AIBU?/ access and breastfeeding

[chunkybum]

So I have just got off the phone to my ex, our baby is due in 6 months.
I have asked him to decide what he would like to do for the baby etc.
he replied 'well im coming to the scans, you cant F-ing stop me'.
I explained that I was only prepared to have him there if i could trust him enough and that he needed to meet before etc for coffee or something to break the ice a bit first.
We split up on the back of him being a bit horrid and i said i couldnt see him anymore.
He has suggested that i get RID as he puts it.

I am very uncomfortable around him because he can be very aggressive too.
He then said and let me know what i need to buy for my house as ill be having the baby all weekends.
I was like 'er no, it dosent work like that, i need to be able to trust you so we can build up contact over time and the more trust you gain the more le-way ill let u have'
he then stated' you cant fucking stop me seeing my fucking kid alright, and im coming to the scan and u can stop that either'
im not happy being around someone that feels its ok to talk to me like this.
where do i stand, i dont want him at the scan, i dont want him near me at all.
is that unreasonable, to not allow him there, and to want limited contact till i can trust him properly.
he does not have a brilliant track record with aggression and im genuinly scared that he would loose it with the baby, not hit the baby, just shout lots and swear lots.

sorry i forgot to sayy ill be exclusively breastfeedeing and he said hes gonna give the baby a bottle! where do i stand with this

You don't have to have him at any appointments, scans or the birth - just don't tell him about them.

I'd wait til the baby is here to negotiate contact - if it went to court I can't imagine any judge would order contact that would take an exclusively breastfed baby away from it's mother, it just wouldn't be in the child's interests.

Sounds like he is more into controlling what you can do than into doing what is best for baby, so this isn't really him stepping up in any way as a parent, but another form of EA. I wouldn't tell him when I was having scans at all, your health is paramount and his aggression would directly impact. I'd refuse to enter into arguments about what you will do when baby comes, refuse to have him present at any appointments, and communicate with him through official channels only so he had no chance to be aggressive or controlling in the meantime. Log all aggressive communications, so that you have evidence in future to back up not wanting your baby to be alone overnight in the early months, breastfeeding will also support this. Hopefully he will calm down and act like a mature adult once he realises you won't engage on his level.

im so worried he knows when the scan is already. our mutal friend phoned me earlier and said she 'does not agree that i should ban him from the scan as its unethical'. im sorry but surely Its not ok to have him there when he treats me like that either
I just dont want to be stopping him unreasonably

do not communicate with him....why are you?

its stressing you out and not even necessary.....change your number.

when the baby has arrived you can contact him,then keep further communication between third party or a solicitor. you cant reason with men like this. and untill the baby is born its all about OUR body,so up to you only who attends medical appointments....including the birth

Im just feeling so helpless, Im scared people will think im cruel for not letting him be there.
he basicly behaved really badly towards the end of our relationship and i ended it because of his behaviour, funny tho, some of his friends, (our mutual) friends that encouraged me to leave him because of his aggression and lying, and bad temper and cheating, are all saying its cruel to stop him being involved and how can i expect him to mature and calm down if i dont give him a chance.

he cant really give the baby formula if i ask him not to can he??? my son has a significant dairy allergy, to the point where i could not have dairy for the 2 years i was feeding him, I have been advised that formula could be very bad for my kids as they all have dairy intollerances and various allergies.
Surely a Judge would not let him take a suckling infant away for a whole weekend?

dont worry,courts tend to go with the 'little and often' rule,and if he's been so aggressive,then he could end up in a contact centre for access,which will be an hour or so every fortnight

stop worrying,and stop worrying about what other people think of you!!

No, I don't think a judge would.

Change your scan appointment, explain to them you are being threatened by an agressive ex who may show up.

Forget about what other people think - the only people you need to look after is you and your baby

Stop communicating with him at all, he can get a solicitor when the baby is born if he really wants contact

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

you can have him barred from the scan room

you can have him barred from the delivery room

if you exclusively bf, or even non-exclusively bf, or ebven bottle feed, you as a newborn baby's mother will choose if and when he has overnight stays

do you have a restraining or non-molestation order against him ?...that will bar him from your property

you need have nothing to do with him for as long as you like, if you are prepared to put your words ino actions and report him for his abuse and pestering of you

keep copis of all texts, emails and timings of abusive phone calls

write everything down

when the baby is a few months old, you may want to consider him having access through a 3rd party such as a contact centre

stop listening to him and stop listening to your uninformed friend

speak instead to the wise ladies on here and to organisations such as CAB and Womens Aid who have seen all this macho fucking bullshit a million times before x

you owe him nothing

but you owe yourself and your baby a peaceful pregnancy, birth and newborn period

don't you dare let him spoil it for you

< bows out of lone parents >

< peace and r'spect you all >

thankyou this is brilliant advice!!!

Yep don't communicate with him during your pregnancy and loose the 'mutual friend' who simply isn't being a good friend to you right now.

He'll probably lose interest during that time and hopefully you won't have to deal with him after the birth because by that time he'll be thinking in terms of cash. And cash means access. So that'll be no access then.

So chill for the rest of your pregnancy and look after no.1.

You really shouldn't have laid down with someone you say is so violent but you made that choice and he is the babys father. And the baby deserves contact with it's father.
You may breast feed but it is not a deffinate many mums plan to do this and are unable. If you do breast feed you can express for when baby is with it's father.
The aggro is likely worse if he feels he is being excluded. If you wanted a sperm doner you should have gone to a sperm bank but for better or worse he is the father and you need to find a way to work together for the benefit of you child as he/she is the most important thing and he/she deserves a relationship and bond with both parents

No point saying you shouldn't have. It's happened and that's that. Not having overnight stays is not the same as not having contact, I would aim for short third party supervised sessions in the early months personally.

