Lone parent-in a new relationship- HELP!!

[smallmotherbigheart]

I'm in a relationship with a guy who has no children.... and not very much responsibility.He's a lovely guy but sometimes I don't think he really appreciates how much time and dedication there involves with being a parent. Sometimes I understand but other times I think he's not considerate enough.

We went out with a mutual friend last week and he (as in my boyf) made a comment about being jealous of me and my son. I wasn't very impressed by this but then he went on to say that he felt my son would've turned out better if I had him for him'.... I don't know what to think about this and I stopped speaking to him for a while because I didn't like that fact that he seemed to be criticizing my son. He later explained that he wished that me and him had kids together rather than it being someone which I can understand but at the end of the day the fact is my son is here, I think he's perfect and I don't see why anyone should feel free to put him down just because of who his dad is... am I wrong?

I dont think youre wrong at all. Children should always come first. I too am in a fairly new relationship. I have to say, my partner has never criticised my children. He knows they will always be the most important thing in my life. For that, he respects me.
Are you happy with this guy? If not, is it worth the agro?

Well my dp said he wished he was my son's father.
Your boyfriend seems to be saying he wishes your son wasn't there and you could then have kids together....?

We do have a great relationship, and I haven't had any problems with him since then. It's just that that particular incident got to me a bit because I, like most parents, think my son is perfect and I want to be with someone who understands that. Apart from that he seems to want a future with me, even more than I do. I guess I just worry sometimes and I don't trust people very easily. Things like this definitely don't help. He doesn't have much experience with relationships and when he asked me out I said that I wasn't sure because I thought this would be too complicated for someone with so little experience. More recently he mentions how lucky I am to have my son. I'm sooo confused!!

I actually think he was just being tactless.

Are you young? I only ask because IMHO it's harder to be a younger dating mother because the pool of your available men are younger and less experienced. I'm nearly 31 and my boyfriend is 27, but we do both have children, and our children were all born within 3 years of each other. he often brings them here for his access weekends, and it's really good fun - he understand that I'm not really very emotionally available until the children go to bed, because neither is he and there are 4 small children scuttling around!

I know there is a tendency to think that your child is perfect, but as your boyfriend doesn't seem to be saying that he wishes your son wasn't there, merely that he wishes he was your son's father (because life would be simpler that way, I suppose) - it's not that he wishes to change your son, it's that he wishes he could change his almost second class status.

My boyfriend adn I are both parents - we both truly understand that we don't come entirely first to the other one - but that's hard to grasp if you've never had children.

I am reasonably young. I'm 24 and he's 22. I just don't want to make any mistakes as my relationship with my son's dad turned out to be a complete disaster which I'm still having to deal with now. I'm also very cautious about having my boyf around him too much. I don't know whether I'm being too over protective.

It's interesting you point out the second class status part because I can see why he would feel that way given the circumstances. Although, it did hurt when he said it that way which I have explained to him.

I'm in a similar relationship with my DP - he's single with no kids and I have a son from a previous relationship.

I think your boyfriend was just tactless - at his age, he won't understand the commitment involved in raising children, and he also won't 'get' how much you need to put your child first. He probably won't understand until/unless he has a child of his own (and even then, he won't get it in the same way a LP mother does). My single childless friends are just the same - they have no idea of the impact of being a single parent has on your life.

I suppose I've even had thoughts myself that it would be easier if DP was DS's real father. Spending time with DP/DS is always a balancing act between all of our needs - I'm quite lucky in that I have supportive family so I can spend time with DP just as a couple and do adult things (like theatre and nice restaurants, not 'adult' things ). That's been very important for us and I think he would feel more left out if we always had to spend time together as a family.

I can understand your caution and I don't think you're being overprotective at all. If this man is getting to know your son, you need to be sure it's going to be a long-term relationship so your son won't get upset by men passing in and out of your life. Being in a relationship with someone who already has children is a big commitment and you need to know he's ready for it. I don't think he sounds like doesn't want to try, but more like he doesn't know how. If he's willing to learn, you probably need to support him a bit - perhaps suggest a book on step-parenting.

Given he's so young and no kids himself, I suspect he's just got no clue. How could he? Look back and think how young & naive you were before having kids.

I'd just tell him you are a bit upset by his thoughtless comment and move on.

