Does anyone else feel this way?

[paulwellerfan]

Hi- I started another thread the other day about my situation but didnt get many replies so i thought i would post again!

I am feeling really crap today- my stbxh is probably moving out quite soon and it is my decision- the marriage has been quite abusive- he is a very difficult man- although he keeps down a very responsible, well paid job, in the home he is impossible- he had bad anger issues and finds it very hard to relate to me or the children- i have suspected for along time that he is ill- depressed- he is anti depressants and they make know difference- what i think we are looking at is a personality disorder (my gp thinks that is what the problem is.)
However, over the years he has always blamed me for our problems- and told me that i am very difficult, oversensitive, that i overreact to him, that i worry too much, that i create problems wherever i go, etc, etc. He has lied so much and has treated me like a piece of shit at times- he has argued with me so much infront of the children despite me begging him to stop- i could go on and on all day about the problems that he has bought into our lives but it is all very tedious- to sum it up i think he definately has a personality disorder and cannot empathise, show warmth, remorse, accept criticism, or allow anyone else to be right.
To add insult to injury i have also found out recently that he has been using the kids laptop to access hardcore porn- he swore on his kids lives that he hadnt- it is as if he thinks that if he says he is right and i am wrong- then that is a fact- he bareface lied to me and on the kids life because a few weeks later i found more porn on their laptop and he still tries to justify his behaviour- says all men look at porn and what is the problem?
Well- the big problem is that my kids were a press of a button away from some pretty disgusting filth as a reselt of their father not protecting them. Also this filth has come into my home and it feels like it has contaminated everything- what he has been looking at disgusts me- in my opinion it totally indicates what i have thought for along time- he seems to lack respect for women and he is unable to relate in an emotional relationship where a woman might have needs other that sexual- ie- needs for emotional warmth and to feel safe and nurtured.
I hate him for all of this and although i am trying very hard to get on with my day to day stuff- today i am struggling- i have 2 wonderful children, dd9 and ds7- they are my life- i have no family locally and i feel very lonely and isolated- i talk with friends but they all have their own lives and their own families.
I feel quite traumatised by all of this and today i feel ill with it all- like i have the worries of the world on my shoulders- i am thinking of speaking to Womens Aid to see if there is any counselling that i could access to help me get my head around things- emotional and practical stuff.
I was wondering if anyone else feels or has felt how i do- i feel guilty because he wont end the marriage so it is down to me to make that decision, i am deeply concerned about how the children will be (my little fella has mild autism and is very anxious and sensitive); i feel hurt and belittled; i feel very angry but most of all I feel so sad- that i have spent so much time and so much emotional energy trying to tolerate this man and now i find out that i am not sure if i have ever really known him- his secret regarding internet sex addiction i think has been going on a very long time- i have sacrificed my own happiness and wellbeing for a stranger in the home. Also i have raised the children so far single handedly- i know he has earnt the money to provide us with a nice home( and i have lost count of how many times he has told me that...)- so i am exhausted with all of it and today i feel at breaking point.
Please help- i am a strong woman and friends keep telling me how well i am coping- alot of the time i can paint on a smile and put on a brave face but today i am struggling.

Hi, there is lots of counselling available, the Domestic Violence helpline were brillant at referring me to the right places.
My doctor was also excellent at support and they will also refer you.
There are always black days, as I type I feel so positive and happy but I am three years down the seperation route and there were days in the past where I just cried and cried (in fact I water damaged one mobile phone!).
You will find light at the end of the tunnel, counselling should help you feed stronger and give you the support you need through this time.

yes,have been there too. but it all gets better,it really does

once he's gone the relief will be imense.....i still feel it 7 years on

I had a similar situation to you and left my ex h five years ago this month. I was fortunate in that I had somewhere to go and it was a hard slog at times, but five years on, I have re-married, the children are happy and settled and I have turned my lonely isolated life around.

I really feel for you and would urge you to be brave and leave if he won't. Life is so short, you sound like a lovely lady and you deserve to be happy. I know your friends mean well, but don't cope with your life....live and enjoy it.
xxxx

Thanks for your replies ladies- I am getting myself confused (well, that isnt difficult at the moment!!) because i currently have two threads on the go.... I didnt get many replies from the 1st one so decided to post again and now i am trying to remember who i have replied to, or not!!
I have spoken with the local Womens Aid today and they have referred me to their telephone support service- so that is good and i look forward to receiving that support.
Thank you for your words of encouragement- it is so good to hear stories that have a happy ending- it gives me real hope.

Today is a bad day- but tomorrow will be better.... I keep crying at songs that make me feel sad- not sad because i wont be with him ( i cant wait for that), but sad because i have spent so much time being so unhappy and my kids have grown up seeing things that i would never have wanted my children to see- i cant go back and change things- i cant wipe it all out and start again- but, i guess what i can do is make a fresh start as from now- it is such as shame that my new life will involve being without my amazing kids every other weekend- that prospect is what has kept me here as long as i have- so will take some time to get my head around that one.

