DP struggling with stepfather role - any advice?

[McCharlieMouse]

Wise mumsnetters I'm after your advice. I thought I'd post here and in step parents to see if anyone has any helpful advice!

DP and I have been together for 16 months. I have a DS (2.5yrs) from my previous relationship. DS sees exH regularly and they have a good relationship.

DP is lovely we share common interests we talk, we have fun. DP has no children. He moved in just before Xmas after much discussion, things going fine and at times wonderfully well. But one or two warning bells that DP not entirely sure about how things were going. He's not brilliant at communicating but eventually on Monday he said he felt the relationship was moving too fast. He's spent the week away (he still has his house...one of the warning bells!) and last night he came round to talk. It seems he has huge self esteem issues and is incredibly insecure about everything to do with where he fits in, my DS and my ExH.

He's struggling to explain how he feels and I'm struggling to understand. I've posted in step parenting as well to try andget a point of view from the other side. But any other lone parents out there trying to work anything like this out. It can't be uncommon but I just feel that DP thinks he's on his own with it.

Some of the things DP said last night:

• he feels the relationship is inbalanced. Me and DS a 'family unit' with him on the side
• he's insecure about me seeing Exh (every other weekend at DS drop off and pick up)
• he doesn't know what his role is when we see my family and friends (family and friends always welcoming and delighted to see me happy with DP as ExH was a bit of a shit!)
• his feelings for DS are different to mine and doesn't how to deal with that
• he's picked DS up from nursery twice for me when I was stuck and said he feels very wierd 'picking up someone else's child'

I do realise how hard it is, and I try and put myself in his shoes. I tell him how I feel about him and the respect I have for him. He interacts well with DS and they do things together. DS sometimes a little challenging but thats because he's 2.5! DP doesn't really know how to deal with that and often takes it very personally.

So I'm stuck. I want to help but DP is at a point where he just feels I don't understand and he wants to work it out himself. I can't see a future with him unless he does.

Help! Any advice appreciated!

how old are both?
have you discussed long term and having more children?

I'm 36 he's 40. We've discussed long term in a general way...plans, dreams etc. He said he's definitely like children (although that was before he moved in he might have changed his mind now he's life with a 2.5 yr old!). We haven't discussed anything long term recently as I don't think he can get his round short term right now.

When my ExP became pregnant she already had a 6 year old DS from her previous marriage, therefore in my case it was moving in with mother, big change, understanding the role and responsibilities of care for a child, big change, becoming a farther, big change. Needless to say the stresses of all these changes simply ment that after a few years the relationship simply imploded.

I'm not sure the relovence of this, it's just an anecdote, but don't underestimate the stress caused by too many changes happening too soon.

I've been a stepparent twice. Well this is the second time around for me.

My first instincts is that you need to set him some expectations. In many ways being a SP is way harder than being a single parent and it must be terrifying for someone who has no kids and therefore no reference point.

With my previous GF, when we moved in, she simply just expected me to pick up the father role and love her kids just like that. The pressure I was put under was counter-productive. I ended up second guessing my every move. Eg. Do i give them a hug? If so, do i have to then give my kids a hug to make sure they don't feel left out?

What I've said to my now partner was that I expected nothing from her except to be my children's friend. They see their mum regularly. For me it was more important that they got on than have an authority figure in their lives. I suggest for now that you do the same. So far it's working very well for us. I feel a lot closer to her son in a year than I ever did to my ex's kids after 4. Because there's no pressure. I get to have the fun and enjoy him. And vice versa.

My point is that the best way to "help" your DP is to remove the stress for him. Tell him what you expect and leave it at that. The rest is up to him to find where he wants to be.

Ultimately though one lesson I learned back when I was a young(er) single dad is that love is sometimes a luxury a single parent cannot afford.

Maybe you need to take a step back for a bit? Appreciate this could be awkward with your DS. But he still has his house, so it could be possible. Taking a step back doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is doomed, just giving you both some breathing space. It sounds like he is feeling very out of his depth with DS - does he want to take more responsibility for him or not? Maybe he doesn't really know what he wants at the moment? But I think you really need to talk about what his role is with DS and as part of your family unit before he moves in fully.

