Hi, I am new to this and need some support

[paulwellerfan]

Hi, I have just started looking at this forum as i am about to become a single parent- infact having just responded to another thread I realised how much i need some support and advice.
I am 43- have been with husband for 11 years- have dd, 9 and ds, 7- no family in area and have been a sahm since dd was born. He has always worked very long hours and has never been a hands on dad- he has always had issues with anger, and is a very impatient, rigid thinker, who would argue that black is white till the cows come home and wouldnt care who was in the way at the time...
His behaviour over the years has got worse and worse and many times he has been very angry and aggressive towards me infront of the children. He has made no attempt to curb his behaviour and even when i ask him to leave it until later because the children are in the next room and i dont want them hearing him shout, he takes no notice- it is like he has to win, has to be in control, and even if the kids are crying and screaming at him to leave mummy alone, he continues. Basically, it is like he is ill- he doesnt show any empathy or understanding of others, he shows a total lack of remorse and emotional warmth- i have found this so difficult because i am such a warm, sensitive, loving and caring person and i am totally into my kids- they are my whole life and i dont feel as if i have been able to share this with him and he is not really into the kids- he loves them but he is impatient with them and doesnt really know how to relate to them.
I have taken about 3 years to finally make the decision to separate- for years i have been trying to keep everything together- initially for the sake of the children- but then as i have become increasingly aware of the damage that this conflict is having on the children i have felt that i have had no choice but to split up.

This is only part of the issue- the reasons i have for this decision are complex but all involve the fact that i cannot tolerate his behaviour any longer and if i stayed with this man i would become very depressed and live a very unfulfilled life- the decision making process has been very long and very drawn out- like a rollercoaster- one minute feeling that there is no other way but to split, and the next minute feeling panicky about it and trying to see a way that we could continue living together- the fear, the anxiety, the pressure, the pain has, at times been intolerable- the potential pain i will be causing my children when we split up has been enough for me to stay and tolerate his behaviour- but one day i woke up and realised that i had made the decision- I CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH HIM AND I WILL HAVE TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING THAT I HAVE TO TO REACH A POINT WHEN I CAN LIVE IN PEACE AND FREE FROM THE FEAR OF HIS UNPREDICTABILITY.
It was like a lightbulb moment- but, this was just the start of it and that was in November last year and he is still here!
Howver, once i had made the decision i made it quite clear to him how i felt ( i had told him regularly over the years how i find his behaviour unacceptable and that he needed help- but he kept telling me that i was over reacting)- we agreed that he would stay here till after Christmas and then start looking for somewhere to live- but then the biggest shock came- he was being vile all the time- very angry that i had made the decision to end the marriage and he kept telling me he wanted to make a go of it- but in the next breath he was aggressive and horrible to me. Then i found that he had been looking at hardcore porn on my childrens laptop- he denied it the first time- said he had accidentally clicked on a pop up..... what a t**t- to think that i would believe that- i was shocked and challenged him and he lied- even swore on his kids lives that he hadnt been looking at porn- but then a few weeks later i looked at the history on their computer ( i was checking every day at this time- can i also add that i was a complete illiterate when it came to any issues regarding computers- so it was easy for him to putt the wool over my eyes about this matter)- and guess what? Yep- he had been using their computer again to look at hardcore porn- not only had he failed to delete it from the history but he had taken off the safety filters and not put them back on.
I confronted him and he was mortified that he had been caught out but ( he had been looking at porn when me and the kids had been asleeo upstairs but the time i caught him out was at 7pm one \friday evening when me and the kids were out for a few hours- he knew we were due back at 8.30 and the first thing he did when he got in from work was go on my kids laptop to look at porn.
Quite frankly, as much as i am disgusted with his behaviour, it served to totally confirm that i had made the right decision- he has had an addiction to internet sex- probably for along time and it is totally indicative of his general behaviour that i have witnessed over the years- but he has tried to convince me over the years that it is me being difficult and that i provoke him- basically, it has been an abusive relationship- albeit that he has never hit me.
He is going to be leaving in a few weeks and although it will be a huge relief when he leaves the home and i am looking forward to the peace and calm that will follow- i am dreading telling the children- they are very aware that things are not good- they are very sensitive to what is going on in the home and i feel so guilty that i have not been able to protect them from the conflict. All i have ever wanted for my children is to have a happy life and to grow up in a safe and secure environment- and i am devastated that at times their lives have been far from that.
As the responsible parent, i have no choice but to end this marriage- but, why do i feel so guilty? Why do i feel so devastated?