Glad to hear you are getting some support from womens aid.

We all have bad days - it is easy to expect too much from yourself. I'm taking some good advice to be kinder to myself. If I have a bad day or feel down, I am often quite critical of it but have decided to remind myslef it is early days still.

Sounds like you are going through perfectly normal (yet horrible) emotions. Some days I have such massive regrets, anger at myself, anger at my ex, overwhelming hurt and despair. It is all normal and natural - better to feel it and work through it, than deny it.

XH hasn't had DD overnight yet but we are working towards it. I dreaded it so much at first but the dread is dissipating and now I half dread, half think 'at least I'll get a lay in'. It's hard to focus on the positives but there are some minute ones to be found if you really look hard.

Thanks - it is good to know that i am not the only one- sometimes it is easy to feel as if no one else understands- but i can see from this forum that there are so many people going through it.

I am usually quite hard on myself- although i am a very kind and caring person and would do anything to help others, I am not so generous to myself. But, at the moment I am actually giving myself permission to take things one step at a time- certains things arent getting done and i refuse to beat myself up about it. I am trying very hard to prioritise the important things and let other things slip- i am saying no to things and am dropping some of my committments- and just focussing on the essentials.

You are right- I am sure that i will reach a point when i look forward to the children going to their dads so that i can have a rest- this will be a positive. Thanks again for your reply.

PWF..I was in an awful relationship for 18 years, have no idea how I coped but I did. During that time I felt so isolated and alone even though I have friends and family around. But it always seemed that they had their lives sewn up and I was the only one going through it, if only I had known about this forum then.

Reading your post I really really feel for you. When xp left it was liberating, however I didn't realise that I was so emotionally damaged till much later. Please look after yourself, get the counselling going and don't ever think it's your fault. Don't look too far ahead, take one day at a time otherwise you will be exhausted, things are hard enough right now. Keep us posted, you will get lots of support on here:)

Hi,

I'm going through a split at the moment and can sympathise. My ex basically said it was down to me to make the decision about whether we split despite the fact his behaviour had left me no choice and whenever I speak with him he still won't accept any responsibility.

I am lucky enough to have family around me but I can identify when you said it's hard to talk to people. I've been avoiding making small talk at the school gate as it seems so pointless and it feels like every other child in my daughter's class comes from a perfect family.

Don't blame yourself. You are strong for making the decision to end it.

WillIEverBeASizeTen- thank you for you reply- wow- you were very brave to stick with things for such along time. Yes, it certainly is very lonely being in such an unhappy relationship and it feels as if everyone else is happy and 'normal'.

It has only just occurred to me in the past few days how much i am struggling- it is as if the realisation has set in about how bad things have been and i am allowing myself to admit how bad i have been feeling. So i am so pleased that i decided to come onto this forum and get impartial advice and support. As a result i contacted Womens Aid and i will be getting weekly telephone support- just for me- to talk about how i am feeling and maybe i will take the Freedom programme- a course for survivors of domestic abuse.

Mrscolour- thanks for your reply- it is horrible isnt it that they wont accept responsibility for the damage that has been done? My stbxh keeps telling me that i have made the wrong decision and that we should stay together for the sake of the kids- i wish that he was man enough to admit to his behaviour, accept responsibility and do me the favour of walking away- but, no, he wont do that- he is leaving that huge responsibility to me- he is gutless, I guess. I just hope my kids will in time respect me for taking this stance.
With regard to other people up at school- it can often appear as if everyone else has a perfect family life- but i bet some of the women at the school gate would envy us- the fact that we have been strong enough to end a very bad relationship- you never know some of them might be exactly where we have been- very unhappy but unable to see a way out.
I have more recently been starting to open up- even to people that i dont know that well- i have been amazed at how kind and supportive people have been.

This forum is great- thanks ladies- you are lovely. xx

PWF..I wish I'd had the courage to go to somewhere like WA. Funny isn't it that back then I thought well "my friends and family would do something about it if it was really bad wouldn't they?" but they didn't know because I didn't tell them everything and those I did tell everything I told them not to do anything!

Sadly I was in denial. That cost me dearly. That was some time ago now, and I am still working on my confidence and self esteem. Unfortunately I had a 3 year relationship after the split and that ended because although not unkindto me, was not committed either, so not being the doormat I was before, I ended it. It was devastating, however I am on the mend and know it was for the best.

Good luck, stay strong and keep posting

Haven't read the whole thread (gotta run), so this may have been said

I really feel for you! Apart from everything else, how sick to be accessing porn on your kids computer!
How very abusive! God forbid that they should stumble across it!!

Buy a memory stick and put any of their important stuff on it, and then reboot the machine, after which you keep it hidden from him!
Maybe you can put some kind of "child lock" on it, so none of that stuff can be accessed, not sure how that works, sorry!
Google's our friend there!

