How to tell a two-year-old you're separating?

[CotesduRhone]

Hi there, first post so hello and I'm so sorry if I've put this in the wrong place! I'm looking for some advice for my brother. He and his wife are separating (niece will be 3 in August). Things are up and down; sometimes amicable, sometimes very upsetting for both.

He's living with a friend for the past two weeks until they can move forward with their plans for divorce (it's definitely happening, not reconcilable). In the long run the plan is for 50-50 access. But they disagree on what their daughter should currently be told. She's very bright, and keeps asking when he's going to come home. At the moment it's fine because she's used to him being away on business.

But his wife has started saying "Daddy doesn't live here any more" to her, whereas my brother is more inclined to believe that "Daddy will see you soon" etc. will work at least until a new routine is established.

I'm quite confused what to advise him (no children myself). On the one hand, I can see his point. On the other I can see hers, even if I can also see that she's mainly doing it to hurt him. Essentially I guess I think if my niece is old enough to ask, she's old enough to get some kind of age-appropriate answer. But now? Or in a few weeks, or...?

It's all very confusing. Can anyone advise on experiences, or best way to do this? It's all so upsetting.

I think it is important to be clear. You don't want the child to think that daddy is coming back to live there.

She will quickly get used to it and it won't be a problem. fobbing her off will be.

"Daddy loves you very much but he is going to be living in a different house now."

Small children are very accepting of things. If they don't make it a huge problem then the daughter is more likely to accept the situation more easily.

what matters most is that your brother remains a huge part of her life and contributes emotionally and financially all the way.

Thanks Hecate - that was my instinct too, that the clearer the better. Yep, there's no question about that, he'll be there emotionally and financially, and he misses her tremendously.

I am worried it'll go 'wrong' either way, if you know what I mean. On the one hand I am (everyone is, obviously) clearly worried about my niece being upset. On the other, I keep feeling like if she doesn't get a full answer, even though she's only very little, she could end up somehow thinking this is 'her fault', poor mite.

I agree with Hecate. Honesty is the best policy.

I split with my dd's Dad when she was almost the same age, and was honest with her. "Daddy isn't living here anymore but you'll still see him lots and we both love you very very much".

You know what, I don't think I ever had the conversation with my then 2yo when I moved out. It was a kind of this is our new house, daddy is staying in our old house. She never questioned it.

But then we had shared custody, still do, and she was at the old house just as much as the new one.

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it!

Just been in exactly the same situation; DD is 2 (3 in July) and husband and I separated 2 months ago. I have told DD that daddy lives in another house now but he loves you very much and you will see him on xxx day. She's been pretty accepting of this so far although it is 2 steps forward and one back as when he sees her (every other weekend and twice during the week) she gets confused again, not surprising really, but I suspect (hope) that she'll get used to the set up.

My DD was just 3 when this happened

Always be honest but only reveal what they need to know and make it positive-sounding

Tell her 'daddy lives at his house and we live here'.
If 50 50 access is agreed and amicable then. 'Daddy is getting you a bedroom so you'll have two bedrooms, one here and one with daddy. aren't you lucky?'
He really can't tell the ex what she should be saying to her child. But it sounds like she is being honest and straightforward with her and so should your brother be.

That sort of simple straightforward stuff is the way to go and your brother will be surprised how much she will benefit from clarity. Why not treat her with respect and be honest? What's the point in saying he's away and might be coming back. I think that's just teasing and making him feel less guilty. Not that he should feel guilty.

My daughter asks me anything she likes and she always gets a straight answer. And she's never been confused about the state of affairs, and I have always prepared her for any changes in our/her/her father's cirumstances that might affect her. She has therefore taken it all in her stride.

Had to have the conversation at 3 and half years in my case - we were very straight and honest, not harsh, just matter of fact. It may be different for different children's personalities, but it worked for us. At that age, I think, changes in life circumstances, as long as they're handled positively and as if they're nothing 'out of the normal' (and yes, to all of you who are still together, OK, you may not define it as 'normal') then it's an OK transition. I still worry, many years later, just how it must feel to a child to wake up and do a quick check mentally as to which house they're in (we share 50/50) but actually, I think it's probably just me putting my own fears onto the situation, as it's been normal for so long, that it doesn't seem to bother her. Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from putting our own worries onto the children about what they may feel.