Sorry for mammoth message- it has actually been very therapeutic just writing it- i hope someone out there has some words of wisdom and advice for me- i need all of the encouragement and reassurance that i can get...

firstly well done for reaching that decision. they say that's the hardest part.
regarding the therapeutic effect of letting all that out, my support worker from womens aid told me that it's all part of the healing process to go over what has happened, so you feel free to let it out!
I was also told that the break up of a marriage can be like a bereavement. YOu are not mourning your crappy situation, rather you are mourning the fact that it has all gone wrong. I remember feeling devastated that I was finally admitting to myself that my "happily ever after" was never going to happen. I remeber thinking "my life wasn't supposed to be like this" and lots of similar thoughts. And also feeling desparately sorry for myself that my life had ended up like this. Howver, that phase has now passed, I left at Christmas, so 3 months ago.
Sorry, I am too tired to offer much advise, but I would really strongly recommend confiding in people. I know it's embarassing and you don't want to be that person who ended up in this situation, but it has really helped me to move forward. I have the support of womens aid who have been absolutetly fantastic, and they aren't only available to women who have been physically assaulted etc, they are there for all women in abusive situtaions. I also confided in my health visitor, my kids are all under 6 so I was in touch with her anyway, not sure if that's appropriate to you?
I also contacted the Home school link worker at my kids school. She is absolutely fab, a goldmine of information about everything from domestic abuse, to benefits and everything else in between. With her help I approached the school and explained the situation and asked for some extra support for my kids if required. She also helped me to move on with my own life by encouraging me to get out and meet new people etc.
In short!!!! the best thing I found was to confide in people, let them help you. Don't keep it all inside. It's strange because once you start talking about it you realise how common these situations are and you will find a lot of support for you.

Good luck and stick to your guns
x

you may find the chldren will be relieved he is out o the way and you can have a calm, happy house.

will second what cestlavie says, that's certainly how it was for me, it's amazing how quickly kids change and a bit frightening when you realise just how tense the atmosphere was once it disappears

Thank you for your replies-you are right- it is good to talk- and even though i do talk with friends, it is good to talk to others in a similar situation- who really do understand the agony that i am going through. Also, with regard to the tension and atmosphere in the home- i cant wait for that change- the kids and i are so much more relaxed when he is not around and they see a very different mummy when he is here- because i withdraw and become more subdued, as a way of coping with him.

I want my kids to grow up seeing mummy happy and relaxed- and i hope that when they get older they will thank me for making this decision. I couldnt bear the thought of staying with him for the sake of the kids and in the future them telling me that they hated it and wish i had kicked him out years ago.

Thanks again for your messages cestlavie and Humptydidit.

and you can be sure they would tell you that
Adults who have been raised within an unhappy family will confirm that to you time and time again
Keep talking and keep getting support
What is your next move going to be? Has he started to look around for places to move to?

Hi boxingHelena- thanks for confirming that for me- i have asked around friends and done quite abit of research on the subject and came to the conclusion that my kids deserved to be reomoved from this situation. The problem i am facing at the moment, i guess, is how i deal with the guilt- because they are not going to thank me in the short term. The are 7 and 9 and despite his failings they love him and will hate him moving out- any tips on how i reconcile that one in my head- i want to feel strong in my decision and i know that i am being a responsible parent but i feel so guilty it is making me ill.

He is currently looking at places to move out to- but is taking his time and being quite fussy about where he is prepared to move to- so, in the meantime the tension and the atmosphere in the home is intolerable- I am really struggling today- i feel sick with it all- with the weekend coming up it is worse because i have a stretch of time from this evening to Monday morning where he will be here- ii is horrible- he is trying to be nice to the kids to make them think that i am the problem- it is very confusing for them because they spend most of their time with me as he works very long hours. Me and the kids are constantly walking on eggshells when he is around and it is enough to make you want to scream- if i challenge him about anything he becomes aggressive and acts as if everything is my fault- blames me for provoking him or being unreasonable- last weekend i went away but i cant really do that again..... although it is very tempting!!

Oh I know all about guilt
I have chosen to bring up a fatherless child.
I have to face questioning and re-adjust answers according to age / maturity
Some time even I indulge in what ifs.... but snap about it quick enough as I know the bottom line. Some people could not change and be trusted even if taken to pieces and assembled back

Simple age appropriate truth and discreet monitoring. Never ask them a loaded question / put answers in their mouth....

