Does he really not understand the flip side of the coin???? Grrrr

[ginnyjeans]

Have had some not nice texts from my stbxh today. He owes me money and I asked him for some of it and as per usual he doesn't have it. Mmm. He's never been much of a worker, so shock horror (runs his own business - badly). However, I am left with a major debt that he will not contribute towards (despite protestations to the contrary - but he has yet to pay even £10 towards any - 1 year on).

He lives 3 hours away, I have full parental responsibility (as in, not by court order, but practical fact) for DD - he hardly even contacts her in between his 7 hour visit to see her every other week. I make sure she is fed, clothed, has a warm bed to sleep in. He has moved in with another woman (also married) whom he met 8 weeks after we split who has 2 little girls. He doesn't even have my DD overnight ever - so I get no free time (unless I organise babysitters). And he says that I spit out my 'dummy' every time I don't get my way. Um, my way! You OWE me the money.

Oh - and he kindly informed me today that we had lots of problems in our marriage and it wasn't a very good marriage. Yes, yes, we did. He was an immature 'knob' for want of a better word (sorry), who had to be constantly pushed and pulled along. He never did anything for anyone else voluntarily and managed to take DD to Macdonalds ONCE in the 7 years he was with us after she was born (yes, THE only outing alone with her ever). He never opened or dealt with a bill, never organised a mortgage. Was always unhappy, had no ambition - why did I waste years and years with him! But you see - HE was unhappy. Poor guy hey.

He tries to put everything onto me. Why can't he see things from my point of view and try and bend over backwards to help?

Twat.

Sounds like a total ARSE, I have a total ARSE ex too....ha ha that some other woman has to put up with them now eh :)

I don't suppose you could take him to court for the money?

Sarjose - he is an arse. Yes, silly woman! I think many of us do have these awful arse exes hey!

No, can't take him to Court, no point really. He doesn't work properly. He can't even afford to put credit on his phone. He does pay me maintenance regularly (so far - one redeeming feature I suppose) but any other money he owes - nope. He put us in a totally bad financial position .... which he has now walked away from and I'm left with the fall out. I've come to terms with the fact it will be me sorting this out. I'll plow through it at some point. Sigh. It just annoys me that he doesn't get extra work to pay me back. Wishful thinking.

It also annoys me how he is with me. He even had a go at me recently for taking DD to see an 'age inappropriate film' (12A). I deemed DD mature enough to see it and it was absolutely fine (it was the movie 'unstoppable' about the runaway train. For goodness sake - he isn't even here to see to anything for her, how dare he criticise my parenting!!! And to have the cheek to say all that about our marriage when really, it was me that had the shitty end. He had the life of riley. What was I thinking. Just kept hoping he would grow up and take responsibility. I don't think he is capable of that.

And here is a weird thing - a few times now, he has returned her with a slip showing how much she weighs. She is 9, in age 9 - 10 clothes, total normal body for that age. What the hell is that about?

What a weirdo.

Jeez he must think he's father of the century or something lol,again,my ex the same...said to me other day 'he's dressed in this every time I see him'(about our baby)I said 'what,once a week? if you're that bothered buy him some clothes' to which he replied 'oh I was only joking'.They are just selfish idiots I give up trying to work him out

Me too Sarjose! Similar kind of things with me - I had a text from my ex yesterday asking me to provide a pack up for when he takes DD out tomorrow. I told him - make your own sodding pack up!! I mean - really!?!

They must be deluded hey to not realise what they are like!?! But yes, sometimes you have to just accept that you can't work out why they are like they are or why they have done what they have done. And that's when wine comes in handy ;)

Had to lol because it sounds like my exh

• he looks after dcs for a couple of hours in my house and expected food etc to be there for them - finally he got the message (by my repeatedly telling him that he should provide tea or leaving fridge empty) So sometimes he extends to beans on toast or at a push a deli chicken (actually they're quite tasty)

• makes all sorts of snidey comments about ds2 weight (is there a theme here?) and the clothes he wears.

• usually only sees them for 24 hours every other

Sat and expects me to drop off and collect

• failed to realise the additional costs fall upon me

when he doesn't fulfil the above

I had some counselling a while back (to try to work our ways of dealing with him) and one of the things the counsellor said was that in some ways we still related to each other as if we were still married. The expecting you to do a 'pack up' is indicative of that.

Mine also makes weird remarks about making sure they have had a bath before they come over - he's trying to subtely make me look bad parent and so on.

The best time I managed to wrong foot him and wipe that smugness of his face was when he insisted I take ds2 to gp about weight (he is a bit overweight I accept but we don't agree on the strategies to deal with it). He was referred to dietitian - three of us went and she asked what my concerns were - I said well I don't have any particular concerns - exh lookes so shocked but couldn't say anything because ds2 was also present.

Im really not vindictive or bitter but have had to learn ways of dealing with exh as he is an arch manipulator/control freak who made me feel very unhappy whilst we were married, ground me down and my self esteem crumbled.

work out ways of dealing with him!

I can so relate to you ladies, sounds just like my manipulative, cunning, selfish and controlling ex (and thats just the good points...lolll)

Ginnyjeans 'He tries to put everything onto me. Why can't he see things from my point of view and try and bend over backwards to help?'

Mine does that too, anything I say he just puts back onto me. I think its a tactic just to divert attention away from him and his actions.
Its prob easier to do that, than to actually look at himself and to try and change his selfish ways.

I also wonder how and why on earth I wasted so many years of my life on him, I guess sometimes I did hope that he would change. :(
But the only way he kept going was down.....

The situation will never be as you'd like it to be. He'll never suddenly become a decent human being. The best thing you can do is accept it and move forward.

A healthy dose of indifference to his mind games and a plan of action for clearing the debt alone is required. It isn't fair and it isn't right but getting upset won't change it any.

As an adult you can only take responsibility for your own actions, those of others are based on their choices, over which you'll never have any control.

You can look in the mirror and hold your head high, he can't. Let him deal with that, while you build a decent life for yourself and your child.

The game of control is played by both parties, remove yourself mentally from the court of play, don't return the ball by reacting to his nonsense.

So long as your child knows full well when she looks back on her childhood as an adult that you did your absolute best at all times, no matter the difficulties thrown at you everything will eventually be OK. Sooner or later he'll be called to account by hs adult child and explaining why he made the choices he did, and doesn't command the respect he expected will be his issue.

Long term NOTHING upsets them more than knowing you are happy and content having a nice life without them. It's perfect revenge : )

Bochead, very wise words. Thanks for sharing. :)