Background - I have a 9 year old DS. Split up with his father 2 years ago. I now live with my DS, and my current DF. Arrangements for access have never been set in stone, due to both working shifts (I work in the NHS and him in retail). He used to help an awful lot with before/after school. Now he sees him one night a week, sometimes not at all, sometimes two nights. Really really varies.
In the last week or so a few issues have reared their ugly heads, and I am finding it harder and harder to deal with them.
The first issue is indeed one of contact. This week I will be working 3 night shifts, thurs/fri/sat. This means for my DS, he will be staying at my mums for the duration of the nights (ex used to look after him when I was in work - but now chooses not to). So I will drop him at school thurs morning, and not see him til sunday tea time. I text his dad yesterday asking what the arrangements for this week are, and told him my shifts. His reply was - 'I'm having him wednesday night'. I pointed out to him again that I was working 3 nights, and it would be very helpful if he could have him one of those nights, but would rather not weds due to 4 nights out of his own bed/disruption/not seeing him etc etc. Lets just say it ended in an argument via text. Is it unreasonable to ask him to have him a different night of the week? His work shifts mean that he works 2 evenings a week, so obviously can't have him those nights. But there are 5 other nights/days in the week where he could. I wish we could have a set day/night, but that would never work for ex dp mostly. And I don't think I'd like it either.
Second issue is parenting styles. I don't for one minute think my ex is a bad parent, or a bad person for that matter. But in my opinion - he has no common sense, and comes from a totally different background to me.
My DS got a mobile for his birthday last week - my intention was purely for him to be in contact with his dad and me when he isn't with us. His dad has given his number to various members of his family. My DS was texting away last night, and when I asked who to, he said his cousin (9). I checked the phone before he went to bed, and found that his cousin had text him 'shut up smelly arse'. My son had text him back 'No, you're the smelly fat ass'. I was really shocked and disappointed. I've never heard my son say something like that, obviously I know he knows the words, but I thought he knew better than to repeat them. When questioned, my son said his dad said he can say ass and crap, because they are 'ok'. Obviously I asked his dad was this true, and he said yes, there isn't anything wrong in him saying them. I asked him not to encourage that kind of behaviour, and not to treat him like a mini adult, he's just a child, he will grow up fast enough without encouraging bad behaviour. His response was 'no, I'm treating him with respect'.
I don't like his style of parenting one bit. I hate the way he treats DS, I don't feel like he is well cared for when he is with him. I know he is loved, and his basic needs are met... but little things like not giving him time to shower/bathe, not brushing his hair (its quite long for a boy). Putting him in clothes that are too small, or dirty, or creased up. Not major things, but all of which just make me upset that the extra things aren't being met.
All I want is the best for my son, and he seems to regard bringing him up to be polite and respectful as some kind of stupid idea.
I know its long, but I would appreciate advice, and being able to talk it through. I know I can be unreasonable sometimes, I do have high expectations, but I'm struggling to feel like my son is my son these days if you know what I mean. Doesn't help when your son tells you he wants to go and live with his dad.... arghhhhh. Always the bad parent it seems. His Dad just gets all the good bits of being a parent!!!!