Newly single mum and I'm not sure if I'm coming or going!

[JustJessica]

My ex and I split up about 3 months ago, we'd been together for 11 years and have 2 kids together, and I'm feeling a little lost being a single mum. Am I expecting too much too soon?

I'm spending so much time making sure I get things right that I'm getting the simple things wrong. I think I'm doing a good job in making sure the kids are happy and making them feel secure, I make sure I play with them daily, I make sure we have a good laugh about something together, I make sure they phone their dad every night to say night to him, etc. But then I look like a complete scatter brain by forgetting DD's reading books for school or homework or spellings or forgetting it's "own clothes day" at school (DD's school have had 3 own clothes days in 3 months!).

I always make sure my kids are fed, watered, clean, safe and have an understanding of what's going on so am I being too hard on myself? Should I be worried that I'm suddenly so disorganised or should I just give myself a break and realise that things will fall into place soon? Does anyone have any good tips that they found really useful?

Sorry it was a long message, it's all playing on my mind a bit.

Give yourself a breather. You are doing your best for your children: that is enough.

Have you considered making a timetable/calendar/To Do list, and putting that on the fridge, or somewhere prominent?

It is hard being a lone parent. Network as much as poss, take people up on offers to babysit, let your mum and dad babysit, if offered. Unless, I missex it, you have not mentioned your children's father. Hopefully, he will take responsibility for his children. It can be awful being apart from the children if they are at their dad's. However, (assuming your ex is a good egg), your children will value time spent with hum.

My advice is to try and enjoy your free time, if you get it!

Numerous typos in my post. It is my phone's fault...

I have been single parenting for just2.5 months. fed clothed watered taken to school some physio/speech therapy is about all I am managing/ i do try and keep kim and aggie at bay but not doing so well there. I am hoping that someone comes along and says it gets better.

MotherMucca, I'm going to put a checklist up by the front door, a last reminder as I go out the door!

blackeyedsusan, I'm sure it will get better for us, and it helps to know I'm not alone. There are only so many hours in the day, and if kim and aggie do come round then they'd feel compelled to clean up so you wouldn' have to do it! :P

MotherMucca, I forgot to say, my ex is suffering with depression, he see's the kids regularly but he struggles at times so all visitation is at my house, which just feels like added pressure!

it does get a lot easier, in fact i am happier now then i was when i was with my ex husband. I stayed in for a year, apart from work and the occasional meal with friends, just to make sure the children knew i was here, even when they were with thier dad. I also find it helped to stay on as good terms as possible with the ex, (he was having an affair) even when you hate him, it makes the kids feel more relaxed that mammy and daddy can still have a conversation without shouting. try and keep to the usual routine so theres not too much change, but obviously finacially things have changed and the children have to realsise this and that now they prehaps cant have or go places that they used to. I try to have fun with them without spending, etc making my own mcmammys instead of mcdonalds, walks up the mountain, dvd nights, games nights, tresure hunts in the park, to name a few. Anyway hope some of it helps, i,ve been on my own almost three years and it does work out in the end. Goodluck

Hi,

Stop giving yourself such a hard time, it'll get better with time and it's only the little things that you are forgetting.

Since splitting with x I have to write everything down on the calander and look at it everyday or I will forget.

Just take everything one day at a time, and if you remember, get everything ready for the next day the night before.

I've been single for just over a year now and it does get better, although you sound like you are doing just fine already.
The things that have helped the best for me (depending on the your lo's ages) is asking them everyday if there is anything happening in school that day - before they get dressed. I have DS 6 & DD 9 so one of them most often remembers the own clothes stuff. I have got them to take responsibility for small jobs like unloading the dishwasher. I think they feel like they are contributing to our smaller family if they can lighten the load for me. They don't always remember but the days they do it helps.
Also if I have something in particular to remember (dentist etc) I put it in my phone asap and stick big reminder on the kitchen cabinet a few days before. Not exactly Home & Gardens but it works.

I have also established a few things like a basket on the stairs for the stuff that roams about the house (reading books, DSi, Ipods & chargers, Match attak cards etc) as the finding of this stuff was very stressful when we were trying to leave the house in the morning.

For what it's worth, sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your dcs. Don't be hard on yourself, so what if you forget things now and again, you are only human and coping on your own with children is bloody hard work.

Things will get easier and slot into place, but in the meantime give yourself a pat on the back for being such a great mum :)

you are doing a fantastic job.

i have been a single parent since soon after dd was born, i never owned a calander or used a schedule despite working full time and using child care. however when she started school i was dismayed at how crap i was at being organised, so i bought a calander and i was still shit, i was lucky if i even had it on the correct month turned over. i now use a mini year planner on the wall right next to dinner table, all important letters get pinned on the fridge and have a white board.

dont be so hard your self, how old are dcs can they be responsible for books, bags etc? my dd is just 5 and she does reading, homework etc whilst im doing dinner, after dinner i clear table dishes etc and she sorts shoes, bag/book homework in bag, coat etc on stairs ready for morning. this works well, because they are on the stairs i automaticly hang her coat up check bag to see she has every thing. these little things to keep everyone organised fall into place quite easily if kept part of routine.

it must be very emotionaly hard for you which has a bearing so go easy, slow down and take some time for your self.

why dont you put phone responsibility onto dad?

"I make sure they phone their dad every night to say night to him"

is up to dad to call them - if they ask then sure but really ask dad to call at set time each night.

We tried my ex phoning at the same time every night but typically I never had the kids ready in time, which caused tears because one always felt like they were missing out. So now I phone once the kids are sat on the bed and ready to talk, it gives me one less problem to deal with.

Thanks everyone so much for the support and ideas. :)

I think if you can bring up children on your own then you can do any job in the world!

I too found it very worrying on my own at first, but a few years down the line I find it quite easy!. I also have shed loads more confidence than I have ever had.

You are doing a brill job Justjessica, you are there for your kids and they are happy, relax

You sound as if you are doing a wonderful job- please dont beat yourself up too much. You sound very similar to me- i am splitting up from my husband- in fact he leaves next week while me and the kids are away- but he has been here since November with us having separated- it has been like hell and i have become quite low and very stressed. But every day i beat myself up because i have been trying so hard to make everything alright for the children- i think the fact that we are trying so hard and worry that we are not doing a good enough job is indicative of actually how well we are doing.

Give yourself a big pat on the back and keep reassuring yourself how well you are doing- you sound like a lovely mum- i know how hard it is and if you want to pm me please feel free- we will get there- as tough as it is and we will know that our children are as wonderful as they are because of what we do for them and how much we care for them.

Take lots of care.

Hi, sounds like you are doing really well. I'm only recently split and understand how you feel. You obviously have a lot on your mind and no-one can blame you for forgetting things when you have so much to sort out and adapt to. I'm lucky as I'm living with M&D who are helping out no end but I keep forgetting things like hearing my daughter read and I forgot to tell her this morning that i wouldn't be picking her up today and felt really bad about. We're only human and can only cope with so much.