Those who have gone to court over access...

[Mobly]

what has the outcome been please?

I think it's inevitable that my ex and I will end up in court over access so I just wanted to hear your experiences.

If the court sets up an access routine do they expect both parties to stick to it (any exceptioanl circumstances?) and how do they enforce it?

My ex is very unreliable.

well,first of all he will need to be reliable enough to turn up for all the court dates and solicitor meetings,as well as the other hoops he will need to jump through!

Mummypumkin, I was hoping that the court would penalise him financially for not sticking to access.

I'm sorry the outcome for you was not good.

I don't want ex seeing children as and when he feels like it. I want a routine that we both stick to.

I want handovers done by a third party so I can just get on with my life without having anything to do with ex as much as possible.

IloveTiffany, I should say, ex is only unreliable where access is concerned. I know he never misses a day of work.

He uses access to try and piss me off.

he wont be in any wat penaalised for not turning up for acceess.....certainly never financially

if he consistantly fails,you could take it back to court....butt keep a diary of events

who can you identify as being suitable to do the third party handovers??

My sister has agreed to do it. She only lives down the road.

Will the court suggest a structured routine?

they usually will do....have a think before hand what will suit and if he agrees,you can meet with cafcass before you go in to meet the judge. then he can arrange it there and then.....if your ex agrees with the third party handovers and the contact suggested

will he have overnights?
work patterns?
school hols?
xmas/birthday/fathers day/mothers day

lots to consider

Thank you Mummypumpkin. It doesn't seem very fair. It's alomst like it's making an assumption that the resident parent is trying to obstruct contact. I'm not. I just want us to agree to something and then stick to it.

Same as others on here.
Been to court twice, both times XP given the contact he wants.

Both court orders repeatedly breached by XP. He doesn't bother for weeks, then turns up on contact day, bold as brass, and I'm seen to be the 'hostile' parent if I refuse to handover DD.

Second time we went to court, no one even mentioned his repeated breaches of contact order, not the sol, not the judge, no one.
Never made to be accountable for not sticking to it.
He can opt out whenever he likes.

i had shared resident with exDp until recently and at one point he implied that he would go to work abroad for a few weeks and I'd have to have the children, pay for childcare etc on the days that were 'his' according to the court order. i told him that he was legally responsible for the children on 'his' days, that if he wanted to go abroad he'd have to find someone to take care of them, that I was prepared to do this but he would have to pay the childcare costs for the days that I work that the children were normally with him. He was taken aback by this- he had also had the idea I think that he was free to dip in and out whenever he felt like it. He did go abroad, with my agreement, and he did pay the childcare costs for his days (he paid no other money for them). You could perhaps try specifying in the court order how many weeks notice is to be given for any requests to vary the days you have the children; it might help. If I was you, if he starts to not show up etc, I'd do the same thing to him when he;s got the children and see how he takes to it. If the court won't stop him from seeing the children when he buggers you about, then they won't stop you either. Might be more effective than begging the court to help you.

Portaloo and Fridascruffs- thank you for telling me of your experiences. It doesn't look good.

I don't think I'm ever going to get the outcome I want here am I?

I have bent over backwards to accomodate XP's needs when it comes to access (also ensuring it was fair on our boys too) but if anything comes up which makes it even slightly inconvenient for XP to have boys then he quite simply won't have them.

The boys are young now but I don't want them hurt by this when they're old enough to understand.

XP is supposed to see boys Tues, Fri and Sun. Last fri, he had to drop his car somewhere so he didn't have them. Sun he took his brother to football so he didn't have them at all. This is despite the fact that I was really unwell and could have done with the break. Last night, he said he had a meeting at work.

Last night was the last straw really, we both have parental responsibility but in reality I'm the only one who is responsible for them.

I can never do a course or get a part time job while XP views his role in their lives as optional can I? XP will always put his needs first.

So depressing.

you can sign on a course on "your" day adn organize child care.
you can get a part time job while they at school and/or orgnize your child care.

i know what you mean tho - but the only wya is to find away round that does not involve ex

if he isnt making the 3 days a week tell him you propose to cut it to one day which you and DC expect him to make.

keep a record of when he not making contactt.

keep a record of teh agreement you ahve - was it eamil etc saying tues fri sun and keep a record o fhim saying "sorri i not coming for this excuse". do ti all by email so you have a record.

then when/if it goes to court you can show he been unreliable and this not good for dc.

