New to this forum

[mrscolour]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum. My marriage has broken down over the last few weeks and this weekend we have decided we are definitely going to end it. I have two children aged 4 and a half and 21 months. I sat in the CAB office this morning not quite believing I'm in this situation.

I am currently living with my parents, me and my husband had come here while our house was on the market in a different part of the country until we sold and now he's moved out. He really frustrated me when we spoke yesterday as he said his first priority would be to find somewhere to live where the children could stay over (he's currently living in a house share) and would want 50% access which is totally unrealistic. He also said that I would just have to stay living with my mum and dad as I wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage - I was hoping to get the current mortgage transferred to another property when we eventually sell and my parents have offered savings to help me buy another property. He is wanting to see the children every day at the moment which I don't feel is helping the kids very much and certainly isn't helping me but I want to keep him on side.

I am actually feeling relieved that the relationship is over though I'm quite cushioned from the reality of it as I'm living with my parents at the mo. I am just dreading trying to get through all the logistics.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

First of all I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My Ex and I split about 18 months ago with my 2 DCs of similar age to yours. We are through the other side now though and life's good!

My advice to you would be to just take each day as it comes; try not to make any major decisions right now as emotions and issues change so much in the first few weeks. Things you and your ex say now may not reflect how you feel about things in the future (in regards to finances/house/contact etc)

Also, if you see a solicitor; take someone with you. I had meetings with mine during the first few weeks of our split but my head was so minced that I could never really remember what was advised. Luckily my aunt came with me so I could discuss the conversations with her.

My ex and I had many hurtful, non-productive conversations in the aftermath of our split which used to leave me completely drained and wrecked. What I found easier was emailing each other. That way you can take time to think about your responses and make sure you don't say or agree to something you may regret.

Lastly, be good to yourself and never be too far from a bar of chocolate/glass of vino/good mates/mumsnet. You will get through this, it just takes time. At times I felt like I'd never get through it all but now I'm perfectly happy and so are my DCs. Good luck x

Sorry you find yourself in this position great advice from doughnut I am 14 months in now and near the end of the journey I hope moving house in a month and about to file for divorce.

I will add that it is a very uneven process recovering and dont despair if you think Oh I am over this and next minute you are down again just go with it as it comes. Time makes such a difference and sadly there are no shortcuts

Good Luck

You are doing just fine, mrscolour! It's not easy for anyone and just because you don't want to be together anymore doesn't mean you don't still feel like someone died. It does get easier, but be prepared for a very hard first year and an emotional rollercoaster.
I think my best advice is to keep an eye on your future. Don't try to seem so reasonable that you just give away all your rights, like to the house money or weekends with your kids. He is going to treat you like an unreasonable witch anyway, so stand up for yourself from the beginning, especially if you have the children because they need you to look after them, including somewhere to live and some normal home time.
Good luck, I do feel for you, but you CAN cope with all this x

welcome to MN
Speak to your lender asap. See if your mortgage can be transferred (I know my one cannot) as it would be better to take advantage of that opportunity rather than having to apply again in the future when your income is uncertain. At the moment you need a deposit of at least 30% I hear (which can be loads)

my suggestion would be to rent somewhere nice for you and the kids, even if it is just for 6-12months till the dust settles (stay near your family you will need there support), that way you may be able to claim housing benefit? its not alot sometimes but it is a godsend.

im 9 months into my split and i was so good in the beginning, my decree absolute is due in a few weeks AND i too can say thank god relationship is over, but i think the reality is hitting home now. All my support network is 100 miles away, my ex family have disowned me ???? nit sure why no one else was involved, things just changed my ex stopped talking then i was diagnosed with ME, that was the final nail in the coffin. some days i wonder if it would be better to let him have custody of kids and go home, becasue some days i cant see the wood for trees and wonder if i will make it through to tea time let alone work 2 kids tea, netball, football etc........ oh sorry ranting, im just saying have a good supprt network some days you will need it.

Good luck with your future.

Thanks for the messages.

There is so much to sort out. We have tried to talk this evening and ended up arguing about money. Basically I will have to put money into the joint account or there's a danger the mortgage won't get paid despite the fact I earn less than half that he does and will need to pay the childminder. He's also trying to lay claim to the children's beds etc to furnish somewhere so the children can stay with him. I feel so angry. I just hope the house sells soon and I can move on.

Do consider though that he wants to find a place big enough for the children to stay over - and presumably you would want that too? Then they can have some time with their dad, feeling comfortable, whilst you have some free time... And that he wants to see them every day - please view that as a positive, rather than something that would be an annoyance.
You will receive CB and maintenance from him, plus your own salary, so I hope, with your parents help, that you will be able to have a comfortable place together. Please dont punish your children (or him) because of your current anger.