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Any tips for a recently bereaved Dad with a 15 year old Daughter?

25 replies

Rupert47 · 18/03/2011 19:37

Hi to all.
I lost my wife of 24 and a half years at Christmas,we met when we were both 17 and were never apart(I'm now 47),I'm not feeling sorry for myself but my heart breaks for my son and daughter who have lost their Mum.Ryan is off to University in September which will leave Jess and myself rattling around in the house with all it's memories-I feel a little guilty as I can she that she is worried about me and trying to be a bit of a "mum" herself.Any thing I should be watching out for or worried about-I got her school report today and she has done amazingly well considering what we have been through.Many Thanks in advance.Simon

OP posts:
theanimalswentintwobytwo · 18/03/2011 19:46

Hi.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I personally have no experience but this might be useful.
bereavement for teens

missmehalia · 18/03/2011 19:49

Hi Simon, this sounds awful for all of you. Huge sympathies. Does Jess have any adult role models/mentors that she chats to? (School teacher/music teacher/sports coach/drama coach, etc.) I bet you've been a great dad throughout the whole thing so far, and I'm sure you've probably already kept her school completely in the loop.

They'll both be finding it hard, and friends may not know how best to suport them. I've never been through it myself, but my friend's daughters recently lost their dad, (they're 12 and 14). They have said that their school counsellor and class teacher have helped hugely (so there's someone at school who understands, and that they can chat to confidentially. It's someone 'outside' that can't be hurt or upset by anything they say.) They've also said it's much better if, when they see someone socially, that the loss is acknowledged in some way, if not particularly dwelled on. I think if there's always someone around them who is aware of their loss, but doesn't make them focus on it it seems to help. Flexibility and understanding of those around them seems to be key.

It might be some kind of consolation for Jess to have a role within the household to focus on at the moment. Any female friends/relatives who can step in, say, at weekends so you all have companionship and support?

The kids are lucky to have such a switched-on dad. I'm sure you already know about Cruse here. I don't have experience of them, but my closest friend is a Samaritan and she really rates them.

Lots of love and luck to all 3 of you.

Lilyloo · 18/03/2011 19:54

Hi i am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum when i was 24 , my sisters were 21 and 16. My dad managed to get on with things as it is but loosing your mum is very hard. My dad did sell 'the house' as the memories got too much. I think Jess may well always assume a mum role to you , we did. I think the best thing you can do is be open with her especially about her mum and maybe offer to do some activities with her that her mum may have done.
You sound a lovely dad to be thinking ahead and worrying about her.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 19:58

So sorry for your loss.

Lots of hugs; lots of talking about the good times; crying is allowed but so is laughing and just getting on with life; and don't assume because Ryan is off to a new exciting stage of his life he doesn't need lots of support too - he may feel cut adrift and need more reassurance than your daughter.

Rupert47 · 18/03/2011 20:00

Thank you so much for your response's-Yes Pams Sister has been a big help-she's taking Jess out for her Prom dress next week,I'm paying of course! and will treat them both to lunch somewhere nice.I have had councelling from MacMillan and the school have been terrific(most of the staff came to Pams funeralwhich was very moving as they were showing support for the kids and myself).I have to say that the Dad/Daughter thing is very true.We get along really well and I'm trying hard not to be over protective-she has given me a shock and found a BOYFRIEND-aarrhh!-calm down Simon!!!!-I asked her if we needed to have a "talk" and got a look of sheer horror.Where is my love when I need her most?

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Rupert47 · 18/03/2011 20:05

Thanks Lilyloo

I would never move away from this house-everything in it was chosen by Pam-I just put it all in!-thinking about it I find comfort in being surrounded by her things-I know that she is gone but it still feels right that her clothes,handbag,slippers,dressing gown are all where they should be-and the place is spotless just like she liked it-and boy could she get mad when we made a mess!!!

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kaumana · 18/03/2011 20:05

Rupert, I am so sorry for you and your childrens loss. I can't offer any specific advice myself but am sure others will come on shortly to share their experiences.

ps Regarding your concerns of being in the house with all the memories it is very hard at first as it brings back the feeling of loss.. however, there does come a time (not now) when the memories can bring a smile.

IMHO

missmehalia · 18/03/2011 20:07

awww.. he'll be a huge support to her, I'm sure, and it will also open up doorways to another family who will no doubt show her support.

The more of that, the better.

I also like what Georgimama said with regards to Ryan - who knows what the next few months will be like for him either, don't be surprised if he has mixed feelings about what September will bring.

So glad your sister in law's been stepping in, it can take some of the focus off your role and let you have some time for yourself, if you want it.

Dad and daughter is a very special relationship, it's true. Smile

Lilyloo · 18/03/2011 20:08

I think the way you deal with these 'awkward' moments will mean a lot to Jess. I hink you need to take your reaction , gage your wifes and try to find the middle ground.
You have a tough job ahead , my dad never found emotion easy but he has got better over the years. He seemed to want to keep us as the 'girls' we were when my mum died and the growing up we did after was hard.
To be prepared for this is a testament to you.

Lilyloo · 18/03/2011 20:11

Simon 9 years on and my dad still fills his house with Lilys even though he not that keen on them , they were my mums favourite.
You take comfort from where you can and if it keeps you tidy all the better Wink

Kandinsky · 18/03/2011 20:12

I am so sorry. This must be so hard for you all. Have you been put in touch with the Way foundation (widowed and young) as friends of mine found his very useful for themselves. Winstons wish provides support and counselling for bereaved children although I am not sure this is aimed at teenagers.

