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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can I move area with children?

32 replies

OhWesternWind · 11/03/2011 08:24

It's very likely that over the next year or so I will be moving area with the children to be near my family. This will be around a 2.5 hour drive away from where we are now and where ex lives.

I have asked my solicitor if he can stop us and she said no, as long as we stay in England/Wales there shouldn't be a problem. But I have read on another thread where someone was warned about their ex taking out a prohibited steps order to stop her moving away.

Can anyone help and clarify the situation for me?

Thanks to you all in advance.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2011 08:27

How old are they and what's the contact at present ?

He, I think, can get one issued in certain circs. To prevent a school move.

Original poster

OhWesternWind · 11/03/2011 08:33

Hi - they don't have much contact at all at the moment. They are 5 and 8, almost 6 and 9. Ex doesn't have PR for the elder but does for the younger.

We really need to move to get some family support and for the children to be closer to family. My mum is not too well and she needs me too (although she won't admit it ) to help out.

I need to know what the situation is so that I can make plans, apply for jobs etc. I don't want to resign my job here, sell my house etc and then find myself unable to move.

If I moved without him knowing, could he make me come back?

It isn't to the end of the world, it is about 100 miles away and he would be able to come and see the children if he could be bothered. He has done the journey there and back in a day plenty of times before when he was dropping the children off with my mum over the holidays.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2011 08:36

I think he could argue that you should be the one travelling go drop them for contact. And at your own expense

So why not much contact ATM? Any contact order in place?

Original poster

OhWesternWind · 11/03/2011 08:39

The children don't want to see him (he was abusive emotionally and, to the eldest, physically and she is having to have counselling about it) and he has not bothered to try to see them either, has never phoned them to see how they are and has basically disappeared from their lives. There's no contact order in place.

If the issue was who should travel, that could be accommodated I am sure.

OP posts:

hairylights · 11/03/2011 09:25

if I were you I'd get some legal advice. As he was abusive to the children I dont think my usual opinion about moving kids away counts, especially as they don't want to see him.

However, you would be morally wrong to move without letting him know.

daddydaycare51 · 11/03/2011 09:43

Hi ohwesternwind if you are moving for family suport then there is no problem where you move to as long as it not out of the country (without his writted consent).
And I'm sorry to disagree with IloveTIFFANY but there is no way she would be the one to have to drop the kids of for contact , that would be his responsibility to travel to see the children not your's. And the distance is nothing , I travelled 272 miles every 2 weeks to see my 4 kids 9 hr round trip before I got custody of them, they have now been with me 7 years and I have travelled up and down the country to various areas (work related) and the mother had no say what so ever about the situation. Basically it is the absent parent's own responsibility to travel for contact (Not yours). As far as the move it is always best to let him know what your intention is , it's just polite. Everybody deserves a new start somewhere.

daddydaycare51 · 11/03/2011 09:47

ohwesternwind I have just read your latest posting if he has no contact with the children and has dissapeared from the childrens lives anyway, when was the last time he had contact with them ????

Original poster

OhWesternWind · 11/03/2011 09:54

Thanks everyone for your messages. It is good to know that this is doable, but I'll certainly look at taking some further legal advice as things move on.

Being closer to my mum would be wonderful as I am finding it a real struggle. I am pretty much on my own 24/7 as obviously with ex having very little contact I have responsibility for the children without a break, and I am exhausted and can't see how I can carry on like this for years. Ex's family are no help at all. It is difficult for me to get out or have any sort of a social life and I've had to give up my clubs/gym classes etc due to lack of childcare so I am just stuck in the house all the time. The children love my mum to bits and would dearly like to be nearer to her and see more of her.

When would you recommend telling him? Now, whilst the plans are just vague thoughts or once things are more finalised eg when I have accepted a job offer (I have to give three months' notice in my current job)?

Thanks again

OP posts:

daddydaycare51 · 11/03/2011 10:16

Personally if he has not had contact with the children for quite a while then as far as I would be concerned he has made HIS intentions fairly clear. And usually it takes somthing like a move for them to all of a sudden be all up in arms about it , this is just a selfish reaction and then suddenly they become all parental. This would be just a selfish reaction to the situation and should not put you off moving. You have to do what is best for you and your children , if it means moving for suport off your family members then so be it , just tell him this is what you are going to do. If it's in the best interest of the children then go for it.

Primroselady · 11/03/2011 11:01

I have recently moved (last 6 months), also about 100 miles from my ex. The court made no problems with this and my ex does one journey for contact and I do the other one. This move has been very positive, like you I am now closer to family, the contact arrangements work better as there are no arguements over 'odd days' due to distance. I am able to relaxe as I feel free to move around in new area without being stalked (lots of bad history with ex).

I would say go for it!

Original poster

OhWesternWind · 11/03/2011 11:35

Hi Daddydaycare - he had contact with them for a morning with his sister and parents over the half term holidays. Since then he has seen them very briefly when he came to the house to pick up some stuff but the children ran upstairs so they didn't have to see him so in terms of meaningful contact it didn't work. They were upset and distressed for the whole weekend, in fact my son ended up crying in school on the Monday which is very unlike him because in his words he had had such a bad weekend ie seen his father for around a minute. He has not phoned them or tried to have contact in any other way.

Ironically he has just texted me since I posted last to say he wants contact this weekend, but I have already made plans so I have said no, and I have also said the children don't want to see him at the moment, and he is now saying I am keeping them from him. You just can't win can you?