My XP hasn't seen DD for more than 4 weeks now, and I'm not hopeful DD will be spending any time with him soon.
First excuse was that he was ill, so couldn't have DD.
Second excuse was he didn't feel well at all, so couldn't have DD.
This is all rubbish though. He has been well enough to go to work, and see his friends. He is rarely ill. I have now discovered he has been to a dr complaining of feeling suicidal.

OTOH, When I am unwell, he refuses to look after DD. I have collapsed, and still don't know why, explain this to XP, and ask him to have DD, he always says No, he pays no maintenance, and if I ask him for any help financially, he replies 'If you can't cope with looking after DD on the money you get for her, then give her to me fulltime and I will look after her.' AS IF!!!
His other favourite reply is 'The govt give you money for DD, why would I give you money too??'

He comes across as cool and calm in court, and gets away scot free with whatever breaches of court order he feels like.

I don't really understand the difference between a court directed contact order and a mutual agreement in my situation.
XP sees DD whenever he feels like it, although he just loves to exercise his PR (He thinks it stands for Parental rights ha ha ha ha and treats it as such.)
Breaches of court order carry no consequences whatsoever for XP. Everyone I have spoken to about it just says 'You can't make him see her if he doesn't want to.)
No sanctions, no consequences, no obligation from him. What was the point?

Cestlavielife, I know exactly what you mean about not relying on him, and I never have- I couldn't! I literally haven't been out without the boys in ages- I have accepted this to be honest. I am lucky in that my friends often come to my house of an evening which is really nice.

My boys are only 3 and 1 so not school age just yet and our family circumstances are such that no-one is free to babysit- certainly not on a regular basis anyway.

I would have to pay a babysitter, which is a joke when they have a father who is perfectly able, just not willing, to have them.

Portaloo, from your experiences, I amwondering what the point of a court order is at all! It should be enforced, with financial penalties, IMO.

The most annoying thing is, XP likes to tell everyone I am stopping him seeing the children.

oh v young - can see the issues. but childminders etc and later nursery /school/after school club - think longer term...

there can be financial penalties.

www.osbornes.net/news/2010/february/Children_Act_Orders.html

but tbh this is usually when parent is saying "the person is not making the child available for contact "

if you making children available and he not tkaing it up then what would it achieve? if he doesnt want to see his dc?

but keep a record because if he does turn around adn say "she is not letting me see them" thenyou have proof

Oh right. So the penalties are more aimed at resident parents who are blocking access?

I don't want to block access but why should I make the children avaialable when he consistently lets us down? That's allowing him to dictate our lifestlye too.

If anyone else can add their experiences of court and child access I would be very grateful.

My experinance of court is most of the people working in the legal profession, including the judiciary, have knowlege of the archaic processes, customs and practices. However, it is my opinion that very few if anyone has any real level of competence. Basically for most it's an closed shop gravey train, where people with little or no competence can earn good money and the respect of society that they do an important job.

Oh dear Whiteandnerdy- I know your experiences haven't been ideal for you and your children- I've read a few of your posts on here.

I was just hoping I could get a positive story from someone on here that court has encouraged the NRP to adhere to access arrangments.

Else, what's the point?

Unfortunately, that is the state of the family courts at the moment and not much can be done about it. Resident parents can be forced to make a child available for contact but non resident parents cannot be forced to go through with it.

Contact orders are more so there for non resident parents who are trying to see their children

and if a NRP cannot be bothered what is the point anyway?

but yes - if you plan your week or weekend around making your dc available for contact then it is v annoying when that contact does not hapen.

exP did this ntiaitlly - i recroded all this and judge said "maybe less is more" and agreed to cut contact down (he was having two evenings a week which eh wasnt making) .

so fi you keep good records and espec get him to text/email teh last minute changes - then you ahve good case for cutting contact down to minimum so Dc see him but not so much it disrupts your life when he doesnt make it....

My XP is constantly asking when he can see the boys, and even though I keep saying 'stick to access' he doesn't. It doesn't stop him harassing me though. He is weird.

He doesn't understand that access isn't supposed to be optional for the NRP.

I think if we go to court and get things agreed formally he just might stick to it. This would be so much better for the boys.

I realise I am thinking optimistically here and in reality he will probably continue to mess us around.

Mobly Perhaps he doesn't understand access isn't supposed to be optional, because in his world, access is indeed optional.