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Original poster

What do I do ?

11 replies

farawaytree2 · 05/03/2011 14:00

I have just discovered that I am pregnant by a bloke with whom I have had a fling with over the past 4 years - didn't know for the first 2 years that he was married. I already have a son (9yrs old) from my marriage, whom I have had to raise on my own as well as holding down a full time career - I am 41 and I don't know what to do - the baby's father doesn't want to know. I know perhaps that the most straightforward thing to do would be to have a termination but I keep thinking that this is probably the last chance of having another child, then I start worrying about the Downs risk & paying the mortgage, how ashamed my family will be of me etc etc - any advice ?

OP posts:
hariboegg · 05/03/2011 15:14

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popapill · 05/03/2011 15:27

Have you sought counselling advice for those considering termination? I would have thought there would be something aimed at women in your situation.

Firstly, I wouldn't make a decision on termination based on my family's shame or paying the mortgage tbh. You need to make the decision based on what is right for you - the financial situation will work itself out, there are safety nets to deal with anything else.

Did you have any thoughts about having another child before you found out you were pg? Or is it just that now that this has happened, you're worried it might be your last chance?

How do you feel about the baby's father being involved in the child's life? If you have the child, he will have to be involved to some degree, if only to make maintenance payments (do you know if he's likely to do so willingly and is there enough income to support you?). If he already has children, they will be the child's half-siblings, so you may also have to deal with that.

Will you be able to continue to work if you have the baby? Is your workplace family-friendly?

theresapotatoundermysink · 05/03/2011 15:33

When I found out I was pregnant, although in a very different scenario, I was also unsure about what to do. I was referred to a family planning clinic where I discussed my options with a counsellor. I also went to a termination clinic where I met with a counsellor and had a dating scan.

I decided to continue with the pregnancy and although I came to my decision with help from family and my then partner, these meetings did help as they clarified things and made me think about it from another perspective.

You have to do what you feel is right for you and your family, whilst being aware of the consequences either decision will bring. It's not an easy one.

notsohotchic · 05/03/2011 15:42

Definately don't let other people's shame have any influence over YOUR decision about YOUR life. Having had a termination (as many of us have) and having considered one when I became pregnant with no.3 at the same time as finding out ex-darling partner had been sleeping around... all I can say is consider it very carefully and do what feels instinctively right to YOU. You can still have a fulfilling and happy life as a single parent as you already must know? The father not wanting to know - hmm could maintenence be on his mind perhaps... How much support (emotional, practical)do you have from elsewhere??

Original poster
farawaytree2 · 06/03/2011 13:12

Thanks for your responses - much appreciated. Most of all I want to speak to my mum, but she has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons and lives over 200 miles away - don't think I could put her (or my dad) through the worry & stress right now, especially as they are both in their late seventies.

OP posts:
hariboegg · 06/03/2011 15:49

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corlan · 06/03/2011 15:51

farawaytree - I'd agree with what others have said about not taking into account your family's shame - it's you that has to live with your choice.
I remember the look of disappointment on my mother's face when I told her I was pregnant with DD2 ( as a result of a bad relationship I had just ended). She was in her early 70's at that time - 5 years later, she adores DD2 and gets so much pleasure from having her in her life.

Original poster
farawaytree2 · 06/03/2011 16:47

Feeling v confused !! At the moment I think I have 3 options:

  1. Have a termination now & just get try to get back to normal
  2. Have nuchal scan at 11 wks (currently I am just over 7 weeks) & if risks too high, have a termination asap (thinking about my son & the implications for him when he is older)
3.If nuchal within acceptable limits keep fingers crossed & try and make the best of the situation Bloke is v clear he does not want the baby. Work will be difficult as have full time post senior post in teaching. Think you are probably right in holding off telling parents as can't get to see them face to face until Easter & by then maybe a non-topic. Think I am a bit dense - what is RL ??
OP posts:
shimmerysilverglitter · 06/03/2011 18:20

Do you know what? and I am not sure how helpful this will be, I would LOVE to be in this situation. I would love another child but no-one in sight with whom to have one and I can't be arsed with relationships anyway.

Don't think about anyone elses opinions. THEY DONT MATTER! Only you and what you want to do matters and obviously any impact on your ds. If you feel that you can cope with this situation and it is what you want then do it. I would.

RL is Real Life.

hariboegg · 07/03/2011 17:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbophobe · 07/03/2011 22:37

Go with your feelings - and get your practicalities - money, legal stuff, etc - in place

Never mind what other people think - are they going to be babysitting? No, thought not! Grin

I've done it on my own, and he's off to university now!

(No-body said it would be easy, mind!)

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