OP posts:

boxingHelena · 11/03/2011 11:59

I would make sure your intention are well documented and agreed via a lawyer. Yes he may oppose to it but you better find out sooner than after you have - say - sold the house!
I will not want him to know and say nothing than when the moments come he wakes up to his "right' all at once

cestlavielife · 11/03/2011 15:50

with the eldest eveythig must be documented if she getting counselling so you would not have problem there stating "no contact2 or only with agreemetn/recommendaiton from her counsellor or only supervised. with the other one not so sure... did he witness annything? is that documented?

could you have any contact that does take place not witnessed by a third party who could write a report?

so if he does end up taking it to court thngs are clear....

an no - youi cant win.

but do what you need to do for your DC ebst interests and state that firmly.

CherylAnnTweedy · 11/03/2011 16:56

Very interested in this thread OhWesternWind as I'm considering moving, also about 100 miles away, but only 1 1/2 hrs drive.

We have a few reasons, 1. DPs work is very hit and miss here (more miss tbh) whereas if we move to the area he's from he will have much more work. 2. Education - I can't afford private school for ds1 and there are only very poor state secondary schools here. He's doing very well at school and the area we are thinking of has state grammars so would benefit him, plus I need a new start to get away from certain reminders etc.

I'm also worried about him trying to get a prohibitive steps order from what I have read elsewhere and the travelling issue although am reassured by what Daddydaycare says about the absent parent being the one that has to do the travelling.

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2011 17:01

dont take that advice as gospel!!

every situation is different,as is every judge......i have known the resident parent be made to do the travel if they decide to move away and disrupt contact

and cover the costs too

ladydeedy · 12/03/2011 00:10

indeed. how would you feel if boot was on the other foot? Your ex move away with children and expect you to collect and drop off, without any indication of this being a possibility?
I'll throw this out there - what about your mum coming to move nearer you?

balia · 12/03/2011 08:13

I'm with ILT - there is a feeling that the person who moves the children away should be the one to pay for travel.

But either way, it is the children who will have to do these journeys back and forth in a single weekend.

belleshell · 12/03/2011 08:38

must be something to do with 100 miles, i am desperate to move 100 miles for family support ( I HAVE me AND MY MUM IS ILL) but my kids are 12 and 9 and we have joint custody. my ex said there is no F ing chance of me moving with the kids. All is family friends are local, his family dont want anything to do with me since we split, im in rented accomodation which is fine but house prices in the area are extortionate both to buy and rent, so im trapped with a high rent, i spend every other week without seeing a soul other than my work collegues, whilst my kids are 1/2 mile away playing happy families with my ex his family the new puppy and his new girlfirnd who as a baby....my dd is in child heaven....new puppy and a baby.......

what do you think could i move?

GypsyMoth · 12/03/2011 08:48

Course you could move!! The kids will be fine with their dad and new family and I'm sure you'll happily finance your own travelling every other weekend!!!!!!

Youllskimmer · 12/03/2011 15:10

I don't think Belleshell was on about going on her own.

GypsyMoth · 12/03/2011 15:15

No, I know that!!!

Why should they be removed from their father?? He's an equal patent after all........this case is one where there is a good existing relationship and the children have rights!

goddess72 · 12/03/2011 16:19

there is usually more to it than that though,not just a case of oh I fancy moving 100 miles away! So I think its both parents responsibility to make sure the children have suitable contact.

GypsyMoth · 12/03/2011 16:22

*parent!!!

cestlavielife · 12/03/2011 23:51

belle if your dc are away at the weekend and you on your own - then it is up to you to join in activities eg local gym or other stuff, go out, do voluntary work etc - that isnt your ex's fault or problem. if you have ME then maybe a local support group? do you get any counselling?

the more resentlful and bitter you feeel - well thec will pick up on this wont they? and maybe the lure of the baby and puppy will prove too much...

be happy for your dc - the puppy and baby will grow up eventually

makemineapinot · 14/03/2011 11:22

OP - this is a good article here - my ex took out a prohibitive steps order to stop me and the DC returning to Scotland from England last year although he was makign it fincially impossible for us to remain down south by refusing to pay maintenance. he never contscts my dc or speaks to me to make arramgements to see them - phone calls, texts, emails etc are ignored from me and DC. Anyway I called in my lawyer and a barrister (cost me a fortune but we had to move - ex's gf was cuasing major emotionala nd psychological trauma to the kids as well as the finacial aspect - CAFCASS recommended the move for the dc's sake) and the barrister basically said that my human rights as a European citizen, I was entitled to live anywhere within the European Union - case was dismissed and then we argued about contact (should have just agreed to all his ridiculous demands as he can't be arsed to see them anyway ) At the end of the day OP there are ways and emans of keeping in touch - SPYPE, email, phone calls etc if your ex wants to and you can agree shared costs/travel. But it sounds like he will only threaten you with the PSO - or maybe even go through with it to piss you off. Good luck - my solicitor and barrister both told me that moving within England Wales is fine and it's only if you were delibertaely moving from say newcastle to penzance (esp if you had no family/history etc in Penzance) just to prohibit contact that a judge would have a problems with it. Good luck - best move we ever made. DD is happiest she's been and ds is happy but struggles wiht the rejection from his dad but that was happening anyway regardless of where we lived.

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