You do not have to express for when baby is with father. It can interfere with supply in the early months, you are not advised to express for at least the first six weeks, longer even if my memory serves. Nor will a suckling child always accept a bottle with ease, and again it can interfere with good latch and successful breastfeeding. My DD did not use a bottle or dummy until she was thirteen months old, and I would not have risked failing at establishing breastfeeding by introducing expressing or artificial nipples when she was very little. A good father would work with the mother to ensure the best for a child, not try to get in the way of it, overnight contact is not necessary so early on and not if it interferes with feeding choices.

There will be no aggro if you exclude him from YOUR life, including medical appointments and birth, because you will not be allowing him to bring any into your sphere. If he does not respect your self-enforced boundary, you can easily draw up legal boundaries and have them law-enforced. Excluding him from YOUR life is not excluding him from his child's life, he should respect this and back off. If he doesn't, again it is not about what is best for his child, but about his own aggressive agenda with you.

Ignore the sperm donor comment. Stuff happens, don't worry about other people's judgement, they don't know you or your life.

yes the baby deserves conctact and this can eb at contact centre, third party handovers.
this applies as far as i know once baby is born - i am not sure he has rights to the unnborn child thru attending scans etc?

keep away wait til baby is born then set up contact thru third party or contact centre.
speak openly to your midwife and Hv about the situaiton.

I shouldn't think any one has any right over her body and well-being except herself. Whilst she is pregnant she has final say as to who is present at her appointments. When he has parental responsibility, then he has a right to be involved and informed.

I'm amazed by the people here thinking hat in the face of bullying men, women have any power in the court system.

Today I go to court (after a year battle) to agree access terms in respect of my ex and my kids hopefully easing them back ito staying contact slowly, My daughter accused my ex of hitting her brother and shoplifting in front of here. SW have been in involved and swallowed the line that it was a "pillow fight" and they were playing hiding from the store dectectives" where the grandad was playing the store detective. SW recommended access resume at the level it was prior to it stopping because it's child abuse to prevent a child having a relationship with the father.

Someone else I know is having access resumed iro of 3 children. He was violent with police involvement. SW are supporting access with the father.

Good luck with the contact centre theory, I tried that approach too.

Honestly i you have a child with this man he will have rights of you and your child. When the children were attending contact my ex had a say in when we went on holiday where we live and so on. Best you can hope for is that he is a disterested father However if he is a truly abusive one you will probably go through hell bringing up his child.

I'm sorry if my post is somewhat gloomy compared to others

OP - listen to Peter's advice please.

In fact - contact women's aid so you can actually talk this through with someone in RL.

Latemates - your post sickens me. "You really shouldn't have laid down with someone you say is so violent but you made that choice and he is the babys father. And the baby deserves contact with it's father."

You obviously have no idea about domestic violence - go and educate yourself - here, for example.

This is not in anyway the OP's fault!

The baby deserves a father who is not violent/emotionally abusive/manipulating/controlling.

Let us be 100% clear on this. The father has absolutely 0% right to be at any scans/appointments/delivery etc. Once the baby has been born the father can apply to the courts for access.

Consider changing your email address and phone number and only checking for messages occaisionally when you have someone supportive around you.

ignore latemates he clearly has 'issues'

listen to peter

good luck op and keep yoourself safe, keep and report any abusive texts/calls to the police they are very good at dealing with domestic violence now (well they were with me)

if he insists on being aggressive say you will only have contact through a solicitor and cut ALL contact and that means your extremely unhelpful 'mutual' friend (btw I would tell them to eff-off)

sending you a twat shield ~~~~right now

He is not a he. I am a she thank you

sorry 'she' clearly has issues

Her 'friends' think she is being unreasonable to he ex. Maybe the friend has issues too. And he clearly has issues based on the allegations.

For people who get abused it is terrible but abuse isn't just male to female and even if he is abusive that does not mean he will direct that to his child. There are ways and means of supporting contact without leaving the child alone with him (extended families etc).

"abuse isn't just male to female" = what about the menz

We don't need to disrupt this thread and silence OP's voice about what is happening to her.

chunky - it is completely reasonable for you to not want your ex at the scans/delivery etc. You really need to get some RL help from eg women's aid rather than various "friends" who are basically not supporting you or don't understand your valid concerns re agression/manipulation etc.

Chunky just from your original post I would have no qualms about cutting contact straight away and just dealing with him through a solicitor. I got legal aid though, do you qualify for this ? I have the letters which we communicated through and there is probably about 6-7 just confirming access and other issues. We were referred to mediation too which really helped in the long run although it was very stressful at the time

my ex was aggressive but not violent. I kept a diary of everything which really helps to keep things in perspective but to also keep arguements issue based and short and to the point. Try not to engage in 'emotional' arguements and most of all call womens aid !! If you want to do this together which is the best way for baby and you, you need to set clear boundaries of the kind of behaviour you will accept from him....and being abusive over the phone is not it.

Maybe womens aid will be able to advise you on how to communicate with him in the best way?

Chunky,

I suggest you talk to your midwife. I too am having almost sim issues as yourself. He cannot go near the scan or the rooms when you're in labour. If you want to talk off board PM as I can't really go into too much details but I also have a mutual friend. Get rid of her hon. Do it alone and don't be scared!

Vxx