Does it ever get easier? (re Contact with ex)

[mypandasgotcrabs]

Thought this would be a better place to post rather than relationships.

I've been split up from xp for 3 1/2 years. I ended it. I was with him for 10 years from the age of 17, I have 2 ds's with him. The relationship was horrible, he was very controlling, got us into a lot of debt through his drug taking & drinking. He was violent when I ended it. He is a very threatening and intimidating person and he makes my skin crawl.

The boys go to his every other weekend and I find it very hard to even look at him. The times I do I'm just disgusted at the sight of him. Any time anything needs addressing I spend the entire time building up to talking to him getting very worked up over it. I hate how he makes it confrontational. Just the simple handing over of the children causes me a lot of upset. I get very snappy, can't concentrate on anything and on the Sunday spend the hour or so before they are due back pacing the house.

I feel in so many ways that he is still controlling my life (and in doing so my DPs as well). It affects our weekends (cutting things short as we can't do anything on a Sunday). Holidays as a family have to be either less than a week or go from midweek to midweek (most places only do Sat-Sat meaning we have to pay for a week and only use 5 days). Plus, because of hte debt which was joint accounts & credit cards I had to declare myself bankrupt. He did nothing about the debt and has got off scot free. However, my credit file is screwed for the next 4 1/2 years meaning I can't get any credit, DP and I can't get a joint account, we can't buy a house together. If we move, only DPs name can go on the tenancy agreement.

These are all examples of how I feel he is still having a major impact on my life. I feel as though I'll never be free. Even when the boys are old enough to get themselves to his it feels like it won't be over. ANd then I think about when the boys have big birthdays, if they have a party then he'll be there, when they have children he'll be there and when they get married, he's still going to be there, haunting me.

I've hd counselling, but only get 6 weeks on the nhs. I had to stop, go to GP and be re-referred to the practice counsellor. I'm currently waiting to see her again. I felt alot better while I was seeing her but I can't spend the next 20 years going to see a counsellor.

Does it get easier with time? Or is it always going to be difficult?

Hello.
I feel for you. I can't tell you whether it will get better or not though. Presumably it will get easier when the DCs get a bit older and you have to have less contact.
On a practical level, would it not be possible for you to agree that for holidays you both have a couple of weeks a year each? It wouldn't be unreasonable to expect that you can take family holidays. It can be very difficult when your XP is a controlling personality, because you can't change that, and you will have to live with it for as long as you have to have contact about the DCs. The only thing you can do is change how you let it affect you, and i can imagine that counselling would really have helped with that. It would be great if you could get more - it doesn't have to be forever, but enough to give you the tools to learn how to deal with it yourself.
I know i'm not being much help here - my situation is not the same, in that i don't have quite as dire a financial situation, and there was no violence, but my XP is very controlling and sometimes I despair of the fact that he will have to be in my life for as long as i can see into the future. We have been separated 2 years, and it seems to only get worse, not better. I too worry about when DS gets married (he's only 4!) etc., and about how i'll never be free of XP. It can feel as though it infects every area of your life, i know.
I hope it will get easier, for both of us (and our kids).
Good luck x

I agree on the holidays issue you are perfectly entitled to take your children on holiday for a week or two at a time and make the offer to ex of another weekend to make up for the missed one.

I think it has to come from you inside and accepting that ex is the way he is, and you need to try to rise above it. That is what I am trying to do anyway, I hate my ex after he left 3 years ago but I try so hard to not let it affect my life, sometimes it does but other times I just laugh about him and that makes me feel better anyway!

Hi.
Your experience mirrors mine.

I have been separated from my xp for 4 1/2 years and I still can't look at him. I know totally what you mean about feeling disgusted.

I don't communicate with my xp as he is also a very controlling person and all communication about my DD is done by email or text.

I am resigned to the fact that this is how it will be for the next 10 years

mypanda have you contacted womens aid for advise or counselling or just to talk things thru with a support worker? It sounds like he is being just as controlling now years later as he was at the time and that is not acceptable.
Give them a ring and see what they say.

humptydidit, I've never thought of that, I will try to call them sometime during the week. Yes he is trying to be as controlling now as he always has been and I try not to let it be that way, but it's hard to stop a behaviour that has been forced into you over a period of time.

I offer at each holiday for him to have them longer and he never takes me up on it (I'm glad about that tbh), so a deal in that respect wouldn't work. PLus the one occasion a couple of years ago where we did do something along those lines he brought them back late, wouldn't tell me when he was bringing them back, then refused to behave sensibly when he got back in to the city resulting in me having a police escort to collect the boys. ANd on top of that ds2 came back badly burned by his and his mothers inability to keep children away from cookers. (Hospital were as concerned about this as I was, however SS and courts didn't give a crap. So I'm incredibly happy that he doesn't have them for longer than every other weekend and worry that if I took them on holiday over one of his weekends he would insist on having them longer himself.

