Meeting your ex's new partner...

[origamirose]

Hello,

I am new to this site and would like some advice as i am sure many of you will have views on this.

I have no children of my own (which may or may not be relevant). I met my partner's children (6 and 9) over a year ago, 3 years after he got divorced. I am the only partner he has had since the divorce. The relationship with his ex wife isn't great (but not terrible either) - I'd describe it as strained.

Despite knowing his children for over a year I have not met their mum yet. We thought it would happen naturally over a pick up or drop off but it hasn't (they live very close to their dad).

We are thinking of moving in together and I would like to meet his ex before we do that because I think it is
a) good manners as I will be seeing more of the children and
b) better for the children who have recently stopped talking about their Mum when they're with us).

What do you think?

• is it important that I meet their mum?
• how would you go about arranging it without putting anyone (especially the children) under too much pressure?

Thank you.

i think you are being v sensible. Not sure how you approach it though, without it seemind forced. Perhaps best route is for their dad to mention to her that you are planning on living together and think it would be good to at least say hello prior to that?

Having been in their mum's position, I have some experience with this.
Ex's first gf: The children were talking about her and spending every weekend with her for months before I decided to introduce myself to her. No move was made by my ex to sort this. There was a lot going on at the time but I was really fed up that he didn't arrange it and asked him to a few times. I did not expect her to take the initiative as she didn't know the situation.
2nd gf: Again, I introduced myself to her when I went to collect some of the kids stuff from his place. It was a last minute arrangement and just by chance she was there - trying to hide, embarrassingly enough.
It sounds like you have good intentions, have you sounded out your partner on this matter? Has he suggested it?
It is VERY difficult to cope with someone else spending time with your children like this and takes a lot of maturity/ common sense/ moved on-ness on the part of EVERYONE.

Maybe she doesnt feel the need to meet you.

My exes new wife doesnt have any say in the upbringing of my kids apart from getting him to reduce his child support! I have met her, but I would only deal with ex not her on matters relating to our children, so dont feel the need to talk to her at all.

I met XH's new dp at xmas for the first time, he'd already said she was someone he really liked/was special etc etc DS had met her once. DP & I arranged to drop DS off at a service station (not ideal I know) at xmas so DS could spend time with them - we were driving on up to DP's parents.

it was neutral ground, we said hello & were pleasant to each other but really XH & I talked while DP & NG just stood/sat by.

Both XH & GF came to DS's party, which I thought would be strained it was ok, they kept to their selves, I was pleasant.

I think key points are to keep things civil brief and informal. for DS he saw it as natural as it was in essance a hand over. I wouldn't recommend all of you sitting down for a cuppa with the kids about etc in their home as it might be hard, maybe something like a trip to the park where mum brings them, you all play for 10 mins or so then either party can walk away with the kids.

it's odd from the mums POV but it gets easier.

My OH is seperated/soon to be divorced and his ex asked him if she could have my email address so we could at least introduce ourselves to each other. I think it's totally reasonable as I will be their daughter's stepmother. I feel if me and his ex can establish a level of civility/friendliness then that's going to mean that their daughter will not have to deal with a nasty environment like I had to (my mum and step mum never got on, nor did they even try to)... maybe I am being naive but I would like to think that me and his ex could be grown up enough to put the interests of the child ahead of any personal issues. I came on the scene long after they seperated, so there is no personal animosity. It's not my business to butt in with parenting stuff, but I do feel like it's important to reassure her that I care deeply for her child and will do my best for her. After all I took on a package deal. It's a role I never thought I would take on: stepmother. I only hope I don't screw it up!!!!

OP fwiw i think that you are being v sensible about things
is your dp on amicable terms with his exw?

I first met xh's GF when he and she came to pick ds up one weekend. She'd been around for about 6 months but xh had always been cagey about us meeting - both she and I wanted to meet but he kept putting it off. When I met her I realised why - she was the spitting image of me We didn't make a big deal out of the meeting - just a quick hello on the driveway and then over time we've got to know each other better.

That was six years ago - she and I now get on pretty well. In fact, in many ways I find her to be more reliable/sensible than xh re: ds! She loves ds but never tries to get in the way. We've even had days out/lunches together (xh, me, gf and ds) - it's all pretty civilised. We've all been to e.g. school garden parties/summer fairs as a group, she and xh have been over to ours for Xmas etc.

