About to become a lone parent and feel lost

[BlueRuby]

My marriage is coming to an end and I am facing the prospect of being a lone parent to my 3 dc. I am lucky that I own my house and I've looked into all the benefits I'm entitled to it's more the emotional stuff Im struggling with.

How do you do it? Im so sad and upset I feel ill. I will desperately miss my dh and our family life. How the hell do you pick yourself up and get on with life? I feel like my heart has been ripped in two. It wasn't suppose to be like this and Im scared of spending my life alone.

And most of all I am because I loved my dh do much.

I am so sorry. My situation is different to yours as I ended my marriage so I felt very different to you.

I think all you can really do it take one day at a time, you will have to get on with it for the kids, there is little choice about that. Gradually life will move on.

Also, just because your marriage is over does not mean to say you will spend your life alone. That being said, it is important to invest in your friendships and support network and making yourself happy.

I also loved by stbxh when we split and yes it's hard. You are used to sharing a life with them and I definitely struggled last year, was very depressed now that I look back on it. I was desperately sorry for my dd that we were getting divorced.

But a year down the line since the split (and a year and a half after troubles began) I really am doing ok. I had a little moment yesterday where I blubbed for first time in ages thinking I can't believe how much my life has changed in the last 2 years. But it really has changed for the better (there was stuff in our marriage I overlooked - him not working properly and not being supportive - he never even dealt with a bill). I don't have a frustrated feeling in my chest anymore and have had a short lived romance which gave me so much confidence and I am looking forward to things to come.

I guess it's important not to dwell on what you think you have lost and try and focus on the positives and what is to come. Some can get very bitter over the end of a relationship and I didn't want to be like that. But you will feel sad and depressed and lonely I'm afraid. It's a process that you have to go through.

HUGS.

I am so sorry to hear your news Blueruby- i really do appreciate how you feel because i am going through the same at the moment. My marriage is over and i have 2 dc- dd 9 and ds7- the only difference is that i do not still love my husband.
He has done so much damage over the years and has failed to get help with his problems- as a result i can no longer keep the family together- i am devastated and am dreading having to tell the dc- they will be heartbroken.
My advice to you is what people have given to me- look after yourself- be kind to yourself and take one step at a time- this is a huge change in your life so it is completely understandable that you feel so sad and so lost- what others have been saying to me is that, in time things will settle down and you will be ok- that you have 3 beautiful dc to focus on.

Try to get as much support as you can from friends and family and take whatever help is offered.
The end of a marriage is like a bereavement- that is why you are feeling so sad- it is the end of a dream- so my feeling is that we have to go through these stages of loss- so facing up to how you are feeling and expressing it, like you are doing on this thread is positive- as hard as it feels, being open and in touch with you are feeling, in my opinion is far better that burying it- because it would only come out later and bite you on the bum!
Please feel free to pm me if you want- in the meantime, i am sending you a big hug- keep strong, take care of yourself and know that there is plently of support here if you need it. xx

Oh thank you so much for your lovely replies.

It is like a bereavement. I keep doing that thing where you get distracted and stop thinking about it, then I remember and it hits me like a ton of bricks again.

Just wanted to offer my support
What you are going through is so hard. I am two months down the line from this. My husband left me and I still love him, think I will always will. Although at times I also detest him now.
All I can say is although it is incredibly hard you will start to find glimmers of happiness and eventually will find yourself singing when you do the washing up, or laughing at something the kids have done.
My ex hardly sees the kids and at first I was incredibly resentful of all the extra work I had to do, washing, cooking, ironing etc. Now I feel lucky and sorry for him. He is missing so much, when the kids are ill in the night, which friends they have fell out with, how well they are doing in tests. They look to me and I look to them and it really is your children that will keep you going.
Another bit of advice I would say is don't sit there thinking friends aren't being supportive (sometimes they feel awkward ringing) ring them. Try to get in touch with old friends, buy some new clothes and make loads of plans to get out there at weekends (I always find Sundays the toughest)
You are strong and you will survive this, good luck

Those first few months are the hardest. It's hell and I feel for you.

However, you get days where you are ok and then days where you want to curl up and give up on everything but you cant..you have to keep plodding on.

I had days where I could have fought everything and everyone and give it all a good kicking in, but then there were days where I would just cry..all day.

It's a lot to leave behind and say goodbye to, but it does get easier. Just take it one day at a time and do what you need to do for now.

Blueruby the others have given great advice but I will add my bit !

XH left me 15 months ago and I still loved him . The first few months were very hard but I quickly came to enjoy freedom from trying to be the wife he wanted trying to get him to love me. I also began to face up to how much I put up with to stay married to him.

I tried to accept as fast as I could that in the long run the split was for the best and I couldnt change his feelings (or rather lack of) for me.

I asked for and took all the support on offer

I read as much as I could in the self help divorce department

I had some therapy

I talked , cried , raged or grinned like a cheshire cat as and when.

I joined MN and still get so much out of this site , in particular from the Chin Up thread on relationships

For me my marriage had been unhappy for soem time so I was determined to move on asap rather than spend more of my time and emotion on my xh.

I hate to say this though the one real thing that has made the biggest difference is time , you just have to keep going.

Now I am about to move out of our family home and am filing for divorce. Its been a rollercoaster but I am sooo much happier and love being the real me. Also dont be afraid of being a single parent there are loads of pluses !!

You are going to be fine

I was told it was like a bereavement but having suffered from a bereavement I can honestly tell you a break up isn't that bad!

I was on the same situation that it was my flat and my finances were ok so just had the emotions to deal with, that in itself would have been ok but it was the fall out for months after the break up that was a nightmare and now we haven't x for years and years.

Give yourself a break and realise it will take a few months to get used to the house and daily things being different (I remember missing his toothbrush in the bathroom!) then you'll be fine

so many typos! Sorry 'haven't seen x' 'in the same situation'