Also, why is he "insecure" about you seeing your ExH? surely he knows the relationship has been over a long time and presumably you wouldn't even have contact if it weren't for DS. Is he secure about you having any contact with men (e.g. male friends) or just your ex, because of the history? Are you not friends with any other of your exes?

But you are right all of these things are things he needs to work out himself. You can discuss stuff with him but the decision has to be his in the end - and that's the hardest thing!

Thanks - good advice niceguy and bertiebotts particularly about setting some expectations. I guess I've just let things run there course expecting things to work out - maybe thats just too much and too vague and means DP doesn't know where he fits in.

I really don't know where the ExH insecurities come in, I don't have that many male friends so nothing to compare it to. I have tried to reassure DP that Exh is purely DS's Dad and we are civil and talk for that reason only.

Taking a step back is scary and I do tend to just leap to the conclusion that all is doomed if that happens so nice to hear someone say that maybe it isn't!

Huge alarm bells would be ringing for me. When he moved in, you were making a new family unit... Yet you've only discussed ling term vaguely? Probably a mistake not to have discussed this stuff before, but seems to me he is not ready to be a step parent (I speak as one).

I think taking a step back sounds like a good idea too. You were only together for 13 months before moving in, so it's not surprising that he feels rushed and under pressure.

I'm not too surrpised that he feels insecure regarding contact with ExH. From his pov, it's someone you have a history with and a shared link (DS) that he doesn't understand (not being a parent himself). Obviously it's something that he'll have to learn to deal with, but it won't come naturally and it's something that will need shared work between you in defining boundaries etc.

Have you discussed marriage at all? Probably one of the reasons he feels that he doesn't have a defined role in your family's life is that it's not recognised in any way. I don't think he's legally regarded as a stepfather until you're married.

Yep I think a few steps back make sense, in hindsight all a bit quick and too much to take on. I don't think he is ready to be a step parent - when I've used the term I can see him shudder slightly! I think thats part of the problem, he feels a little bit stuck in between, he's not just my boyfriend, but he isn't yet a stepparent, iyswim? So his role isn't defined....

We had discussed long term things before moving in we just hadn't dotted the i's and crossed the t's...so to speak! But maybe we could have figured a few more things out at that point and communicated a bit better. It seems obvious now looking back.

Well doesn't sound like huge damage has been done :) Can you get a babysitter, go out or go to his house perhaps and just talk this stuff over? Try to keep it calm and neutral and make it clear you don't want to lose the relationship that you have, you just think maybe you moved a bit quickly and wanted to talk it through.

At least he has been completely up front with you about his feelings, rather than letting things go further and risk any impact on DS. Has he moved into what was the MH?

I'd consider counselling - my DH had it when he was struggling with DD (he is her stepfather and they went through a very difficult patch when she became a teenager). Step parenting is really, really hard - and as he has no DC's of his own, he's having to try to learn how to parent as well, whilst the 'real thing' is around - no wonder he's insecure!

I'm sure you have discussed living together in depth, but it's a bit like discussing a birthing plan for your first child - often the reality is very, very different. And a bit scary. And messier. With more screaming and far fewer drugs than you'd thought...

Thanks all for the advice. I like the analagy balia! When we moved in we tried (too hard) to answer all questions about all eventualities and got very stressed about it, in the end we just said let see how it goes...a bit one extreme to the other.

I hope no damage has been done I don't want to loose what we've got but there is a fear he's going to turn round and say its all too difficult...

I actually think that you two have a good chance as you seem to be communicating and he has very sensibly relayed his feelings.That means he has thought about it (big tick) and he knows it important to get it right (big tick).

The insecurity about your ex is natural - it was only a few years ago you had a child with this man so it normal for him to question if the link is fully broken.
It is hard to love another child, so he has started the tough parenting role first. Most people become a parent, then if they are hardcore become a step parent:)

The nursery moment for him might have been the equivalant of when you take your baby home from hospital and you suddenly realise you are actually the parent and you have the responsibility and there is no handbook. I think we can all relate to that feeling, the wow, am I really grown up enough for this??
I would just question his background - he's 40 so has he had long term relationships or has he avoided them? Has he wanted children?