It's Mother's Day.....and I feel like such a loser

[evolucy7]

My sister has just asked if I want to go out for her next door neighbour's birthday in a few weeks, sounds fine in theory. But, my sister and her partner earn in a week probably more than I get a month. They have no children. Her neighbour is a hotshot Director for a major supermarket, he is engaged, and I know her quite well she is very nice, so no joy there lol. Anyway the evening will be very expensive, the last time we all went out to the same place was for my birthday, so she paid for me (very nice of her), but everyone was happy ordering numerous bottles of Laurent Perrier Rose Champagne, which is delicious but expensive, and I am not sure that I can justify spending so much on 1 night out. I can imagine it being the cost of both DDs swimming lessons for a term, as an example, for 3 or 4 hours out. I really don't think that my sister understands, and I feel like such a loser. Before having children and then ending up a lone parent, I had a good well paid job with good prospects, and now I just feel that I will never have that back, and now I'm crying. And you see if I go out with them I will probably end up coming home and feeling like this again anyway, when they have all been flashing the credit cards around like a few hundred quid is nothing, which it isn't to them!

Well, happy mothers day, first off. And don't let this spoil your day. You are a mother, you post shows a very thoughtful one, so you're not a loser. And flashing credit cards is great, but only you, from the people mentioned in your post, are celebrating today.

Personally, even though dh works ft, we have a horrendous tight budget, not because of massive debts, but just general cost of living, tying to squirrel away little savings, and upon reading your post my gut instinct would be to blob. Because if you're going to feel rubbish whether you go or stay in, at least you're not dreading spending money and regretting it also. You don't have to be open hearted to your sister about this, just say it's a bit above budget, maybe you two can have a girls night out another time?

Thank you

I think you might be right about just saying no, but chances to go out are limited for me, and it seems that most of my friends can afford much more than I can to go out, none of them are single parents, and quite frankly the thought of not being able to provide for my children scares me greatly. Before I had children, I would have bought anything (within reason), I always thought that I would get a pay rise/promotion and I did and so it was fine. Those days seem to be over, but I guess they are for many people anyway due to the economy, now I need to be in control of money to give my kids the best I can. And yet people talk of how we still need to go out and live our lives too, but I would probably feell pretty crap actually if I went out spent a silly amount of money and then regretted it!

the people who say go out and live your lives irrelevant of everyone having to budget... they're folk who are either loaded or up to eyeballs in debt!!!!

When you wake up the next day and take the kids swimming or to the park for a yomp, without a hangover and a sinking feeling that you've blown far too much money, you'll feel a lot better! For a fraction of the money, could you fill t he car up with petrol and go to the coast or somewhere nice for the day with eth dc's?

I am an expert at having a night out with teh girls in teh local pub once a quarter and getting drunk on £20

what lovely posts varying degrees!!! And i agree - Just be honest with your sister and suggest doing something else with her - maybe she could come out with you and your DC - always nicer to have adut company on a day out when you're used to doing everything totoally on your own. take care.

Yes I couldn't agree more, really lovely supportive posts, thanks to both of you

My sister is very very busy, so her hours for going out tend to not be very child friendly, DC are nearly 4 and 5.

I guess I could try to get her out to a cheaper place for a meal, but that had actually been the plan for my birthday, when she then said oh no let's go to , and I really didn't want to say, oh how much will it be do you think, so I just went along with it, and I was so grateful when she said she was paying for me at the end!

I actually feel much better now so thanks to you both, I have my 2 DDs who are gorgeous and that is good. If I don't go out to a posh restaurant it is not the end of the world, I'll get a bottle of prosecco and some kettle chips! (I went out with the son of a millionaire for about 5 years, before I met my ex, and looking back it was possibly the most miserable time of my life).

Yes make a nice night for yourself, something to look forward to, do your nails, facemask, watch a film, etc etc - and think what a nice evening you are having and NOT spending lots of money and feeling awful the next day about it! I used to think I had to accept all invitations that came my way and now I just say no thanks I'm doing something and leave it at that (dont give a reason why if you prefer not to).

Hi evolucy7
It seems like everyone has covered this off beautifully for you but just wanted to say that I totally get how you are feeling. I am a new single parent and like you used to earn a lot, my ex DH earned a lot and i have not had to think about budgeting since I was about 25 (fortunate position but you get used to it and I a now 40). I am now somewhat financially 'fed but still socialise with people that don't have to think too much about money. My tips maybe for the future are as follows:-

• arrange to meet for breakfast/brunch at w/ends when you don't have your children. this way you can keep a lid on spending and still have a nice time.....I meet friends in a place that is gorgeous but does boiled eggs and soldiers for the equivalent of about 3 quid (I am in Oz) so that and a coffee doesn't break the bank and I still have an nice time in a nice restaurant

• arrange to meet for drinks before dinner then you can just buy one or two glasses of wine and if you feel the need to explain so you need to get back for babysitters, catch up on work, an other reason

• for special occassions and its nice to spurge occassionally have a scan of your house and sell a few things on ebay....I treat this as 'free' money and don't feel about spending it on treats for eithe me or my DS.

good luck you sound like a lovely Mum (also in defense of your sister I am a bit horrified now I am in my position that I honestly didn't think that other people would be stretching themselves going to what I thought were fairly 'normal' restaurants....not proud of it but I didn't so she probably doesn't realise).

xx

evolucy- did anything happen with bloke at swimming?

Well I text my sister and said that I thought I would have to give it a miss as I couldn't really afford it, and she said sort out a babysitter and she'll pay for the meal. Now I feel like crying cause that's so nice! Perhaps I just need a good cry lol

I would text your sister back, say ok, fancy coming to mine for kettle chips next week? The dips are on me?

Methinks your sis pretty clued up as to how things are, if it's a genuine nice gesture you're both comfortable with, go for it! Just don't be too hungover for those swimming lessons...

you are lucky to have such a nice sister! That's just great - have a wonderful time!