What to tell a 4.5 year old

[tetleytea]

I've just seen that there's another thread about this for a 2 year-old. So sadly, here's another one for slightly older kids.

My partner and i are probably going to separate, but at the moment he just wants to tell her something to explain why we're doing everything separately ( we've had 2 months of high tension, sleeping separately, weekends with us doing separate things with her)

My partner insists we should say something to her now. I'm terrified of worrying her, and also worried that he is going to slip something nasty in against me)it's me who wants to separate)Our dd is a sensitive child.

So far the plan is to say something along the lines of: mummy and daddy are cross with each other, which is why we're not going on day trips together with you. We both love you very much and we're not cross with you.

Any thoughts? Is that the right idea? Never thought i'd be in this situation...

all she is going to hear is the word "cross". so she will think you cross. with her.

try just

we both love you
we want to each spend time with you

if she says "why dont you come together" then say
we cant come together today

if she has noticed you being cross s she might say is that because you cross with daddy?

then you can say yes it is. but i am not cross with you

let ehr take teh elaad

give ehr the facts

you going with jsut mummy / you with jsut daddy today

then answer her questions honestly

let her take the lead

Sorry for long post

Wanted to add: my partner is very bitter and while i'm desperate not to scare/worry my daughter i suspect he is not feeling so cautious because he wants to get back at me.

A month ago he wanted us to talk to her, and when i asked him, "what do you want to tell her?" i was horrified that he "intended" to tell her some of the "horrible things" i'd done to daddy - clearly this is a threat to me, i don't really think he would do it.

I'm keen to stress how things are "at the m,oment" to our dd, because i don't think a 4.5 year old, esp. ours, can get to grips with what's temporary/permanaent, so would prefer to err on the side of reassuring her, rather than being deadly honest.....

Thanks, but this has been going on for 2 months now, so i feel that using the words "today" is fobbing her off. She has surely picked up on the tension and the lack of time spent together as the 3 of us

I would not under any circumatances say 'cross'

I would just tell her that mummy and daddy will be living in different houses from now on.

and just leave it at that. Short, simple and to the point. If and when she asks questions, answer them then. be led by her.

My dd was 3. She understood that. The only time she has ever got upset is when she thinks we are arguing ( which, thankfully doesnt really happen anymore)
It upset her to think her mummy and her daddy were not friends.

what is she asking?
what does she say?
does she tell you what does she think?
what have you asked her?

get some dolls representing mummy daddy her and see how she role plays it

ask her to draw a picture of her family

i think while you still living in same house just answer her questions as they come

very confusing if you together but telling her you are not. wiat til one of you leaves physically then explain why

if she has accepted being with either of you as ok then that's fine.

if she asks questions answer them

if she isnt talking then try to get her to open up by sitting and playing with some dolls etc

Might be worth getting him to read some of the literature there is on what divorce does to kids. I can't remember what the titles were but there is some decent stuff around if you google. I think we got a list from school. There is a lot of focus on reducing the acrimony as the bitterness of a break-up with one parent blaming the other is what is most likely to cause the most emotional damage and not the actual divorce. I agree she will not be unaware of the tension and the changes.

ps how can you be sure your P wont ever tell her "it is all mummy's fault"?

answer - you cannot.
he sounds nasty from the little you say...

why cannot one of you move out now?

so you need to find ways to get dd to open up to you and talk so that when you do split she is able to tell you what is worrying her

maybe buy this book for ideas

Putting Children First: A Handbook for Separated Parents [Paperback]
Karen Woodall

Karen Woodall (Author)

www.amazon.co.uk/Putting-Children-First-Handbook-Separated/dp/0749928042

tell P you want to make it as smooth as possible
ask him if he would be prepared to attend Relate and/or specialsit separated parents parenting apart courses with you to talk about how best to separate

Thanks so much.

Problem is, we're in a horrible situation. We live abroad. If we actually do separate I will probably return to live in uk with dd. It's really horrible becuase i don't know how much dd and her dad will see each other. I feel absolutely terrible about this, but can see no alternative because i cannot support myself financially here, i earn very little and no possibility of increasing my income. This goes a long way to explaining my partner's bittermess, obviously - he has everything to lose.

We don't know what to say to her at the moment becuase the future is too ghastly.

are you both ex pats?

lots of people live in uk and see parent who works abroad less frequently eg oil workers, forces etc.

if the current situaiton is ghastly then you have to look to a future which is positive for all. if he cant stand you then it cant be good for him either....

can he come back to uk too? transfer job?
does he earn enough to pay regular flights back?

No, partner foreign, we've been living in his european country for a long time. If we could have moved back to uk we would have, but he would never be able to find a decent job there, and doesn't really want to anyway. If i leave he will break off all contact with daughter he says. It's probably just a threat, but he is very very very bitter, understandably.

well it is not understandable to say "if you go i will break off all contact with DD"

y exP has done that number too and it surely counts as emotional blackmail."well then i will never see them again" etc

understandable approach might be

"if you leave i insist you bring her back here every two weeks for long weekend so i can see her" - now that would be something to work on...

if he prepared to give her up like that then what you waiting for? just go... he clearly does not care for her at all... if he so easily would give her up to you