Diary of..........(no not a call girl ;)

[belleshell]

Day 1

As of today i am officially not married anymore.

I kinda feel i can start the rest of my life and after my melt down this week ( due to health issues) i really have thought about it. My hours in work are been cut (ill health reasons) but im actually fine with that, not so sure when the bills come in! After my son been suspended from school this week i have reassessed and discussed with my XH more suitable shared care ( currently week on week off, which doesnt work for me and is proving not to work for the kids as was proven this week...i think they just get used to dads way then its all change to my way.. and our ways are very different ...im a parent then a friend my XH thinks he needs to be a friend then a parent.its not working our son is going off the rails)..XH isnt too happy because it means officially i have them school nights( - thurs day night every other week), he officially gets weekends...... XH concerns are not about the kids but more about what if he want to go out on a weekend.ive explained he was very lucky in our marriage that he did what he wanted when he wanted..but actually parenting is all around the planning, and actually all parents need to plan a weekend out....or use is family that he is so adamant he never wanted to leave, that i am now forced to live 100 miles away from any support because he wont allow me to move back home with the kids....( im ranting now).

Nevertheless i do feel sad and have shed a tear. he was the love of my life, when i got married i wondered if a piece of paper and a ring really meant things would change (we had lived together for a while before and had been together 5 years) now i know they did. i miss been married and the married life (not to him i hasten to add, just in genera)l. I loved the family thing and been a wife, but it takes two to make a marriage and im not sure what happened but in the end we where two people living in the same house not a couple...and i tried very very hard for 2 years to make it work, but i was the onl one trying) there comes a point in your life that you give up trying if it never works despite all your efforts. He as moved on very quickly and as all but replaced my role, his gf and her baby stay at his 90% of the time.... i dont know what to think about that.... i too have met a someone new who yes u guessed lives in the same village as the rest of my family..which is a good thing we are old school friends going through very similar situation. i only see him once a week which at the minute is plenty.... for both of us, my priorities are my kids and trying to create a life with out family support and a chronic illness.....

Finally i miss my ring..........ive got it in a box but i must have been a twiddler cos i still find my self twiddling..... just keep thinking gold prices are good ;)

Day 2

Before i start, hariboegg, after trying everything at least i could say i didnt walk out on my marriage without trying so you too should be proud of that too. And my 'friend' does make me happy, he as been a good support, male doesnt know my xh ( therefore cant judge) and gives me a male perspective........he also make me laugh and its nice to be with someone who wants to spend time with me...... im not sure where it will go 1 day every week or so isnt really a relationship but!!!! im happy (still very alone, he too is 100 miles away) and my new outlook is live each day as it comes if it makes u happy go with it if it doesnt change it!!!

So day two of the rest of my life. I do feel different not sure why but do. my task is to let xh not get to me, everything he does winds me up... plus he is going to abroad today with his gf and im jealous..........not that they are going but i want to be going abroad to celebrate (defo not with him i hasten to add!) but i have to live within my means so me and kids are off to scarborough and actually im luckier cos im going with kids and i cant wait!!!

ive been thinking about my ring i might really 'cash for gold it' and buy myself a ring. something to think about!!!

i did get rid of everything else to do with my wedding dress etc went to charity shop xh got all the cards and photos back...this is the only thing i have left but actually i think im ready to let it go!!! something to think about whilst drinking my sex on the beach on the sunny east coast!!!! ( or maybe my hot chocolate sat in a cafe watching the rain)

Day 3,4,5

Whoops sorry was on jollies for day 3 and 4 with kids, had a fab time proper quality time, me and 2 kids. However 1st holiday as single mum with ME was very at times very very difficult, so i guess day 3,4,5 diary starts with its very tough! and i felt very alone at times with kids but on the other hand i have loved every min of seeing the kids having fun.

