I dont know if i can cope any more...

[paulwellerfan]

Hi- i have posted a few times here recently- long story and i dont want to bore you all with it again- but the gist of it is that i have decided to end my marriage- i have been very unhappy for along time and he has been emotionally and verbally abusive over the years- it is very complex and he has lots of issues- bad anger problems, porn addiction, personality disorder.
He is leaving in the next few weeks but until he does life is unbearable- he is angry with me all the time and the atmosphere in the home is awful- the poor kids must wonder what is going on as a month ago we told them that mummy and daddy didnt want to split and would do out best to make things better. He cannot make things better- he wont get hlep for his problems and i cant stand the sight of him- he has hurt me so much over the years.
The worse thing for me at the moment is that i really am trying my best to keep things together for the kids- but i am struggling- and he keeps dictating when we can talk about things- ie access, maintenance etc- he keeps telling his friends things about me (that arent true) and then tells me that his friends think that i am mad- he is telling me that i am mentally ill ( can i just say that i must be mad having put up with him all these years- but that is as far as any mental illness goes!).

He is sleeping in ds room at the moment(ds,7 is currently sleeping with me) and i walked in this evening- to speak to him- he screamed at me to get out- leave him alone and when i said that i have a right to be in my sons room he jumped up, grabbed me and pushed me- he had his really out of control, angry expression and it was scary- he has never hit me before but i thought he was going to tonight.
He is so horrible- so callous, so unkind, so vicious with his words and everything that i say to him he twists to make it look as if it is my fault. This is stressing me so much i feel like a nervous wreck- what the kids must be thinking really conerns me and as much as i have been dreading telling i just want to get it all over and done with now- i wish i could tell them that i have no choice but to make this decision- i am scared he will tell them things about me that are not true and they will worry and be confused- i am not dealing with a rational, reasonable man- i am dealing with a very angry, emotionally inadequate man who always thinks he is right and never admits to his problems- (although on one level he knows he ahd major problems.) He tries to project all of his shit back onto me and as much as i try to ignore it, i feel so angry with him and he has hurt me so much i am not doing a very good job of keeping calm.

I was wondering if anyone has got any advice- on how to cope with all of this- i have no family here and so nowhere else that i could go- how do i cope with what could be another few weeks of him still being here.

Also any advie on how to deal with the kids in this situation- should i tell them why things are so bad- why i am so unhappy- i am trying to cover things up but my kids are so tuned into me and they can see how their dad is being- nothing gets past them.

I need sone strength from somewhere- just feel like curling up in a ball and disappearing.

pushing is assault.

call womens aid for advice. now.

tell him he has been violent, you are scared, he has to go. today.

stop covering for him. they can see/feel/hear what is going on.
#tell thekids the truth - you have to separate because daddy gets angry. and it will be better when you live separately.

Thanks hariboegg- as much as i know what he is saying is being said just to hurt me, sometimes i start to think there is something in it- i have put up with so much over the years- i have tried to make a good life for me and the kids- i have taken them to Church so they can get to meet some nice, kind, gentle people and i have made friends with local mums so that me and the kids atleast have some life that is positive and happy. I try my best for the kids everyday- and always put them first in everything so it hurts so much when he tells me that i am so bad and mentally ill- surely if i was ill i wouldnt be able to function in the way that i do.
He knows that i am struggling and he is using that- he has always kicked (not physically) me when i am down- like if i have been poorly or if i am stressed- it is like if i am at weak point, it makes him feel stronger.
The reason he is still here- is that he has found somewhere to move to put it is not ready- i have asked him to go anyway- stay with a friend or in a hotel- but he wont do that. He is prepared to put me and the kids through this dreadful tension for his convenience.
I have seen a solicitor- a couple of months ago- his advice was to try to sort as much of the practical stuff out amicably- to keep it out of the courts as much as possible- as i wont be entitled to legal aid. But everytime we try to talk about thinks he gets angry at me, he wont let me express how i am feeling or he flatly refuses to talk about anything.
My kids are 7 and 9 and are adorable- i love them so much it hurts to think that their homelife is so horrible and he doesnt have enough control to keep things calm for their sakes- but, at the same time, as much as i want him to go- i am so worried about how they will react- and how they will cope with their new life and the disruption that it will bring.

For the time being, to protect yourself, it's a case of gritting your teeth and saying to yourself "this shall pass" and keep repeating it when he's lashing out at you verbally.

Also, I agree with contacting Women's Aid....

my ex also refused to leave - so in the end i had to flee with the DC.

but if you are sure he will leave then and is matter of time then yes grit your teeth - however, you have right to dial 999 and call police and report him for assualt if he tries anything again.

dont worry about the children - their life cannto eb nice at pleasant with all this going on.
i am sure tehy will eb releived he is gone.
is then up to him to rebuild relationship with them.

if you concerned then you coudl ask for sueprvised contact with family friend intiially

Thanks Cestlavielife- he has never laid a finger on me- but has been emotionally abusive to me and the children for many years- he would never admit to this and always thinks that i over react and that i am over sensitive- but last night i saw a different side to him- he has been saying strange things to me over the past week- which sound quite paranoid to me and yesterday he told me that i had won, and that he had taken the cottage and would be moving out soon- WON? I dont feel as if i have won, for goodness sake..... I have lived with his behaviour for years and years and finally i have had the courage to do something about it- i certainly dont feel as if i have won- and others things he is saying to me- like mind games... quite disturbing really.
Regarding telling the children- part of me wants to explain how things have been- the bits that they havent seen, to help them understand why daddy cant live with us anymore- but, every bit of advice i read seems to be saying that i shouldnt be critical of the other parent- what do people think? How much should i tell them?

Lemonylemon- thanks for your advice- i have wanted to not bite back and keep quiet- and i generally do, expecially when the children are around- but sometimes he says things to me that he knows will wind me up and i get cross or upset and then he makes it out that i am the baddy- he tells me that i am hysterical or gooing mad- what i need is to not react at all so that he cannot have ammunition against me- it is hard though isnt it?

I have contacted Womens Aid- last week they said they would offer me some telephone support and i am currenting waiting for the call.