DD doesn't want to see Father - what to do? Advice please :)

[ginnyjeans]

So - 2 weeks ago DD made a huge fuss about not wanting to see her dad (my stbxh). She hadn't seen him in five weeks before that. He travels 3 hours to see her. I said he is coming a long way and wants to see you etc. She is 9. Sat morning she work up and was crying she didn't want to see him, could I tell him she was sick etc. I made her go on the visit and she seemed to enjoy.

It's friday and he is coming tomorrow and here we go again. As soon as she finished school 'I don't want to see Daddy'. Apparently she says it's boring (he drags her around shops ALL day long, receives constant texts from his g/friend and it's cold). She might get a book or 2 out of it. And usually he will take her for a meal (although this week would like me to pack something for her to eat (I said no! Bring your own pack up!). I can't be doing with the hassle. He will just say it's my fault but I'm the one encouraging her to see him.

What should I do? Any advice?

is there a contact order?

at 9 she cant be messing you around. assume you enjoy the break too. i would just not make a fuss about it and be calm,but i would make her go. longer term,she may enjoy a relationship with her dad,so its worth pushing her to work at it imo.

Yes, will try and push her through it. Talking to her dad did not help whatsoever, he ended up crying on the phone to her and then blamed me that she doesn't want to see him. What a mess divorce is hey. Plus I had about 2 hours sleep last night and am at the end of my tether.

No, no contact order. I kind of do enjoy the break, but it's only for 7 hours. Sigh. It does get better doesn't it?

Often children have unspoken fears for not wanting to see the other parent. In your dd's case it seems that she dreads the thought of it but is happy enough once she has time with him. Could it be that the time inbetween visits is too long and as a result she doesn't feel relaxed. Another reason could be that she doesn't like the tension between her parents (at the handover) so worries about that in advance. She may also feel that she is betraying you by going. Often the reasons are not valid (& not caused directly by the parents) but in the child's mind it is real.

It might be useful to remind her that she had a good time last time, that her dad loves her, and that you are happy that she spends time with her dad. Also worth encouraging her to speak to her dad - let her know she can talk to him and he wants her to be happy. If you could suggest other things that might work for them - rather than being in the cold that would be useful. The payoff for a child in having a good relationship with both parents are well documented. It does require effort post divorce but for the child's sake I think it's worth it.

Also imagine what it is like fo rher dad. he drives for 3 hours to get to her to see her for 7 hours. He might not know where else to take her than to the shops and for something to eat - it's not like he can take her back to his home and enjoy some time there together doing normal things - they've got to stay out somewhere neutral. Can she not go and spend the weekend at his place and therefore have a more "normal" time with him?

Thanks for the advice. He wanted to talk to her last night and she told him how she felt (because he thinks it's me interfering and it really isn't). He then asked her would she come up and stay with him and she was very firm that she didn't want to (he is living with another woman who has her own 2 kids) and he started to cry on the phone! Then I felt totally bad for him. But DD was distraught at him crying, which I don't think he should have done. She's a little thing and doesn't need the responsibility of feeling like she has upset him. Anyway, I talked to her and said she must see him and he loves her very much and wants to see her and that's why he got upset.

So - he came today and he told me it was awkward at first but she enjoyed it. Then DD told me about five mins after he left that he cried again when they were sat in the car waiting for me. I phoned him and we managed to chat a bit - in an adult manner for a change...(things have not been good between us).

Ok - here is the thing. I'm not crazy on the idea of her staying 3 hours away with him and his g/friend (who is still married to her own husband btw) and her two kids. BUT if DD wanted to go - I would support her. However, she emphatically does not want to go. She is 9 and yes that's young but it's also old enough for her to know what she wants and what she doesn't want. She has never met his g/friend. DD is extremely close with me, stbxh is not a great communicator. If he had not got into this relationship so quickly after we split, had been more respectful I might feel differently about his g/friend and encourage my daughter more to stay with him. I just can't bring myself to do it. Maybe some of you might not agree with how I feel but at the end of the day, he has not put his child first (long story). He doesn't work properly so can't afford to really do much. I've tried to encourage him to have more contact in between visits with telephone contact, emails. But he doesn't do it. We are a year down the line now. It's like all parental responsibility went out of the window for him. He's never even enquired about how things are at school, health wise - just completely absent really. Sigh.

I've said to give it more time and see how it goes.

TBH - it sounds like your daughter has picked up on your vibes. You might feel ex is 'absent' and fair one, if he has chosen to move 3 hours away (or is that total journey time?) but he obviously carse about her enough to bother and sometimes if we are very upset it is nigh on impossible not to cry!

I don't think things will get any better if you just leave things - you're putting your DD into a really artificial situation. I'd be really hard pressed to keep my DC's warm and entertained for 7 hours with no home to go to - the relationship is only going to get back on track if they get to spend some normalised family time together.

By asking her what she wants to do, given that you have clear feelings about what you want her answer to be, you put her in the position of having to choose between you. It's not her fault he got into a new relationship - I don't think he's the only one who isn't putting her needs first.

she shouldnt be given the choice at 9,i agree with Balia. a court,if it went that far,would see a relationship with her father as more important than her saying 'i dont want to go'

she's picking it up from you!!

do you give her the choice about going to the dentist? or school when she wants a day off? no! because its in her long term best interests to be made to go!

I don't voice my opinions/thoughts or feelings in front of my daughter, so I don't know how she is picking up vibes from me. She really has no idea what I want her answer to be. I've asked her simply if she would like to go and stay with her Dad (he has only moved in with the g/friend recently) and she has said she does not want to. She hasn't met the girlfriend, her dad has not even ever spoken about the girlfriend in front of her. Her dad has asked her the question separately and she has also said no.

I know what you are saying and I do appreciate your comments. Will give it some thought.

Would your daughter be happier do you think if you went along too and spent some time with her and her Dad?

I know that this really might not be your idea of fun and you'd miss your time alone, but over the last month I have done this for my 2 DDs and it has helped. They had been adamant that they did not want to see him, but I took them to him and we all spent an hour in the park, (and I hate the guy!) but 2 weeks later they said they were happier to go again.

You don't have to 'voice' your opinions to a child of 9 in order for them to pick up your feelings. You've already said that were it not for your feelings, you would be more supportive of her going.

It's worse if the pair of you are asking, TBH! Really, you should both be firmly telling her that the adults will sort out when she sees Dad. By all means allow her to voice her concerns (nerves about the new house, will you be lonely without her etc) but making choices of this magnitude is too much responsibility for a child of this age.

What about mediation for you and your ex? It is so hard to get it right for kids after a bad break-up, and all your friends tell you what you want to hear (IME) there really should be more independent, neutral support.

Can you get your ex to introduce his gf and your dd on neutral grounds so she can get to know her. Then she may feel more comfortable going to stay with her dad and his gf.

I know how you feel - my ex has had a range of women in and out of his house sonce we split -my 2 DSs have hated going to his house, hated the way he ignores them when they are there in favour of the latest woman. Currently they have refused to stay with him since a disastrous visit last summer. At the age of 9 your daughter will be starting to make her own decisions about her Dad - my 2 were certainly realising what an idiot their Dad was by then - I did a sterling job of never ever being unpleasant about him, encouraging their relationship - I even invited him on our holidays a few times so he could develop a relationship with them. Now my younger one won't even speak to him on the phone, the older one just did a 1 night stay with him - sadly I think the main reason he has renewed the relationship is that he is at an age where he can see the potential benefits of having a relationship with his Dad -in terms of financial gain!
At the end of the day -it is down to your ex to be adult, think of his daughter, and do what is best for her.