Contact for Dangerous Ex-Advice Needed!

[isabellahp]

Hi, am new to mumsnet so not sure I'll get the etiquette of posting right but here goes..

I have a 14 month old son and am pregnant again and due in May. My ex and I had a very on/off relationship and he is the father of both babies.

Basically I didn't know him well when I became pregnant but tried, given the situation and because I was so vulnerable at the time, to make it work. He initially wanted me to have an abortion, I refused. He became interested in the baby when I got a house (he lived with his mum and wanted to move in - I resisted). He went on to be a nightmare through my pregnancy - abusive, manipluative, cheating, lying, alcoholism, agression etc etc. I tried to stick with it but ended up losing my friends and family as they were horrified by his behaviour and gradually withdrew from me because of it. I finally finished it 4 months after I had my baby because he had shown himself to be so dangerous around the baby (pushing him into moving traffic without reason, dropping him almost as if deliberately, handling him drunk etc etc and monitoring all this and protecting the baby from him was too stressful).

He threatened me when I tried to finish it, saying the baby was my weakness and he knew it. He said I'd be sorry and he'd take me to court etc. I was scared for my baby but determined to get away. I tried to start a new life but he kept trying to get to me through saying he wanted to see the baby so I allowed it, while I was present, which is what he wanted. All this went on for some time until I was so downtrodden with all the threats and manipulative behaviour I took him back. I got pregnant again in weeks and when I told him he laughed and said 'I've trapped you this time'. Anyway I ended it for good soon after but he insisted on trying to see my son afterwards- I know this was to scare me as he knew his behaviour worried me). Every time he did this he nearly injured him. The last time I had an ambulance here and he could have paralysed my son with what he did - leaving him to fall off a side when I'd warned him not to leave him. The medical notes of the incident simply say 'both parents present at accident' so I can't prove anything.

Now it's going to court. He's claiming all kinds of things, like he isn't agressive, all these incidents where he was dangerous never happened, also that he lived with us when he didn't etc etc. He looks like a saint if all this is to be believed and I look like I'm completely unreasonable.

I will be heavily pregnant when this goes to court and I'm terrified as I have no evidence of what he's like. I'm so scared as to what he will be awarded. If he gets unsupervised contact he will injure/could actually be responsible for the death of my son and I feel powerless to do anything. He is already demanding contact with the newborn and it isn't even here yet. My lawyer says ignore him, only offer supervised contact etc but won't tell me what is likely to happen in court.

I'm sorry to go on for so long but if anyone has been through anything similar and can advise me of what happened to them, please let me know. I particularly want to know what he can expect in terms of contact with my first son and what he can have with a newborn

Thanks so much in advance...

"he nearly injured him. The last time I had an ambulance here "

there must be a record of this incident - even if none of the others. ask hospital/abulance service

did you discuss with health visitor /midwife/gp?
any record anywhere?

it is likely he will get supervised contact in a contact centre yes - go visit your local centres and find out wrhe they are and what they like

www.naccc.org.uk

Thanks so much for the reply. The record of the incident just says that we were both present which doesn't constitute evidence.

I was, in fact, in the other room at the time which left the ex momentarily in charge. Stupid of me I know but I'd warned him not to leave him on the side so hoped he would be ok for a few minutes. When it all went quiet I thought it was strange and went into the room to check. I saw the ex lying on the bed, far away from my baby, who he'd left on the side where he could easily roll off and it was very high up. Baby saw me at the door and put his arms up, falling off the side. He could well have been paralysed and I spent a whole night checking on him every 20 minutes for signs of something serious. The ex, after causing it, just got drunk and passed out.

He was very quick to say to the paramedics 'she saw it, I was in bed' making it look like I had been responsible. I must have looked annoyed by this (but was more interested in helping my baby, not getting into it) as the records say we were both present.

That's typical of what he does and how he puts him at risk - there's way too many examples to write here - but I have no evidence. I'm so, so worried as a result. We are on a waiting list for supervised contact at a centre but he is demanding unsupervised and so taking me to court.

Please get in touch with Womens Aid and/or Rights for/of Women who offer free legal advice. Make sure your Solicitor has lots of experience in DV/abuse cases.

When it goes to Court all you can do is be prepared and tell the truth.

Good luck!

you'll likely end up with CAFCASS doing a report. this is a good thing. tell them everything,but stay calm.

they will speak to you both

the trouble with contact centres is that they try and move you on fairly quickly,its not ever a permanent arrangement. the baby,i believe for newborns its little and often contact wise.

any family who could supervise longer term?

record every single incident from now on,either in a diary or by calling police....you are going to need something to prove all this in some way if he's playing this game.

social services? ask for advice

Thanks so much for getting back to me. I'm looking at CAFCASS tonight to check that out.

The contact centre offers only 2 hours max every other saturday so little and often for the newborn would have to be a max of that I guess. Does anyone know how quickly I have to take the newborn along to this? I'll be establishing breast feeding for one thing so not great to have to do it straight away.