He is very vindictive and would do that just to get at me. He clearly doesn't want to have the boys, he really doesn't give a crap about them but only has them every other weekend so that I don't.

mypanda I only know that they would be happy to help you because I phoned the local helpline and the lady said they still hear from women 5 years after splitting up where the ex is still difficult re: collecting kids and uses it as a way to get at you still.
You could maybe search on the internet for the local domestic abuse service in your area and then they could arrange a support worker to visit you if necessary. Not sure where you look for that but I got mine thru my health visitor.
Good luck and hopefully you can get some support to sort this out once and for all

I split with my husband 15 years ago, my kids were 6 & 7 at the time. I stopped speaking to him 2 years later for numerous reasons. He had them every second weekend and I sent a lawyers letter once a year stating the 2 weeks that they would be on holiday with me and requesting any dates that he would like. It wasn't easy, he had a set two hour window in which to pick them up and drop them off. I never said a word to the kids about him in a negative way. I let them figure it out. 15 years on the kids have nothing to do with him as he only used their visits to try and put me down to them and had no real interest in their welfare. I won't ever have to worry about him being at anything as the kids reach their milestones, both of them say they will never speak to him again and refer to him as the "sperm donor".

Your kids will make up their own minds about him, you just have to try and limit his effect on you as much as you can, you have my sympathy though.

humpty I will definitely get in touch with them, I have their website up on another tab atm. Thanks for the suggestion I would never have thought of them otherwise.

overthehillmum I've been the same, never said a word against him in front of them, the arguments I used to have with my dad because of the things he used to say and the names he used to call him, but he did later realise why and has said on several occasions well done to me for being that way. XP, just as your ex did, says allsorts of things about me, calling me names and feeding them a load of lies. I just hope that one day they do realise the truth and see that there is much more to being a dad than donating a bit of sperm. DP has been much more of a dad to them in the last 2 years than XP ever has been.

ANother thing, possibly the biggest thing is the impact that it all has on their behaviour (ds2 in particular). He's always been a difficult child, but for the few days after he gets back he is impossible to live with, we're pulling our hair out over it and it has such a huge impact on all of us and I can't help but feel that that is another thing the ex has over me as we're never going to get ds2 to behave the way we want him to for more than 10 days and I fear it's going to get worse as he gets older.

How old are teh children espec ds2? are school / nursery expressing concerns about his beahviour?

you need to go to GP/HV/school and get a referral to educaiotnal psychologist and/or behavioural expert - and/or attend parenting classes to get strategies to help you. also ask ex to attend.

depends how severe the behaviour is - if jsut beyond normal - then regular parenting classes may give you some strategies ideas/

if it is really out of control then enlist profressional help - those professionals will also want to see your ex as well and this may be a way of getting ex to listen to your concerns. if profressionals see something emanating from your ex that is concerning they can support you in deciding what action to take.

or they may help you deal with the transitions from one home to another so there is lesss stress.

get some support/counselling from womens aid too.

DC are 9 & 5.

After begging HV & GP over a couple of years I am finally seeing CAMHS with DS2. We saw her towards the end of last year and are seeing her again next week.

Over the years I have been to several different types of parenting classes and have never learnt any different strategies to those that I have already tried.

XP is not interested in attending anything that will help ds2 as he does not believe there is a problem. He will not help in any way. He has emailed me in the past complaining that he cannot handle ds2's behaviour and asking how I cope. I sent him a lengthy email detailing what I find helps the most including, punishments, rewards, what types of situations to avoid, how to predict his behaviour and what types of foods to avoid and which types of foods are ok. Ds2 comes back having been smacked, shouted at, spent the entire weekend in a dark stuffy room (he lives in a studio flat with one small window) playing 18 rated games on xbox, playstation or ds having eaten white bread, turkey dinosaurs or cheap chicken nuggets with cheap frozen chips (some of the worst possible foods you can give him), cookie crisps for breakfast and drinking coke.

As I have had no joy from courts or SS in trying to restrict contact I am having to deal with things as best I can and am mostly wanting help with the transition period. I have been told that we are doing the best things possible to ease transition, however he is still out of control when he returns and for the 24hrs before he goes and still wets himself at night when the changes in behaviour occur.

The mental health worker has said that the contact with his father adn the difficulty in the transition between the two is potentially causing a lot of the problems (proved by the fact that when XP lets them down his behaviour for the month that he does not see him is close to perfect) and says that lessening contact would be beneficial, however we have not been able to get anything in writing.

how does he behave at school? if school are seeing issues as well you might have more luck in pushing something written and asking to reduce contact... or for ex to take on board strategies

School describe the well behaved ds2 - a polite, respectful little boy. They have had no issues with him, and neither of his nurseries ever did either.