And please don't sacrifice your happiness and well-being for anyone! You need it for yourself and to be the best mum you can be to your kids! (which I'm sure you are)!

Mrscolour - my Ex wont accept any responsibility for his behaviour even now.

OP - It's so hard and you do feel guilty and a little sad in a way as you are saying goodbye to a huge part of your life. It's scarey, although as mentioned before by another poster the relief is huge and worth it in itself.

I'm glad you are getting some form of support as it's such a hard thing to be going through but little by little, day by day, it gets a little easier. It's a long, hard dark road but like all roads, they all lead somewhere nice eventually.

Hi again- thanks for your replies- i am trying really hard to be brave and strong but i am hurting like mad. He is going in the next few weeks and the tension here is pretty awful- last night he grabbed me and pushed me out of the way- it is the first time that he has laid a finger on me and it felt really scary.
Even though he cannot get onto porn on the kids computer- ( and i got a computer company to clean the harddrive for me)- i have just looked on his works computer which he left downstairs- he cannot access porn on this (hence using the kids computer to feed his filthy habit) and i did a quick look on the history- 2 things stood out to me- google images of Nicole Kidman- someone that he has always been obsesses with and a page about sexual health- and it looked like he had taken an online assessment to see if he had a STI- Yuk- does this confirm to me that he has been having an affair or having sex with a prostitute?
I wish this would all just go away- i hate all of it - what makes it all so much worse is that i have put my own needs on hold for such along time and have tried to keep the marriage going and the family together- just to find out he is a sex addict, with a personaility disorder and he still hasnt got the guts to tell the kids that he is leaving- oh, no- he will happily leave that one to me- i have been the one constant in their lives ever since they were both born and i am the one who is going to have to break their hearts when i tell them that daddy is moving out.
I wish you ladies just lived around the corner- i so need some friends who i can turn to- my friends here would be there for me but, unless you have been through it yourself, it is hard to appreciate, isnt it?

I posted on your other thread, but I'll post here too. I'd keep a very close eye on his behaviour. Keep a diary, keep text message, emails etc. Take photocopies of all your important documents, ie bank statements, bills, passports etc. and keep them somewhere safe AWAY from the house.

I would contact Womens Aid again and tell them what has happened since you first contacted them.

When you tell your kids that their father is moving out, it won't be you who's breaking their hearts - it will be him, don't take responsibility for his inability. Stay strong. Keep posting on here, we're listening......

Thanks Lemonylemon (I love your nickmane by the way!- just saying it makes me feel brighter. xx)
So far i have gone through alot of his paperwork and have got copies of bank statements, bills and some building society books- i am trying to log things when he says them to me but i am thinking about starting to keep a diary- i am usually good at remembering things that he says to me but at the moment my head is all over the place.
I tried to speak to Womens Aid yesterday but they werent available at that time so i spoke to a lovely lady at Parentline- i really needed someone to talk to and she was really kind. I will try WA again today- he seemed calmer last night so not so tense.
I have booked a holiday to take the kids to Dorset in April- my dd is a mad fan of Monkeyworld down there and we are also going to have a week in Swanage- when i booked it i thought it would give us something to look forward to- now not sure what to do- tell the kids about the split before we go or when we get back (and he moves out while we are away)- what do you ladies think?
I seem to have a complete inability to make decisions at present- i am so stressed.
Thanks ladies for all of your support.

Look "narcissism" up on google, it will be a revelation for you, you will find everything there you need to know, good luck

PS you feel helpless because he has had years to belittle you and destroy your confidence, trust me you will get through this, I got away from a very similar individual 3 years ago, he is damaged, it is absolutely NOT your fault!

Thanks hdaze- yep- i have googled narcissism a few weeks ago- in many respects it is my husband all over- thanks for that- i have known in my heart for along time that something has not been quite right but i just havent been able to put my finger on it- googling personality disorder and sex addictions has certainly been enlightening and has helped me understnad what has been going on- but i feel quite traumatised to think that i have been living with a man who i have never really known for so many years- quite shocking really- but, this weekend he still told me that he still wants us to stay together- does he really believe that i could continue to live with him now i know what i know?
I do could never trust him or respect him ever again- hardly a basis for a marriage!

As much as i know it is not my fault, this has chipped away at my self esteem and confidence and in my low moments i doubt myself and his harsh words and aggressive behaviour really get the better of me.

I just cant wait for him to go so i can get on with building myself up again.

Hi, so pleased that you realise you can't go back, just shows how much strength you have found already.

Getting rid of him will really allow you to breathe again and start to recover emotionally, I felt a huge difference when I left and was able to control my environment again, you will too.

My ex was also a porn addict, I estimate that he was spending about 5 hours a day looking at the internet, telling me he was checking "business mails"!

What sad, sad little men they are, I am sooooo much happier 3 years along the line, I'm sure you will feel the same very soon, well done you!