I also wonder what will happen after the contact centre will no longer take him. Will the court order he has to have contact with me to arrange something between us? I seriously hope not. Does anyone have any experience of this?

My main worry with it is that leaving the ex in charge of one child is a serious concern, let alone one child plus a newborn (the contact centre isn't supervised, just 'supported' so I'm worried no one will keep control over what risks he's taking and stop him from harming them there - yes he really is that worryingly bad). I'll have to bite my tongue on that one I think.

Thanks again to everyone replying. xxx

i managed to get zero contact for my dc father....he got nothing and a section 91(14) to stop him applying to court for 6 years. he is a dangerous man like your ex BUT since we split he got worse and came to attention of the authorities,so built up a criminal record/psych problems which were all documented and could be used in court

if he's as bad as you say i'd be moving away i'm afraid!! far,far away as there is NOTHING that can protect your dc from him without some sort of proof!!

many solicitors here on MN.....wonder if they can think of something.

he will most certainly move on to unsupervised if nothing untoward happens whilst at contact centre

you can get supervised private contact centres,but its ££££

It's good to hear the courts have protected your dc. I've been scaring myself reading horror stories of courts doing the opposite so good to hear.

If there are any solicitors reading or anyone who has anything to add that might help, please let me know as moving onto unsupervised contact after the ex plays a game of pretending to be good is frightening. He will hurt them, it's just a question of when, not if, if left unsupervised.

Unfortunately paying a contact centre is out of the realms of possibility. I'm on income support and struggle as it is. Thanks everyone.

I only got this because my cafcass officer pushed and pushed for me,solicitor wasn't much good really

My ex usedto attempt suicide...... All for control. Never tried too hard iyswim. He said one day be would take the kids with him.....I told cafcass and this made everyone listen.

Ask Womens aid for some advice. I know how helpless you feel

Does he have mental health issues? Crim record?

court can order proper supervised contact and in some cases cafcass would pay for that (tho in wake of cuts...)

i think tho you need more evidence - but, start making all contact/communicatio between you by email so there is a record.

In terms of mental health, he was in a big fight many years ago and was in a coma for quite a while afterwards because of it. I know by his random agressive mood swings he has had some form of brain damage from that but he denies it.

Criminal record wise - I know he has some for violence and drunkeness from years ago but don't know if they'll look at that and not sure what he's had recently as he lies about everything. Will they check his records then do you think? I know his doctor has it on record about his drinking for example as that was while he was with me.

It's so good to hear from you as you have direct experience. My solicitor won't really give advice as such, or talk about possibilities for the future, it's just formal options for arrangements, so this is incredibly helpful thanks xx

they will check police records so if there is anything on record they will find it.
same for you !!

medical records is diffferent due to patient confidentiality

i asked court for a forensic psychiatric assessment....this brought his records out into the court arena. there was escalating and recent stuff in there.....very concerning. the full psych report was sent to me also,which was extrememly shocking to see in print how he had planned to kill me!

this was horrific. not often ordered i dont think,as expensive and time consuming. but legal aid paid for it. and it exposed him fully

i was thinking this could be an option for you perhaps??? i dont know,no harm in bringing it up/discussing it with cafcass or solicitor

Thanks too cestlavielife. It's all through solicitors now so there's no chance of him showing his true colours - he's pretending to be saintly! I only have one email where he admits to putting him at risk on one occasion and then denies it in the next email. That's it. I don't think that will suffice given the gravity of the situation but I'll explain everything to cafcass if that's how it goes and hope..thanks.

tiffany - that's so shocking, I really feel for you going through that. I am definitely going to ask them to do a psych report, that may well be the only way to get to the bottom of it all as he will deny everything. Great advice. Without meaning to sound patrnosing well done for coming through it all as you have. xx

you can certainly put forward a case for asking court to order a psych report - you can tell cafcass of what you know eg the coma etc .

the emails which are erratic and contradict are also important - show he isnt consistent

but depends how he presents to his solicitor/to cafcass/to court.

my exP told a judge in one hearing he had never been mentally ill - he only went to stay in the psychiatric unit voluntarily because i had refused to let him in the home - the last bit was true. i did refuse. and the psych unit v nice has ensuite private rooms...

after 2.5 years of denying any MH* issues, he then tried to use his MH issues "depression and anxiety" to get a finance hearing postponed.. if your ex wants to play the system you in for a long haul.

just stick to your story and your concerns.

• if it was only depression/anxiety it would not be such an issue - probably more likely he has some kind of personality disorder with violent/sociopathic tendencies which is far more insidious and dangerous...

Go to your gp. tell your gp what happens. go to your health visitor. tell them. ss don't seem to be bothered, they just put the responsibility on you to protect from the risky parent. Easier said than done. It is hard to keep an eye on baby all the time, you have to go to the loo sometimes!!! (yes you put the baby somewhere safe D ipstick h /dp moves baby)

Thanks everyone - so good to get your advice and hear your experiences. What nightmare these 'fathers' are. Good luck to everyone else xx