I dont suppose the phone call from the police ( with regards to last weeks incident where DS was suspended from school) helped matters but i dealt with it by myself and son as thanked me since so team mum rules! (xh sunning himself in Tenerife as we speak, whilst i have sat today and listened to my little boy getting a police caution)

Hi Hariboegg, my 'friend' and i went to school together, we had a school reunion a few years ago, and started chatting from there, spoke alot on the dreaded FB but both have had similar marital problems. We met up again at Christmas at a mutual friends party and it went from there! he is a great support.

As for feeling different i feel stronger, guess its because i know im on my own, so its up to me, but i dont know i cant explain it. I am stubborn too so i will prove to Xh and X in laws that i dont need them........

Day 6

Normal. thats how i feel today, normal....... kids in school ( im still of sick so feel crap in that way) but normal.me and kids been planning our summer holidays and after proving at the weekend i can do it im looking forward to it, and its something me and the kids are planning today together!!! roll on summer.

im off into work tomorow to see boss and counsellor, their gonna hava a field day.

Im off sick cant get my ME registered as a disability because no one knows how, my divorce came throu last week, my DS suspended from school and been given a police caution, i cant get throu day without been in constant pain and fatigue, my hours been reduced in work due to illness, money worries, x inlaws have told me im all alone, all my family support is 100 miles away............other than that im fine!!!

hehehehe

Day 7

Stronger.......thats how i feel today been to work and to see counsellor who told me id got my head screwed on! I have realised that i can do this by myself and it wont all be easy but it cant get much worse than your 12 year old getting a police caution and showning him its serious but at same time im on his side.....all this whilst his dad is sunning himself abroad, having a rest cos he is tired!!!!

Got DD parents evening tonight? lets see how that goes

hariboegg your right money worries can be managed, sod the in laws they never liked me anyway and camping in summer what better way to spend time with my kids ( ok 5* hotel some where hot) but its what we make of it....

Day 7 update!

DS parents evening..........fab report!

Day 8

Today is my mothers day, kids not here at weekend guess thats down side of divorce, but up side is we get to go out midweek for tea and its a bit cheaper...kids think its fab too.

I had a bit of a wobble last night but only because i was so angry at XH. he didnt ring DD despite me texting to say she had had a fab parents evening, but once again i made up for it and made a fuss.

i had a ping moment in the bath earlier...XH is a good dad, good at been the fun parent but he is no good at been a mum..thats my job!!! and i suppose im lucky in that sense that he is a good dad, just a shite husband!!!!

Day 9.

Had the best early others day yesterday!! down side is Kids go to dads today for a week!!!! not sure ill be quite so strong next week, but told XH we need to talk and i am determined we are going to change access agreements..

So this mothers day weekend im going home to see my mum which is also a 1st, so its not all bad. Ive got her a lovely card and alos a thank you card for been the best despite been ill her self.....ive put an IOU for cofffee and cake some time next week, proper mum/daughter time.........

So to all you mums out there (and dads that are both) Happy mothers day! ill try keep up with the diary over weekend

Day 14

Anger............. what a f*king t0er, ex will not consider changing contact despite DS been in trouble with police, on monday he let him outta the village something we agreed he couldnt do..how will ds ever learn that all actions deliever consequences, when that t*t lets him do what he wants. I dont think i have ever truely been angry, but i am, i wnat to hurt him, but dont want the kids to go throu any more, have i got the strength to fight him for altered access and could i put my kids throu it..... i dont think i could, but if i dont he as won and i wont ever forgive myself for that especially when its ds benefit i am wanting to change access........

guess this week is a downer, wish they would all disappear in a puff of smoke!

Day 15

Kids back with me today so im sure this week will be better, the sun is shining, weekend here so far so good.........

still feel poorly sick but ill manage, i really feel like finding a dark corner and stopping there and coming out when its all over and done with....... i thought it was supposed to get easier not harder...

oh well im off to do garden, something i have never done!!!

