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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Birthday Parties and buying presents...

11 replies

evolucy7 · 05/04/2011 20:57

If your ex has agreed to take the children to a birthday party during his contact weekend, who do you think should buy the present?

OP posts:

MollieO · 05/04/2011 20:59

Wouldn't it be included in maintenance? If he doesn't pay you any maintenance then I think he should pay for the present.

seeker · 05/04/2011 21:02

Whichever one remembers and is in a postion to do it - just as if you were still together.

lilacisinlove · 05/04/2011 21:02

Depends whether you want the child whose birthday it is to get a present they'll actually like!

GrownUpNow · 05/04/2011 21:06

If I have time, I go out with DS and buy it together, then drop it off with him at his dads. If not, I try to buy it, but if I can't he's happy to buy it too. Things work quite nicely when we're not bickering about who should buy what, arguing about money was one of the reasons I ended our relationship, I'll be damned if I let the bad feeling continue on over something as piddling as birthday presents. I come from the standpoint that I ensure I am able to provide most things, that way I am never disappointed. I also find when I give a little, and be supportive of ex that he reciprocates and things stay civil.

So when a birthday invite comes in, I'll usually phone him and we'll both pencil it into our calendars, then we'll discuss the present and decide who gets it, if he's a bit skint or strapped for time, I'll offer, and vice versa, and we'll arrange what outfit DS can wear.

Our ultimate goal is to ensure DS has a great time. Okay sometimes I think morally that he should pay if it's on his time, but life isn't always about ideals, it's about working with what you have together to do the best you can.

Wow. I had loads to say on this matter. I must be in a rambling mood tonight.

Original poster

evolucy7 · 05/04/2011 21:08

MollieO...surely that depends how much maintenance he pays?

Seeker...well that would most usually be the woman I would imagine, who has do to everything! However the difference here is that you are not together so what may have been done when together, as it was one of 'the things you did' while the other person 'did other things' is no longer the case.

OP posts:

Original poster

evolucy7 · 05/04/2011 21:13

GrownUpNow...thats sounds great, however having felt like I have spent 3 years doing all the 'I will be nice and it will be reciprocated' it still isn't, and I am now thinking what is the point.

I have been dragged to court so many times over the stupidist things, the CSA had to take maintenance from his wages, he then left his job and set up his own company, and thought £5 a week was fine for 2 children. I have since filled out endless forms for variations, and I'm expected to still do everything and pay for everything

OP posts:

MollieO · 05/04/2011 21:20

Far point. Ds's dad did the same but has no contact. I would simply tell him the amount you normally spend on a present and leave it to him. If he doesn't bother you could get something later, if you wanted to. I would do that as inwoukdnt want ds's friend to think Ds hadn't bothered to get a present.

GrownUpNow · 05/04/2011 21:26

Well, if he is generally a dick, and you cannot trust him for maintenance money, I would be of the mind that I couldn't trust him to ensure there would be a present for the party either, so would definitely send one. I would want to ensure my son gets the very best experience, even though part of me would want to rally against his stingy nature, it just isn't worth getting into an argument that you won't win, nor is it productive to hold a lot of bad feeling about something you obviously cannot change.

ChasingSquirrels · 06/04/2011 07:18

if either of the dc's have a party invite at a time when they would be with their dad then I either give him the invite or e-mail the details (depending on the timeframe) and leave the arrangements (acceptance or not, present, getting them there etc) to him.

Bearinthebigwoohouse · 06/04/2011 16:44

There's no point in me either leaving it to him to arrange, or expecting him to buy a present or card, so I don't. I ask him if he's free to take her and then sort the rest out myself. He's never paid me a single penny towards dd.

I could get into an argument with him about it. We could go down the usual route of him bleating that he has no money (he quite clearly has because I see the bank statements) or he doesn't have time as he works (so do I) and I'd still end up getting it/sorting clothes etc because I wouldn't want dd to turn up without one, or without being properly dressed.

The alternative is to order something from the book club at work, pack a dress in her suitcase. Job done, no arguments, I'm not wound up. It's really not worth the hassle IMO.

LawrieMarlow · 09/04/2011 16:53

Am soon to be single parent (H leaves in a couple of weeks time). Am not sure what I will do re birthday parties - at the moment I deal with it all and i am tempted to leave it to him although would hate either DC to be disappointed due to not having a present for a party.

Will face that one when it comes I think.

(realise this isn't helpful at all but am just thinking out loud. Or onto keyboard or something)

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