I know some people find it a bit weird that we're not glowering at each other from our respective corners but imo it's a bonus for ds if she and I get on. I've got no axe to grind with her, after all, and ds knows who his mummy is

My advice would be to engineer a short, neutral meeting, smile and be friendly but don't overdo it, and hopefully all will be ok.

My ex told me he had started seeing his partner about 9 or 10 months after we separated (she may or may not have been involved in the separation, he says not, I have my doubts).
She has a child slightly younger than our eldest child.
I did not want my marriage to end, but it did so reasonably amicably and I have no axe at all to grind with his new partner.

The kids were introduced and from then on they spent most weekends together.
They got a house together at the end of last year (so 2 years after my children met her).
I met her in passing last autumn, when my eldest was performing at a school event.
I went over, said hello and introduced myself (she obviously knew who I was at that point as my youngest spent the event sat on my knee). That was pretty much it.

I personally have NO desire at all to get to know her at all.
The kids talk about their time at their dads, about his new partner and about her child - that is fine.

Thanks all. Is a tough situation for everyone and DP and I want to make it as easy/stress free as possible (for everyone).
DP and I appreciate your shared experiences!

Also, just to add a bit more context... my ex did not want his marriage to end and there was no-one else (on either side) involved in the break up.

i was thinking about this today as EXp has a new partner and they have taken the dcs out a few times together, but he has actually picked up teh dcs before collecting her and when he drops off, he parks away from the house. i sort of wish he just introduced us so it didn't have to be an issue. i would rather know her than not if she is going to be in my dc's lives.

Exactly, BooyHoo. A friend of mine split with her dp nearly two years ago, and has been seeing someone else almost all that time. The boyfriend spends weekends with her and her ds, takes him out shopping, puts him to bed and babysits when she goes out etc. Her ds has met his family. They've been on holiday together. He is a very involved part of the child's life.

But she still hasn't told her ex-partner about this 'new' boyfriend. We've talked about it many times and, much as I don't particularly like her ex, I do think he has a right to know who is looking after his child on a regular basis. Plus the fact that her ds knows he has to keep it a secret from daddy, which imo is an awful thing to expect a child to do. The ex will hit the roof when he does finally find out, and I'm not sure I'd blame him.

Anyway, sorry, slightly off-topic there But I think you are doing a very sensible and responsible thing, origamirose, and I hope things work out for you all.

"her ds knows he has to keep it a secret from daddy, which imo is an awful thing to expect a child to do. "

totally agree. it isn't fair on teh dcs to put that burden on them.

oh god agreed what pressure for a child.

I think out of respect for the other partner you do need to say if another adult will be involved in the childs life, however there's no need to make a big issue out of things. I'm lucky in the sense I don't see the GF often, but am quite happy for DS to talk about his time there etc & tbh am happy & glad that he enjoys his time with his dad/GF.

from this POV, it's not a major thing for her/I to be good friends, there's no malice there, feel sorry for her with XH as she's very young & slightly nieve I think but ah well she's young she'll learn lol. key things that both XH & I agree on is we respect each other as the other parent, if DS's behavior needs discussing we both talk to respective partners & then talk to each other.

but ultimatly I don't worry because DS is happy. if DS was in any way unhappy/worried/anxious I would have made a big point about meeting the GF, spending time getting to know her etc etc but it's honestly not an issue. I wouldn't say we'd ever sit & have a coffee just us girls in the cafe but likewise if she's a permeant fixture in DS's life then there needs to be openess & some sort of relationship.

Likewise XH is the same with DP, whom he's met more as DP is usually around when XH brings DS back. Just keep things casual, expect a few teething problems and be open & honest you'll do fine. :). FWIW i've not met DSS's mum yet after a year, not sure if I will do, I suspect I will at some point, will be slightly odd, however she also trusts DP with her child in turn knows he wouldn't introduce his lad to a random stranger so it's not been necessary. I suspect if DSS requested it then we'd all meet up and get along for a bit.

I find as well, with DSS when he's with us I came along thinking I'm a friend, another adult he can talk to & be silly with/do homework with, not at any moment have I thought right i'm this child's step mum, he's my responsibility & I need to be the mother when he's with us. (usually do unconciously but that's my maternal side fussing lol)