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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Access 3 weekends out of 4 ?

17 replies

Sapphirefling · 04/04/2011 15:43

Was wondering if anyone has had this arrangement enforced by a court order?
My job involves working weekends but since exs affair, he has seen the children every other weekend meaning that I can no longer work as many weekends and my colleagues have been picking up the slack and my wages have dropped without weekend supplements. My boss has been great and my colleagues are really supportive but it's not a long term option.
Lots of other issues about ex and I'm still scared of him so am wondering if it's even worth trying to get him to look after the children more often at weekends. This means my boss can roster me in for weekends with more flexibility and if I'm then NOT working a weekend, then i can still offer to have the kids.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 15:47

If your XP is an arse, you need to find other sources of childcare. Because no court can force him to look after his DC and by relying on him for childcare, you are putting yourself in a position where he can jerk you around whenever he likes - phoning 5 minutes after he is due to collect the DC so you can go to work and saying he has a tummy bug/urgent appointment/just can't be arsed at the moment.
If you are a single parent you can get tax credits that go towards the cost of childcare - if there is no professional weekend childcare available near you, or the cost is much too high even with tax credits, are there friends or relatives nearby who could help out sometimes?
Also, if you are scared of this man, talk to Women's Aid who will be able to support and advise you on ways to put him in his place and keep him there.

Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 16:00

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Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 16:00

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Original poster

Sapphirefling · 04/04/2011 16:15

Asking him reasonably is not an option.
I have no other options for childcare at weekends. thanks to him I am estranged from my family and I couldn't/wouldn't ask friends with their own families to provide regular childcare.
How bloody depressing to think that court orders can't even be enforced
Reliable in that he dictates what weekends he will have them and does yes. His other weekends are occupied by the OW.
Looks like he's taken my family, my dignity and my spirit - might as well let him run my career into the ground as well.

OP posts:

Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 16:19

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SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 16:22

Sapphire: a court order which tried to force a reluctant man to look after his DC would be dangerous. Or at least potentially very unpleasant for the DC. That's why there is no such thing.
You say this man has estranged you from your family - now you are rid of him, is it possible to heal the breach? If not, WRT your friends, can you not do a deal with friends that if they mind your DC on the weekends you need childcare, you will mind their DC during the week or on weekends when you are not working?

seeker · 04/04/2011 16:27

You want someone who doesn't want to to look after your children 3 weekends out of 4??????????

cestlavielife · 04/04/2011 16:34

ring childrens info service - any weekend childminders registered?
our council runs some saturday playschemes.

how old are DC?
you could get a local student/teen if they old enough?

advertise locally for someonone?

no point in relying on unreliable person for childcare - whoever they might be....

Original poster

Sapphirefling · 04/04/2011 16:49

Seeker - no. I want to be able to carry on working in order to be able to keep a roof over my childrens head. Your compassion and understanding is over whelminh
The situation is awful at the minute but I would like to hear from anyone who has similar experiences and has been able to make arrangements like this with or without the help of the courts. And as he is still their father, I sort of assumed that it would make sense for him to do it. He is busily telling everyone that he is a wonderful dad and puts his kids first at all times but more fool me for thinking I could ask him to could make it official.
And with respect to anyone who has mentioned the family estrangement, it's not something that can or will be fixed any time soon. Maybe someday but I'm not really in aposition to rock up and say 'Hey - can you have the kids for me' any time in the immediate future.
Cestavielife - think I've exhausted every option for weekend childcare with regards childminders. Kids range from 5-9. They are pretty traumatised by everything that's happened - it'sll still pretty raw and I won't leave them with someone who isn't experienced with kids.
Still hoping to hear from someone in similar circumstances ?

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 16:56

Sapphire: He may be their father, but if he's an arsehole he is going to use this issue to harass you, and that won't be good for already-distressed DC.
There is simply no legal way to make someone see or look after their DC against their wishes. Because it would be so potentially bad for DC in that situation - the reluctant adult could either mistreat the DC or simply not turn up to collect them and have a string of feasible excuses.
If he is having them some weekends and not being a knob about it, why is it so impossible to ask him to take an extra weekend?

Original poster

Sapphirefling · 04/04/2011 17:08

Because he's a control freak when it comes to being asked to do anything. Because at the minute the other woman is demanding his time every other weekend. Because if I try to 'ask' him to do anything he will automatically refuse - it's like a reflex reaction with him. It used to be about simple things like asking him if we should buy a new fridge - it is an automatic 'no' unless he suggests it. That hasn't changed.
Solicitor has just emailed back. She's going to write to his solicitor again and outline the issue again.
We'll see.

OP posts:

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 18:09

are you a postman if you are make sure the post will not be late!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 04/04/2011 18:10

god alighty so very sorry!DS (6) has a randlm approach to using my computer,

WinterLover · 04/04/2011 20:52

We have my DSD 3 weekends out of 4, that was issued by court last year.

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 20:56

i'm a lone parent to 5 and would love the older 4 father to be in a position to take them,just for a break!!

but no,it definitely,definitely is not something that any court can enforce......its just not workable is it!?

Original poster

Sapphirefling · 04/04/2011 21:34

Winterlover - thanks. Can you give any more details about if it was related to any issues in particular - or I can pm if you prefer ?

OP posts:

WinterLover · 05/04/2011 09:29

DP's exW said that a mid week visit would be 'hard work' as DSD is 5 now so has to be in bed by 7 for school the next day. The court ordered we saw DSD a minimum of 3 weekends out of 4 plus holidays etc. It works well all round as DSD enjoys seeing her dad, and before the court order was in place her mum chopped and changed access days so she never knew when she'd see her dad.

The only problem is my DP is very limited into what work he can get as he has to be available most weekends, he's been unemployed since Nov last year because of it. So although access is good, financially its hard work.

The court order is only enforcable if one of the parties takes it back to court. You could get a court contact order to offer access 3 weekends out of 4 but unless your ex is wanting to do that then he still doesnt have to turn up, meaning you'd have to take it back to court.

In my opinion if he's not all that interested in seeing his kids Id keep arrangements as they are and try to find saturday clubs etc for the children (im usually pro fathers and shared care but in your case if he's not that bothered theres not much you can do )

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