What would you do if you were me?

[tammybear]

I kind of need an answer by tonight but no worries if not

I use to be a regular here, dont have a lot of time to get on here these days though

basically my ex is actually making an effort now after two years of shouting down his ear hole about being involved in dd's life.

so basically, im away the next two weeks. i will be home in between, so next week basically. dd is staying with my mum. my ex said he has this week and the weekend off work. he wants to come down at some point if he can afford to stay over.

im not 100% happy with this as i wont be here, or if he came at the weekend, im gonna be shattered and just want to spend the time with dd before im away again. plus im doing a hell lot of driving this weeks so will just want a quiet weekend without him pissing me off

my mum said she'd put my ex up but im not happy about that. me and my mum have problems and a lot of it is her not always sticking up with me when it comes to issues with my ex. some of you may remember.

so, my ex said he was gonna call tonight and let me know when he would be able to come down. i did moan hes suppose to ask if its okay, and not just presume its all okay and that i dont have anything going on.

so i just wanted to know what you thought. like i said im not happy with him seeing dd without me being there, but i suppose since my mum will be there, its not so bad. but like i said we have problems which makes me still uneasy, and i dont want to be worrying this next week about it, cos thats the sort of thing i would do.

or do i let him come at the weekend to see dd, when she might just want to spend time with me, and like wise, but may also cause a stressful weekend.

suggestions please? my heads just buzzing at the moment that i cant think straight whilst im trying to organise my break away.

Did the ex decide that this weekend was the one he happened to have off before or after he knew you were going away?

I would say to your mother that on no account is she to put him up - she's always had her loyalties in the wrong bloody place from what I remember, and imo her doing this would start up all that awful aggro again of her going behind your back with ex and ganging up on you. IIRC, your mother and ex were quite capable of hatching up a little plot to have him stay at her place while you're away knowing that you wouldn't like it. Not saying that that's what they've done, but that they're capable of it.

However, can you distance yourself from this? Have you got to a stage where you can (even if only pretending) be indifferent to what's happening, and say to him, "OK, I'm away, pick her up from Mum's and I'll see you when I get back, have a good time with her won't you?"

Because he's less likely to try and do annoying things like this and wind you up, if he can't see any sign at all that you are wound up.

A compromise might be to say that he can see DD on one weekend, but that you can't have him around for two weekends on the run, so can he choose which one he wants, and you'll fit in with him?

he knew i was going to be away ages ago, so i presume he knew to choose this particular week for that reason.

i didnt yell at him when he rang, ive been good and try not to now as i know it gets nowhere if im sat there yelling at him. hasnt worked for two years, why should it now? so when he did ring up, i said to him that he is suppose to ask if it is okay, but if he rings later and lets me know when exactly he wanted to come, because he wasnt sure when he rang (typical) then ill let him know if thats ok.

and ill leave speaking to my mum til i know what he wants to do. and yeah shes still annoying like that. she still keeps in contact with him.

i dont know what to suggest. I think you should go with your gut instinct. I suppose if you ex is making an effort and its something you have encouraged, you probably should try to fit him into the equasion [sp] somewhere so you dont take a step back so to speak. Sorry not very helpful

i know what you mean lucy. i dont want to say dont come, because it goes against me trying to get him to see dd more.

dd has nursery mon-thurs too which means its pointless him coming then too, which leaves friday or the weekend.

Message withdrawn

thanks happymum.

well at the moment, its a regular visit every 3 weeks. hes lives 3 hours away, doesnt drive, depends on his parents to come. says he cant get most weekends off work which is why its every 3 weekends because he usually only has sundays off and his parents drive him down for the day. he was going to get the train down, and stay over night. so i presume the next time he will come down is three weeks after.

tammybear, go with your gut instinct and do not allow contact whilst you are away if you have issues with it. I am not saying something bad will happen (don't know him/you your history etc) BUT if it has been difficult and you don't feel you can trust your mother and it looks odd that he wanted to arrange this knowing you aren't about I would have my suspicions. it doesn't sound like he has been reliable and there for your dd previously and it doesn't sound like you can guarantee your mums support.
hope you work something out.

I would simply say to him that as he has deliberately chosen the weekend when he knows you're going to be away, he'll have to get a different weekend off work. No need to be angry, just calm and determined. He's known for ages, he's playing his silly manipulative games, old habits obviously die hard.

Your mother is of course encouraging him. Tell her calmly that you've told him he can't see DD on the weekend when you're away and that if she speaks to him, she shouldn't encourage him to go behind your back, because you're not prepared to put up with his shenanigans anymore, and that she's not doing her grandchild -or child - any good by encouraging him to mess you around.

thanks guys. i dont feel comfortable with it but the whole me encouraging him to see her more has been playing on my mind. i havent heard from him yet, but knowing him he'll most likely be down the pub since its saturday night, and probably totally forgot he was suppose to ring.

thank for your advice. i will try and be "civil and pleasant" about it, and not to end up shouting down the phone at him.

Wondred where you were tammy.
How's the job?
Welcome back!

hey moondog! thanks. i have been lurking and post the odd time, but been pretty hectic the past few months

yeah work is great. the people i work with are really nice so im enjoying it.

how are you?

Oh fine thanks.
At least ex is making an effort for dd eh??

its only been the past two months though. i gave him a few home truths which seem to have woken him up a little. better late than never i suppose lol

ooo actually thats a bit of a lie. he still seems to have a bit of struggle when it comes to deciding whether visiting dd or going to see a football match is more important, and what is even worse, its usually football that he chooses... grrr