selfish, controlling and dishonest: prioritize your needs and the DC's over what the man wants. And see a solicitor to get things on a proper formal, legal footing. You have to do that with men like your XP, you cannot rely on them treating you fairly, because they are only interested in themselves and want to make sure that you are never able to ignore them.

If he moves and you stay put I would suggest for weekend contacts you make it he collects them on a friday and you fetch them back on a Sunday. That way he has to show his commitment to them by fetching them and you KNOW you are going to turn up at the right time to get them back on Sunday.
But You also need to be working out who is paying travelling costs.

As for maintenence if hes not prepaired to be realistic about amount he is paying (he obviously doesn't realise how costly children can be) then you should just go to CSA. There guidelines are set at realistic levels so that the absent parent contributes financially to the childs up bringing. Offering you a quarter of CSA guidlines is just not reasonable or fair on his children. Its up to you to stand up for them. Its the DC hes short changing in the long run

Good luck with whatever you decide to do

What SGB said!

What a Class A Wanker.