Concern over contact with baby's dad (my ex)

[indigo2009]

I've recently split up with my partner and we have an 8 month old baby girl together. I'm still unsure about the arrangement we have agreed upon. He'll be round to baby sit once in the evening, then we've agreed to both take her swimming another day and then he'll have her over his at the weekend for one night.
I'm really unsure about letting her stay over every weekend now as it feels like so long but I feel selfish for thinking that as he is her dad. I suppose it's because he has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, which he's acted out in the form of silent treatment, being ratty and avoidant and he can be pretty disorganised and absent minded.
At his best he also a caring nurturing and doting dad. I just don't trust him and I worry about the long term affect on our little one if he does emotionally neglect her or get depressed around her. I've been around to prompt him and to support him the majority of the time so how will be on his own?

How do other people arrange visitations from their babies' dads? Am I right to be concerned? What should I do?

indigo - what an awful situation. It's obviously important for your daughter's dad to be in her life as she will only be upset/angry if he's not about in the future. Saying that however, I do believe in intuition and I think if you have a nagging doubt you must act upon it. Why not let him have her for the day but ask that she sleeps in the same cot for 'her' own good to keep consistency etc...otherwise her sleeping patterns could be all over the place.? Good luck.

indigo - are you still breastfeeding? If you are then that is a good reason for her not to stay overnight just yet. Also if she is still regularly waking in the night then could you say that she needs to stay with you until she is reliably sleeping through (many men do not want disturbed sleep anyway!)? If you are worried about overnight contact I would just say that initially you want him to have her during the day (use an excuse if you have to) - with a view to eventually moving on to overnight contact. At least then you will both have the chance to get used to spending time apart before it becomes the more extended period of overnight contact. Whilst the separation is hard on you the real issue is to ensure that your DD is not upset or disturbed by it - it is her 'best interest' that counts - which is a good reason for taking things slowly so you are sure that she is going to be ok.

My DD is also 8 months and my ex lives some distance away and works long hours. He has her one day of the weekend 10am-6pm. He collects her and then I pick her up (always best this way round I find). He gets to spend all day with her and bath her ready for bed before I pick her up. The intention is for that to eventually move to him having her every other weekend overnight, but I am still breastfeeding so that will be some time in the future yet. He does not see her during the week as it is too far and he works too late.

I think that if you offer your ex one evening during the week, swimming once a week and one day of the weekend he is actually getting more than he would if he went for a contact order. If he is a reasonable person and you share your concerns about wanting to build up to ovenight contact then I'm sure he will agree - if he is not reasonable and tries to force the issue it is highly unlikely that a court would force you to agree to overnight contact against your wishes when she is only 8 months, and given the level of contact you are offering he would be viewed pretty badly by the courts.

Good luck!

why dont you try day times only for the next three months and then consider the overnights.

see how day times go first .

if he is caring doting nurturing there wont be an issue will there?

but if issues come up around day time contact tehn you can consider if overnights in her best interest.

one step at a time.

I'm going through something similar, my ex is suffering from depression, he used to be very silent or snap realy easily. We have a similar arrangement too, my ex see's the kids in the week and at the weekend.

The key for us is that he lets me know how he's feeling, if he's having a good or a bad day, then I can tell him if I'm happy about him looking after the kids or not. Will you're ex be able to do this with you? May be if he see's you are open with him about your concerns and reassuring that you will aim to let your little girl stay over then may be he will be more open to the idea that when he's feeling ok he can have her and when he's not she stays with you. It does mean being able to trust him to be able to gauge himself properly but have to at least try, he may surprise you. You will only find out when you talk to him about it though.

Message me if you want some support but please let me know how you get on with it cos you might be able to give me some advice!