Help?! Does anybody have any experience of court....?

[LittleBeth53]

Hi everybody.

I have a 5 month old DS who's dad took himself out of the picture when DS was 3 months old. He's not on the birth cert & we weren't married at conception or birth.

He's never really paid much interest to my son. He left when I was 2 months pregnant, came back when I was 6 months. Then left us to be with an ex when DS was 12 weeks old. He made some half arsed visits for a while when DS was newborn & has never paid child support. His ex gf, now his gf again has sent me emails & vile msgs calling me every name under the sun, saying I shouldnt have had DS & that if in future I want to avoid situations like these then I should "keep my legs closed."

Before xmas he started demanding to take DS on his own, which I disagreed with as I felt it was way too soon to take a newborn from his mother. He saw his arse & disappered, we havent seen him in 8 or so weeks now.

I've had no problem with him seeing DS, I was just uncomfortable with him taking DS on his own right away & wanted him to get to know my son first, his routines, his patterns & for DS to get to know him so he wouldnt be frightened or distressed being away from me, the people he's surrounded by daily, his world basically.

However, after 8 weeks he's suddenly throwing courts at me & "you'll be hearing from my solicitor," because I won't just blindly hand my son over to him after he's made himself a perfect stranger.

He frightens me. He's never been abusive in a physical or verbal way, but he's incredibly cunning & manipulative. He has severe sociopathic tendencies & he's shockingly clever, persuasive & deceitful. I'm afraid of him being around my baby boy.

I've done research & spoke to a couple of solicitors & I've been told that the general gist is that I neednt worry too much as he doesnt really have any rights, what with not being married or registered on the birth cert. I was told that in the eyes of the law he's not considered a parent, just a biological other half & he has no legal right to demand to take DS.

But I'm just wondering what to expect really if it does go all the way & whether anybody has any first hand experience of this sort of thing or of courts or what might happen?

Advice would be appreciated.

Thanks. x x x

I'd bet my bottom dollar that they are all empty threats and he won't bother trying to gain access. My XP threatened me with all sorts of nonsense but didn't even bother to attend the contact centre.

I think that the fact your XP isn't on the birth certificate means he is at a disadvantage.

Maybe speak to your local Womens Aid and get the details of your citizens advice bureau in case you need help from them.

have you tried to get child miantenance off him? if you ahve then you acknowledging he is the father.

he or you could ask for paternity test.

if he is the father, then he may well have right to ask for contact - but if he goes to ourt will be slow process and you could ask for supervised contact and/or very short visit initially to build up contact time.

keep the emails and msgs and report to police as harasssment.

Thanks. I've never asked him for anything, not money, support or maintenance. We discussed it very early on after DS was born & he kept saying over & over that he was going to support his child, he had every intention too.

But so far he hasnt & he's very controlling. He wouldn't pay maintenance as he couldn't see where his money would be going. He kept saying that he won't pay anything to me, but when he has his son on his own, those will be the times when he buys things for him, those will be the times when he supports him. I tried explaining that it doesn't work like that but it fell on deaf ears.

I've never asked him for anything since. His depth of control & manipulation worried me too much for him to have anything over me.

The fact he pays no maintenance will go against him if he does go to court. He can't even support his ds financially, why should he be given PR (parental responsibility) if he won't even fulfill this basic need to your ds.

If he does go to court he will be in for a rude awakening. He can't just demand what he wants and expect to get it. He will need to show his commitment to being a father and build up a relationship with his child.

Given he wants to take your baby away from his primary carer at this age, for visits of what length..? when he has no previous experience of looking after your baby (or any baby?) I think that points to how little he actually knows of being a parent.

With a young child little and often is recommended.

If he takes it to court you simply need to say you need him to demonstrate his commitment to his child. To do so he should be willing to go on a parenting course, he should be willing to have contact at a contact centre or supervised by your extended family. He should demonstrate his commitment to his child by supporting him financially (as per the CSA guidlelines at the very least) and without fuss or quibble as to what the money is going on (again lack of understanding on his part as to what it costs to provide for a baby - nappies, cot, pushchair, furniture fore nursery room etc...)

Don't stop him seeing ds (you need to show that you are being reasonable at all times and court will see that if you suggest ways of him having contact). eg offer for him to come to your place with your mum there a couple of times a week for an hour to see his ds and then you either stay out of the way or go out. If you can't have him at your place then find out about contact centres near you and give him the details.

Try not to worry. He is hoping to bully you into giving in. Call his bluff and say that he needs to be reasonable and think of ds's welfare above his own selfish wants and any court in the land will tell him the same.

Costs for a baby just don't work like that - increased heating bills is a big "non-visible" expense for a start. Especially after a winter like the one we've just had. If he's not provided the cot, pram, nappies etc so far he's shown you clearly he just doesn't want to put his hand in his pocket - the court will think the same.

For the rest Gillybean is right! He'll be asked what provision he's made to make his home safe for the baby (socket covers etc - more expense he hasn't considered), how he'd cope in a medical emergency, what experience he has of looking after a young baby, whether he attended ante natal classes with you to learn etc. He'll also be asked why he didn't help register the birth. Basically his track record to date isn't helping his case right now.

Court will be a wake up call for him. Please don't fret.

So up until 2 months ago you were a couple? If I've understood correctly you were together when your DS was born? Why didn't he come and register the birth with you? He can acquire parental responsibility now.
Unfortunately whether he pays maintenance or not has nothing to do with contact.

Sounds to me like he's all talk and no action. Best thing you can do is ignore him and raise your son completely on your own. You've done the right thing in not naming him on the BC, therefore he doesn't have a legal Parental Responsibility - so he can't tell you what to do.

If you want maintenance then contact the CSA and get them to get it from him for you. He'll probably cause all sorts of probelms but that's the best way for you to get some money from him.

And if he gets nasty, then keep the email/text evidence and get a restraining order against him.

Be strong and don't let this idiot manipulate you.