Day 16

kids here dealt with the usual kids crap (dd had sleepover, her friend needed to go home at midnight not feeling well!) and its what i do best.....

guess this is the void i need to fill when kids with x.

oh well sun is shining, grass needs cutting( i hate gardening but love sitting in tidy garden in sun with a cheeky wine with tea), and i got divorce money throu so gonna trat us to new (cheap) garden furniture bbq and log burner for me ( ive always wanted one)

happy days.....

enjoy all MN friends

Day 17 (RETROSPECTIVELY)

Ive worked out the i am happy doing mum things, and when kids arent here the void kills me.... not rocket science but thats my issue... i need to find something to do 3-4 nights a week that i dont have to comit to and doesnt require anything physical ( too physical due to my ME!!)

Have spent the last two days in the garden making it ours.... we love to sit out in summer and eat tea together.

DD has had friends over and had a fab time playing with water guns and water bombs, she even went to call on little girl over road......result!!

DS is back out playing but with it as come the attitude..........but im right on that..

And in a really good but really bad way, i have chatted to kids, they really dont want to change contact arrangements....so looks like im stuck with week on week off, but things with x need to change....Also i was beating myself up that dd especially was loving this new ready made family her dad as magiced from no where.......it turns out it is not the case, and as i told him a month ago he cant be puttin 100% into both. Seems like it is my DD that is missing out. she used toplay hours with her dad, and now she says sometimes its like she isnt there cos dad spends all time withOW and her baby...even having different meal times to DD which means she is left at kitchen table alone.she hates been alone, follows me around house all time. However he sits at table if OW little daughter is eating. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm we will be having words.

As for me and what makes her sad here, im not allowed to go outside and kiss my "FRIEND" im allowed to kiss him inside but not outside (chuckles) but actually it comes down to been in house alone.... she is 9, and i went to kiss him goodbye. I have taken it onboard and will only kiss indoors from now on.

Day 18

Well my plans to go back to work have back fired GP thinks i still need to be off, so in the grand scheme of things feel a bit useless, back to work for another meeting tomorrow............. god my life is complicated at the minute. Kinda having a rethink on week on week off with kids, i just have to see it as having 4 nights ( i can be busy other 3) of me time, once i get back to work maybe i will deal with this better, plus light evenings mean i can go out for walks which will do my ME good and my expanding waiste band.

off to meet X in pub tomorrow to discuss kids ( cant do it as his as OW there, and i dont want him here) so pub is safe place and no loud arguing.......

Day 19

What more shit can be thrown my way, after checking my account daily for past week waitin for HB i rang yesterday to find out it was stopped last month!!!!!!!!!!!!! So not only have my hours been cut my HB is no more...Hence i cant afford to live here, UNLESS!!!!!!!!

x as wanted everything by the book, divorce settlement for house ( that i still havent had, shared care, everything through solicitor....blah blah blah......) i have tried on o number of occasions to ask him to meet in a neutral place to discuss kids etc but he always cancels etc.

After a few frantic hours yesterday i had a lightbulb moment........ i havent ever claimed CSA, he pleads poverty all the time but continues to live his life the way we did when we was married ( we werent rich but was comfortable...) Me however have had to budget for everything even down to money for brownies etc...

So i have looked into CSa, and also me paying my own childcare and not his then only claiming WTC for my share,

i might not be much better off but i will be able to stay in this house that the kids love its in a nice area and close to their dad to stop any boundries been put in place due to distance...........even if my rent is more than my mortgage was on a 4 bed detached house!!!!

every cloud as a sliver lining, and if he wants it all above board then so do i ..

Day 20

Well what a difference a day makes......... eventually pinned ex down to chat about kids, ( in local pub so couldnt shout) told him all of above, he pleaded poverty said he didnt know how he would do it and would have to sell his beloved car..... he does however have a works van and his GF has a car too... i did feel a bit of a cow but im afraid kids and a roof over their heads comes way before his midlife crisis (ie big 4x4 that he could never afford)

i have also negotiated a reduction in my rent for 3 months so not homeless for now..........