Rupert47 · 18/03/2011 20:13

Thanks-you are all terrific-it really helps to put my thoughts on here and get feedback from people who are not upset because they know us-its funny how people dont know how to react when they find out that you are a "widower"-how I hate that word!-I think that Ryan will be ok-we have cried together many nights but I have also recently heard him and his sister laughing and winding each other up-its music to hear them being happy no matter how I feel.

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Joelybear · 19/03/2011 01:17

So sorry for your loss.
You are doing great if you can appreciate hearing you son and daughter laughing together. What ever happens you will always miss Pam, but happier times will come for you aswell. Take care xx

Joelybear · 19/03/2011 19:21

Hi Simon, just wondering how you and children are today? Hope its been an OK day for you.

MavisEnderby · 19/03/2011 19:42

Hello,I am so sorry for your loss.

My partner died last year leaving me with 2 dcs (somewhat younger than yours)

I really cannot give advice re teenagers but would just like to say that in my own personal experience (and obviously there is no right or wrong way to go about coping with the loss of your life partner and the childrens mum)that the children have been pretty remarkable and resilient.I guess in some ways I was "lucky" in that my partner had been ill for a good while prior to his death so was in some ways able to prepare the children.Obviously it hasn't always been easy and some days I think it slaps you in the face.I think all you can do is to be THERE for them really,to listen,to laugh and at times to cry.The fact that your daughter has done so well at school speaks volumes tbh and is a credit to her.I was a little worried about my son initially as he seemed to be coping with it all almost "too" well IYKWIM (he even asked for a new daddy one that could play footy with him shortly after dps death!!)this came to a head about a month ago when I found him in absolute floods of tears crying "I want Daddy" from the bottom of his heart and was inconsolable for a good hour.Then he pulled himself together and on he goes,bless him.I try to play it by ear and some days we talk about daddy a lot and other times I can judge when hes not in the mood to talk.I don't think this will be much help to you as my kids are much younger,I'm sorry.

There are organisations such as Winstons Wish,CRUSE and for yourself the WAY foundation.I haven't joined any of these,they are on the backburner in case I need them:o

Sending much sympathy.

It is an awful situation to be in but thank goodness for wonderful children :)

NonnoMum · 19/03/2011 19:46

Sorry for your loss.
You've had some great advice here. Love all the prom stuff going on! Don't forget to treat her to nails/hair/spray tans too!
And don't forget about your DS - he will really appreciate you both popping up to visit him for the odd weekend.
Good luck to all three of you - you sound like a lovely family.

MavisEnderby · 19/03/2011 19:52

Oh also meant to mention the great "Merry widows" website.I have found this to be invaluable for those times when I am having a long dark night of the soul.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 19/03/2011 20:59

Simon..personally have no experience, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry, you sound like a great Dad..

Rupert47 · 20/03/2011 19:22

Hey everyone-thanks for all the good advice and your thoughts-I have to say that we have been overwhelmed by peoples amazing kindness-I decided to go out and have a go at the front garden today(this was definitely Pams domain and I was not allowed to mess with her plants etc)I had been dreading starting this as all her bulbs etc have started to show-as I started weeding,without a word one of our neighbours came along with a Trowel and started helping me,wasn't long before she and I were in tears(again) but then we had a good laugh knowing that Pam would have told us to stop B**Y wailing and get on with it!!-lots of people stopped and said how much they would miss seeing her pottering about.its incredible how losing a loved one has restored my faith in human beings.lots of love to all-Simon.by the way I've posted in the holiday section asking for some advice-the kids have a holiday booked with friends-does anyone have any suggestions where I could go to get away?

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DumSpiroSpero · 23/03/2011 23:46

I'm sure you know this anyway, but don't forget to tell/show your DD how much you love her.

My best friend lost her mum to cancer in '87. She got married last year and when we were getting ready she told me that she wanted 5 minutes alone with her dad before the ceremony to give him a hug as they had never shared one before.

I know her dad to be a lovely man who I've no doubt adores and is immensely proud of her, but very shy and unable to demonstrate it. I still thought it was v. sad.

DumSpiroSpero · 23/03/2011 23:48

BTW, it is really touching that you write about Pam with such affection & respect. I'm sure that will be a huge help to both your children too.

Wishing you all the best.

Gonzo33 · 24/03/2011 05:07

I cannot add anything to this, but I could not read and run. I think you are an amazing man and want to wish you and your children all the best.

Rupert47 · 24/03/2011 19:49

Thanks everyone-I've joined the WAY foundation for widows and widowers and have been asked to go out for a walk with the group on Sunday-I had no idea how many people were in the same situation as myself and although my heart aches for those that have lost a loved one at least we can get together and support each other-its a very lonely place when you lose the love of your life-everyone has a partner/wife/husband etc to talk to-we have no-one at all.lots of love-Simon x-by the way I'm on facebook-Simon Pepper in Nottingham-take care all.

OP posts:
googoomama · 26/03/2011 21:52

Simon - I felt moved to write something and say that I'm so sorry you have lost your wife and that you and your children are going through this. You sound like a very strong and loving unit and you also sound like a very caring, loving and gentle father. I have not suffered a bereavement but I do know what it's like to be on your own and having a support network of people who understand your situation without you having to explain how you feel because they are feeling it too is priceless, so I hope that you enjoy your walk on Sunday and feel as if you are "with friends". And I think that Pam would really appreciate you tending the garden. When her bulbs and perennials start flowering it will be a symbol of her love for you all.

HanBanan · 29/03/2011 20:46

I was watching the vanessa show of all things today and a guy was on there with his son and they had set up the only charity for widowed fathers with children www.jennifercharity.co.uk

thought of you and your post and thought you'd might want to take a look at it....hoep it helps

take care

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