How to deal with the idiot exH? Idease wanted!

[Montessorisam]

Hi there,

just split up from H. I have 3 kids(age 22 months, 6 and 9), job (25 hours) and am renting property. Our split is amicable in that we no longer can live with each other and argue constantly. We agreed that it's best we go our separate ways.

H left but has turned all anger and hatred towards me. He has been gone a week. I am trying to keep it all civil for the kids sake but he is already acting the arse. Told me he is no longer giving me money but will give the kids cash. Fair enough. I have to pay rent on 3 bed house, all bills, food, etc. Which I will somehow do.....

He brought the kids home tonight. Used the shower. Left me with a wet towel and bathroom floor and then told me that he would prefer it if I wasn't in the house on a Friday whilst he has the kids!!!! When he was in the shower I thought that I would not say anything as it is late and for the sake of the kids, etc. But when he said that well I had to tell him that he can't do that can he?! I am astounded that he thinks that he can still come in and use everything and tell me when I can be around, etc. Is he MAD!?

H is very mixed up - been drinking every night for 3 years, blames me for every wrong decision that we have ever made...he goes back 9 years with this one! Anyway, long story short - I got sick of the blame, aggresion, anger, crap behaviour.... Yet he somehow thinkshat he has been wronged and has the right to act the idiot...

How do I deal with exh? What is the best way to handle this. I do not want anymore arguing in front of the kids as they are stressed enough about it. Do I just let it all ride for a bit? Will it get easier if I stay calm and put up with it til he (maybe) realises what an idiot he is!?

Do not let him into your home. Phone your landlord and lie and say you ahve lost your key - can you pay to change the locks - or tell the truth if you have an understanding landlord. The relief it gave me when I changed the locks was unbelievable. You need your space after all he has his persoanl space Where do you get to keep all your persoanl documents and effects if he is constantly in your home.
Change the locks - tell him if you want to but I just did it and walked insode and LOCKED my door when the aggro started. Try and keep the arguing away from the kids and start up regular conatct for hima nd DC - he si surely staying somewhere, if it is appropriate he can see them there, if not many NRPs see their kids in various locations - cinemas, soft play, parks, McDonlads, grandparents house etc.

Then go and see a bloody good family lawyer!! If you're near Northampton I can recommend one!

Good luck - been there, got through it x

1. Change the locks. He's moved out. End of. He shouldn't be in your house.
2. Call your jobcentre and organise a meeting with the lone parent advisor and get all your benefits sorted - you will be entitled to housing benefit, working tax credits and child tax credits to top up your earnings to keep your house going.
3. He needs to go away and sort his alcoholism out. Which he won't. So you need to think of when and how you want him to see the kids and then come to some sort of agreement with him that you both stick to. Perhaps he takes them out twice a week or something and then brings them home before bed time. Where is he staying?
4. Maintenance money should be sorted out. If he is giving the kids cash what does that mean? do they then give it to you? I suspect he isn't going to provide, and this is his first way of excusing it. Make it clear that you expect him to pay maintenance. Never let him think you find anything else acceptable.

I have issues with safety when my ex is with little one (tho it is very very rare) because of his drinking. You might want to take this into consideration.

Rule of thumb is do not be surprised at how selfish he can be.
Make it very clear what you want him to provide and what is acceptable
Otherwise he will completely take the piss and try and get away with whatever he can

Agree - don't let him in. Change the locks if he has a key. If he wants to see the kids he can take them elsewhere - he doesn't need to see them in the house and he DEFINITELY doesn't need to use the shower. If you don't want to cause a scene in front of the children you can email him or text him saying he's not to come in the house any more.

He is not going to "realise" what an idiot he is - on some level (ie even if he's not fully aware of this) he's doing it on purpose to get back at you. It's about control - you can't ignore it, or he's got what he wants. You need to stand your ground and be far more less reasonable than you think you should be. If he starts to argue with you just say quite clearly "I don't want to argue in front of the children." if he carries on walk away or repeat this or say something like "If you can't discuss this calmly I will have to ask you to leave." - same with issues you don't want to discuss in front of them. Suggest that you meet to discuss them another time or that he sends you an email.

And also agree about seeing what help you can claim in benefits as well - you should get housing benefit as you rent, which will be a big help. It's paid direct to you so sometimes no need to even let landlord know.