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Original poster

Ex pulled DDs hair - i am overeacting?

16 replies

MonkeyandParrot · 05/03/2011 19:02

I've posted on here a couple of times recently about access as my ex only sees the girls two days a month and I am trying to encourage him to see them more.

Today for the first time both DD1 (2 years) and DD2 (1 year) went with Daddy for the whole day as DD2 is finally on solids. 2 hours before i was suppose to collect the girls i got a phone call from ex saying DD1 was upset and wanted to talk to me - cut a long story short DD1 had been acting up all day (pushing DD2, hair pulling and general mischief making) so my ex had decided to teach her a lesson by pulling DD1s hair to show her that it hurt. I am completly agaisnt physcial punishments which he knows as we discussed punishments/rewards when DD1 was a baby and we were still together.

This is the second time this has happened - last May he smacked DD1 in the mouth for biting her sister - and I had stated then that i was not happy with this form of discipline. I spoke to him today explaining that i did understand how diffiuclt it was with two little ones and suggested that he used time out etc instead and he said he'd think about it but that he felt DD1 needed to be taught to emphasise (I feel that a 2.5 year old is too young to emphasise) and that showing her how it hurt was the best way to do this. He's a youth worker and i think he often forgets how young DD1 is.

I am very upset about this (DD1 hasn't mentioned it although she carried on pulling DD2s hair on the 2 hr train journey home so clearly the message didn't sink in) as i am totally against physical discipline. Is there anything I can do? Or I am overeacting?

Sorry for long post :-) Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Meglet · 05/03/2011 19:08

If my XP saw the children (he doesn't, he's an arse) and he did that to them then he wouldn't be seeing them unsupervised. What a twat Angry Sad.

Contact centre?

SaggyHairyArse · 05/03/2011 19:13

"smacked her in the mouth" would have done it for me Angry

I must say after using lots of different approaches (time out/rewards/removing privaledges) I have pinched my DS because he would not stop pinching which completely goes against the grain of what I am about.

That being said,if I only saw my kids for a few hours in a blue moon, I would certainly not be hair pulling or smacking. It's just not on. Double standards maybe ...

Narketta · 05/03/2011 19:16

You are not over reacting at all. If I was in your position I would be seriously considering whether I wanted my DC seeing their father unsupervised. Smacking a 2 year old in the mouth and pulling her hair is never ok.

I feel sad for you and your DD's your ex sounds like a bully. Sad

Original poster
MonkeyandParrot · 05/03/2011 19:21

Just to clarify - what I'm concerned about is that this is the first time that DD1 has misbehaved with my ex as contact has been sparodic. I'm worried that if contact increases my ex will be discipling her more often and therefore physical discipline will happen more often and more likely to have an impact on DD1 and DD2

OP posts:
evolucy7 · 05/03/2011 19:56

My ex left when my DDs were about to turn 1 and 2 years, so similar to your children. They told me that he had smacked them about 6 months later, and it had happened a few times, he knew I was against this. DD1 told me that he smacked DD2 when she hit DD1, even if you did agree with smacking, how hitting a child who has just hit another helps I didn't understand, after all I am sure that many young children go through hitting or pinching or biting, even if only a few times. I know that some people find that doing it back can help, but I am not sure that it would be the first option. My DDs have been through phases of hitting/pinching/biting each other but never other children, but have now(mostly) stopped at 3 and 4 years. Interestingly though after not having contact with their Dad since November, 2 weeks ago when they stayed overnight again, when they came back DD1 pinched DD2, and DD2 bit DD1 about an hour later! The first time that that has happened for months.

Anyway, while I completely understand your concern, do you think he might get better at dealing with them over time? I like to think that I learn about my 3 and 4 year olds all the time. I was not aware before contact stopped last November that he had smacked them again after the initial times. I spoke to him about it then and told him that it was illegal. We were going through the courts at the time, still are actually, so perhaps that worried him.

blinks · 05/03/2011 20:00

i would insist on parenting classes before he had them unsupervised again. also keep a diary of all events/times/conversations.

Original poster
MonkeyandParrot · 06/03/2011 06:53

Thanks everyone - he is a bully but normally a verbal one iyswim and never physical. I think part of the problem is that he was raised in quite a violent home so violence towards children is 'normal'. I think a contact centre is out because you have to referred and we've not used the family courts just an independent mediator.

evolucy i think he might get better over time but im not sure if i want to take that risk. Yesterday was the best visit we've had in that he turned up on time at both the pick up/drop off, remembered to pay my travel expenses and only rang me once. So maybe things will get better.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 06/03/2011 09:21

If I'm being honest, I don't think his behaviour warrants withholding access. It sounds to me like good intentions are there but the methods are erm...lacking.

It all depends on how hard he's doing it and how frequent. When my kids were younger, I used to smack them sometimes to punish them. Now whilst I know many are against this, at the time I came from the school of "Well it did me no harm". Would anyone seriously like to suggest my kids be removed from me?

My point is that on these forums, we often too quickly jump to the conclusion that contact should be withheld for whatever happens which we disagree with. But this can open up a huge can of worms.

If you've split up then like it or not you will have to come up with a sensible plan to co-parent. What you cannot do is expect the ex to simply conform to your plan, anyone more than yours to his.

purplepidjin · 06/03/2011 09:33

I'm a p/t youth worker and am completely capapble of playing appropriately with the DNiece (5) and Nephew (3) I only see a couple of times a month.

From a professional point of view he obviously needs a kick up the arse some more Child Protection training - what they told me in mine about Victoria Climbie, Baby Peter etc was horrific.

evolucy7 · 06/03/2011 11:03

I think for many how you react to other people's children can be very different to your own.

blinks · 06/03/2011 16:34

why don't you at least find out where the next parenting class in your area is and ask if he'll go along with you?

Original poster
MonkeyandParrot · 06/03/2011 18:29

Niceguy - I actually agree that every parent has the right to discipline their child in a way that they are comfortable with. My problem is he has the girls for 12 hrs a month (his choice) and never in a home environment (again his choice) so he actually has no idea whats 'normal' and whats naughty. If i was co-parenting I would happily sit down and reach a compromise but i do not think he can claim to be co-parenting in 12 hrs a month!

Blinks he lives 109 miles away so i'd have no way of getting him to a parenting class but i will suggest it as i did one at my local sure start and found it really helpful

OP posts:
blinks · 06/03/2011 20:03

yes, that's babysitting.

purplepidjin · 06/03/2011 22:36

I can completely understand the "tap on the wrist" method for stressed parents (am not a mum myself) and nearly congratulated a mum in the street recently when her dd tried to run into the busy main road and she slapped her hand as part of the telling off.

However, 6 hours is surely not enough time in which to get to that level of frustration? I work 12 hour shifts with people with learning difficulties, as well as the youth work, and have never felt like that even when I have been punched, bitten, slapped, called every vile name under the sun... Basically a load of stuff that the YC kids wouldn't dream of doing! And I am confident that my colleagues have the same opinion (you meet loads of people on training courses)

electra · 07/03/2011 13:13

You want him to see them more??

He's abusive and as such is going to cause your girls a lot of psychological damage. I think I would try to stop my ex seeing our girls if he ever did such things. A strong view to have, I know but I could not live with a man who treated our children in such a way, either.

sadmum2011 · 11/03/2011 23:58

What is your discipline method when DD1 pulls DD2's hair?

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