A lot of blokes his age won't bother with a single mum as they can't go out at the drop of a hat and go clubbing/partying every weekend. So for that he should be given a bit of respect for.

Oh, don't worry Niceguy2, I'm fully aware of all that, which is why I'm concerned. I actually think this relationship could work. I just wanted to ask more experienced people what their opinion was because at the end of the day, my son is the most important thing to me. I wouldn't want him to be in a relationship that makes him uncomfortable, nor do I want to put my boyf in a position where he feels forced into things.

The point is, when he first expressed that comment I felt it was unfair to my son, I felt it implied that my son was substandard because he was fathered by someone else. Respect isn't an issue on my part, we were friends before we began this whole thing and as I mentioned, I was cautious due to his lack of experience as he may (rightly) feel out of place with the situation.

The purpose of my thread was to question HIS respect for my son, as we have been through a lot together and I do not wish to put him through anymore. I understand where you are coming from but I hope you're not attempting to imply that I should "take what I can get" due to my circumstances".....???

"A lot of blokes his age won't bother with a single mum as they can't go out at the drop of a hat and go clubbing/partying every weekend. So for that he should be given a bit of respect for."

Eh? Yes hang on to him at all costs OP, he MUST be a keeper if he is "bothering" with you.

Yes a lot of blokes his ages immature little twerps probably WOULDN'T bother with a single Mum you are right to say that but don't agree this makes him deserving of any kind of respect. What a load of crap niceguy2.

hmmm I think both the last two posts are missing the point a bit here. It's not that as lp we should feel grateful that someone 'bothered' with us, it's just that I don't think we can help feeling a real gulf between those of us who have young dcs and those without...it really is a different world and one that you don't know until you properly experience it.

Was going to write more but ds just woken in tears. aaargh.... I'm so tired. oooh crying stopped. will carry on!
FYI I'm in same boat with lovely dp who has no kids. Was in tears about it the other night as he was in a huff with me as my ds woke up and I let him come downstairs for a bit, something I never ever do but my sister was over and he won't see her for month. Really hope my dp is 'the one' as I have never felt like this before...
uh oh crying started again. How can you explain our world to someone without dcs? It's no wonder we have the occasional wobble and feel 'grateful' that they 'bothered' with us!!!

Can I ask what you mean by "in a huff"? Why? WTF has it got to do with him at this stage if you make a judgement call on allowing your ds to get up to see your sister?

Basically I think he just felt we should have had the evening to ourselves and I instead succumbed to my 3 year old's wishes and let him come downstairs at about 10:30pm for half an hour (he'd been asleep since 7). He very rarely wakes and I'm normally pretty strict but I gave in so he could 'join in the party' (watching a bit of telly with us, my sister and her hubby!). With hindsight he probably had a point, it probably wasn't the best decision as he was grumpy as hell the next day (ds not dp!) and it did disrupt the evening, especially the 20 mins it took my sister and her dh to settle him in bed again at gone 11. But my dp was really apologetic the next day for being grumpy about it - he does try to understand even though it's practically impossible when you don't have your own kids I think...

Well, he will have to realise that children are ALWAYS number 1 to a single parent, so no huffiness if DC comes down from bed in the evening!!

He sounds a bit childish himself, tbh.

I'm glad you chose your child's needs over your boyfriend's!

I am a bit about your DP being moody about your child coming down for twenty minutes or so. Did it really disrupt the evening, did it disrupt your evening, your sisters evening? If it only disrupted his evening then I would say that is a bit of a problem tbh. I don't think your partner had "a point" at all, sorry and why were you in tears about it? Must have been some huff to get you crying.

You say he was sorry the next day, fair enough but I would be on the watch for other similar instances of sulkiness re your ds.

Well wait, my bf is 22 and has no kids and still manages to be understanding. He does come from a family with lots of children born around his early teenage years though so perhaps has more understanding than most.

Anyway, it's beside the point whether he understands innately or not - you need to be able to talk to him and have him listen - really listen, even if he doesn't have experience he should be willing to try to understand, that shows he cares and takes the fact you have children seriously.

I think a one-off incidence of grumpiness can be forgiven if he's willing to talk it through and see your point of view.

But OP, I don't think overprotectiveness is a bad thing, especially if you have had bad relatioships in the past. You need to be able to take things slowly and be 100% sure.