You sound very self aware, I am sure the guilt is going to be full on at first and gradually fading as you see your dear children benefitting from the outcome. Yep I do not think they will say thanx at the minute but who knows... let see

lady at womens aid told me straight that unfortunately you will be the bad guy in the eyes of your children in some respects. Dad gets all the fun times, days out at the zoo and dinner at macdonalds, while you get the daily grind, clearing up sick, running around after the kids etc. My kids are younger than yours and they do push the boundaries all the time, i guess all kids do. But it is worth following the road you're on. My kids went out with their dad on the weekend and their liitle faces were so happy when they came back. Which is actually quite sad because they should have been full of what fun times they had, but actually they spoke about daddy getting cross with ds and shouting at him and daddy not being able to stop the baby crying .
what a waste of zoo and macdonalds, but made me feel appreciated

I have just spoken to the local Womens Aid and they have arranged for someone to call to offer me some telephone support- so i feel abit better knowing that i have some support in the pipeline.

Thanks for your replies- I guess i have to focus on the fact that i am doing this for the best in the long term and allow my children to have a positive realtionship with their dad and when they are older they will have a better understanding of why i broke the family up and if he fails them, at some point they may choose not to see him so much.

For me- not much will change because i have been like a single parent for such along time- think that is why i am so exhausted with it all- he works very long hours, and i am a sahm and he expects me to do everything regarding the children- he hasnt got a clue what is going on in their lives and if i ever had needed support- ie when i had a hysterectomy 3 years ago he has always made it very clear that it is getting in the way of his work- he has never helped me with the kids graciously- it has always been under duress- even when the kids have been in hospital in the past he has very reluctantly taken time off work and made everyone suffer because of it.
So the daily grind i am used to - what i look forward to is some peace and calm and also reaching a point in my life when i am not so stressed- when i see him or when he is around i feel such negative energy- it saps the life out of me.

Thanks again for replies- your support is very much appreciated.

paulweller that is such good news you are in touch with womens aid. Please keep in touch with them, but be prepared for your h not to like it if he finds out. my ex h thinks all women at womens aid are raging lesbians with hairy legs eating lentil stew and whose main aim is to break up happy homes - what a twat!!!

hummptydidit- men think like this about women that take care of women because they feel threatened by them- but rather than admit it they are horrible and insulting about them.
I am really pleased that i took the courage to contact Womens Aid- thanks for your support.

Just thought- another reason that my stbxh wont like me having contact with W.A is that he does not accept that our marriage has been abusive- i wonder whether he would have thought it abusive had i treated him in the same way that he has treated me?! Me thinks YES!!

oh yeah, most likely. because if he's anything like my exh he thinks he is the victim in all of this. I have heard so much crap from him that it is now impossible to believe anything he says.
The worst part for me was speaking to his ex wife and listening to her tell me how he beat her many times, not just a slap but a proper beating. That sealed it for me that i never want to see him again if i don't have to, and tbh just to look at him makes me feel sick. but he says that he is hurt because it's obvious when he sees me that i really don't want to be near him

humptydidit- my stbxh is walking around as if he is the victim in all of this- he has always been quite morose and negative but at the moment he is so low and so angry at me- he still insists that i have made a bad decision and that he wants to stay to try to make it work- i have given him so many chances over the years to make changes to his behaviour and every time he lets us down and we are back to square one- so, tis time, enough is enough- and it has really shocked him that i mean business.

I wish i could track down his ex wife- as i am sure he was the same with her- they didnt have children but she had a good job and they had a beautiful home together- she did it up and it was her pride and joy- everything was the best- it was like her baby substitute- it must have taken an awful lot for her to have to walk away from that- she left him and had to sell the home and move into a much smaller property- she wouldnt have done that for no reason. Knowing what i know about him now i can fully appreciate why she wasnt prepared to stay married to him. I have only stayed with him for so long because i have tried to keep the family together and we have been financially dependent on him.
I also feel the same as you- i would be happy if i never saw him again- but, unfortunately i will have to see him because of the children- looking at him makes me so mad- i feel almost violent towards-
At the moment he is trying to be nice to the kids- it comes over as insincere and so contrived it makes me laugh really, but it is so obvious that he is doing it to try to say to me that he can change- but, i find that so sad because i have been asking him for years to spend more time with them and take abit more interest in them- ironic isnt it that he is finally trying to do it after all these years- what a t**t!

