How do u erase 17 years!

[belleshell]

How can you be married bring two wonderful kids into the world and never really know what you married.the fact my ex exists is enuf to drive me mad.. i have never in my life hated someone but i hate him, and i am finding that emotion hard to deal with!!! i want to scream shout and do anything else to hurt him.

i am forced to live 100 miles away from any family or support becasue he wont let me take the kids home, so i am forced to live in His vilage with his family and friends near by all of which completely ignore me............

how do u manage this emotion and how do i erase 17 years.......

With one painful day at a time. I'm so sorry that you are stuck in this horrible position, but you will get there, slowly but surely.

Thank u.. he wont let me because if i did and because of ds age kids would be asked in court where they want to live........ they will choose here because their friends are here, not necessarily him......

i so cant wait for indifference..............

tonights treat was pasta meal for two just for me........... im stuffed and cant move but it was nice!!

Yes the reality of finding out you lived a lie for so many years with someone you thought you knew but now find you do not know nor understand is awful and painful and can tear you apart.
I was in a relationship with a man like that for only a few years and it has taken me a very long time to deal with it. We didn't even have children together but he affected every part of mine and ds's life :(

I can offer you hope though in that I am finally getting through it. A time will come when you too are indifferent and the pain lessens and eventually goes. But don't expect it to be soon, or to happen overnight. I'm afraid you will have to count in years rather than weeks and the more you try and force it the less it will happen.

In reality you don't want to erase the last 17 years. Because if nothing else you gained your 2 wonderful dc in that time. I remind myself often that when ds was conceived I was very much in love with his dad and happy despite how things went afterwards. Can you say something similar or find the good things that happened in the last 17 years (with your dc) to help you through?

How old are your dc? At what point will you be happy to move back to your family? Will it be after they have left home? When they go to uni? Why are you so sure they will choose their dad over you? Assuming you agree contact they will see their friends most weekends they visit their dad presumably? And there is the internet, phone etc to keep in touch with them.
If you really can't move back to your family can you move a little bit away to give you some breathing space? Or try changing your house about (move furniture, decorate, get new bedsheets etc), or your routine (what night you go to the gym or make an effort to start something new) and to try and find new friends instead with shared interests and hobbies? It may be too early for you to consider these things yet though.

Re his friends and family ignoring you - it may simply be they are embarrassed and don't know what to say to you so say nothing instead. Plus if he lied to you then he's no doubt lied to them about it too and the realities of it all.
Whatever the reason the reality is you dont' need friends like that so find some of your own who will support you and be there for you. Is there a lone parent group or a spice group near you?
www.spiceuk.com/home?handshaked=true
I'm planning to join them when ds is old enough and I have a bit more time/money.

The worst is over now. You just have to give yourself plenty of time to heal.
Big hugs to you.

I recommend going on one of these workshops

divorce recovery

they are brilliant - IMO it should be available on the NHS for everyone going through a relationship breakdown.

i second ggoing on a specific group recovery workshop. or specific individual therpyy.

or both!

"cherish the good memories" eg that the good thing ws the DC to emerge from this.

i haven't read all the posts re your thread but just want to add a little something - sorry if it's repeating what others have said. it takes a lot of energy to hate and altho your situation sounds tough and rough -your ex does not deserve to have any more of your precious energy wasted on him. use that energy to start doing something creative/physical/interesting just for you. plus just be the better person - i tried this and it worked - be nice even to those you think are not your supporters. this can kill two birds etc... they'll all start to think you are happy/over him/it/loved up with some one else (regardless of the real truth) and they may suprise you in their response. plus, be nice to others in your village and carve your own niche/network. it's hard - i hated for a while and it was exhausting then I just decided to be nice, not mention the bad stuff anymore and be nice - you dont have to mean it really - but the funny thing is now the situation is markedly improved with my ex and thus his relationship with dd. good luck.

You can go home [smile} I maanged to break the abusive cycle of control and utter crap from XH nad his partner and moved myself and my DC from England to Scotalnd - over 400 miles away. We had to go to court to give EXH his bit of drama - he reported me to social services saying the dc were at risj and aeveryting (they weren't!) and it was a horible horrible situation. BUT I had to go to court beacuse I was removing my dc from the jurisdiction of England & Wales you probably aren't if it is only 100 miles. You will probably need the support of your family - I did/do! Our lives have changed utterly and there are times when I wonder if I did make the right choice but when it comes down to it, yes I did. If you want to go, go. Write to him telling him of your intentiona nd what you will do to enable contact - phone, skyoe, regualr visits etc. Your dc will probably not feel it as much as you do - my 2 are so happy and have so many new friends - children adapt quicker than we do. If you want to go, go. he can't stop you. Great post here which helped me.