The rollercoaster has started..... I have felt so unwell today with the stress of it all- but part of it has felt unreal- like i am living in a very bad dream. But this evening my stbxh came home and told me that he has found somewhere to move to and can go within about a fortnight. As much as i want him out- it is now starting to feel real and i am scared.
I wont change my mind, i am sure of that but i am scared- but there is so much to discuss but we cannot talk without it getting nasty and we end up arguing- i am so hurt and angry at him and he is being so righteous- telling me that i am being unreasonable- he doesnt seem to give two hoots about how devastated i am and how worried i am.

i am now worried sick about telling the children- a month ago we sat them down and started to try to tell them then that daddy was leaving and my ds,7- started to scream hysterically- it was awful. I dont know how best to handle it all and i dont feel in a fit state to manage it at the moment. I dont have any family around me so i feel pretty on my own with it and 2 wonderful children to try to support throughout this.

I feel overwhelmed and dont know where to start- i dont feel that i can rely on him to be reasonable about things- he is very angry that i have ended the marriage and is still dictating when we talk about things and what he is prepared to talk about. As soon as i get upset or angry he walks away and refuses to talk anymore- like he is stating his authority over me.

If anyone has any advice on how to manage all of this i would be very grateful if you could share it with me- i need to be thinking about access- i am struggling to cope with the idea of my kids going to him every weekend- the 3 of us are very close because we have operated as a team for so long as he has worked very long hours and has not really been involved much in family life. Also i need to work out how much he needs to give me to support us staying in the marital home- our mortgage is very low so we have decided that i will stay here with the children in the short term.

There is so much to think about and at the same time i have to keep getting on with normal day to day stuff in the home and for the children and to try to keep it altogether for their sake- when actually all i feel like doing is crying and running away!

Where do i start? What can i do to help my kids manage the split? Loads and loads of questions are going around in my head- I feel like i am going mad.

paulweller to be honest I don't really know what to advise wrt the kids. I know that you need to keep yourself safe. My womens aid lady told me that you are in more danger of violence as a relationship ends which is a scary thought
If I was you, I would try to get through the weekend. I personally would try not to draw attention to the fact that he will be moving out if you possibly can and just try to keep things calm till he has gone... I'm guessing that it won't be that easy tho. I think you should phone womens aid again and ask them specifically for advise about getting thru the next few weeks... sorry can't be more helpful

Just seen this don't know if it is any help , from nspcc?

Thanks Humptydidit- I am trying to keep things calm- i am feeling abit brighter today although my shoulders feel like i am carrying around the worries of the world- i am looking forward to a nice long soak in a deep bubble bath this evening to help ease the tension.
I will look at the link that you shared with me- thanks again. Btw- hope you are ok. xx

I got my copy of "the book" today... just sitting down with a cup of tea to have a read. gere is the link if yuo fancy a read. I bought it last week on the recommendation of somebody else on here and it seems really good and that it will be really helpful especially if you're somebody like me who wants to understand and analyse everything!
On the down side tho, today was my dd's 6th birthday party. We only moved into this area in January so she doesn't know anybody really well, but I was so disappointed, she invited 7 girls from her class, and we planned together lots of little craft type activities to do because that's what she's into and only 1 kid came (to be fair one other did ring to apologies that their kid was ill) but the rest never said a word. Probably that's just the way it is but I feel terrible about it. We couldn't play pass the parcel etc cos there was only her and 1 other kid. Luckily my mum came over and she helped me to tone it down a bit and we are taking the cake to my mums tomorrow for candles and singing etc. I think dd actually had a really nice time, she never had frineds to play in the house before we came here and the one girl who did come was lovely, but it was such a shame and i'm beating myself up about it that they didn't come because nobody know's us etc etc etc
Trying to focus on the fact that dd had a good time none the less but still feel bad!

Thanks for that Humpty- i will take a look at the book- i am like you- i need to research things and to understand and analyse them- that is why i have known for years that there is something wrong in my marriage- i just could never put my finger on exactly what it was.
Now i know it was the porn addiction- i have spent days researching the web trying to find out as much as i can on the issues surrounding sex and porn addiction. It has helped me alot- it makes so much sense- i am not making any excuses for him because how he has acted over the years has been totally unacceptable, but i was spot on with my analysis- that he had detached himself from the family and that he was unable to relate to me in a healthy, emotional way- this is all because of his addiction- what hurts so much is that he knew he had a problem and he chose to do nothing about it- to the complete destruction of his wife and family.

I am so sorry to hear about your day- i am sure that you feel much worse about it than you little girl- the mums are very rude not bringing their kids to the party- that would have made me feel very angry. I am sure that your dd had a great time anyway and it sounds to me as if you are working really hard to ensure that she has a lovely time- well done you- what a fantastic mum you are- please dont feel bad.