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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Advice Again Please!

11 replies

wirral · 28/02/2011 22:41

Sorry - at the moment, I seem to be lurching from trauma to trauma. This week's is...

Ex told me daughter got her school results tomorrow, Tuesday and we arranged for us all to go out for a meal whilst she opened them etc.

Mum's from school have told me that the results are sent out Tuesday and we get them Wednesday. Ex is working until 7pm Wednesday, so I asked him if I could pick daughter up from school and she could open her results.

Ex tells me that daughter will wait until he gets home as he has arranged for his Mum to collect her from school and we can all go for a meal when he gets home. I'm out between 6.30pm and 8.30pm on Wednesday so have just explained this to him. He's just texted me to ask why I can't put daughter first. Am I wrong? I could see daughter before 6.30pm and after 8.30pm.

Oh and he bought her new mobile phone today - not her birthday, not Christmas, for no reason!

I am losing this battle aren't I?

OP posts:

lilacisinlove · 28/02/2011 22:47

What are you doing at 6.30? Is it something you can skip or postpone? If not, then you are putting DD first and as long as she is happy about the arrangements, that's what really matters.

Is her dad expecting good results and wanted to treat her?

Is it a battle? Does it have to be one?

Original poster

wirral · 28/02/2011 22:57

No ir's a fair point Lilac, I could probably rearrange my plans but there is history to this. I feel as though I am only "allowed" to see daughter when ex has plans. I had her for 2 nights over half term as he was away playing golf, yet if I ask to have her for full weekend (2 nights) he tells me daughter doesn't want to stay with me.

It would suit him for her to get results tomorrow as he is off work. I however am supposed to change my arrangements for Wednesday.

Oh I don't know, it isn't worth the fight and I don't think I have the strength to make this an issue

Thanks anyway

Oh, I have no idea whether she will pass or not. She should (in my totally unbiased opinion!!!) but who knows??

OP posts:

lilacisinlove · 28/02/2011 23:01

Choose your battles carefully and bite your tongue if you have to. Isn't DD old enough to voice her own opinion on whether she wants to stay with you over the weekend or not? She has the right to see you.

Whatever happens, I hope that you and DD are pleased with her results, I bet she has worked really hard.

Niceguy2 · 28/02/2011 23:10

Am I right in thinking like my situation, your DD lives mainly with her dad then?

Personally I don't see anything wrong in asking DD to wait until he gets home. But then neither is you asking unreasonable too.

The important thing is what does DD think to this? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to wait until 8pm until dad gets back. Esp when all her friends have prob opened it and Facebook is awash with the low down on how everyone has done.

Smadarama · 28/02/2011 23:56

Hi Wirral, sorry to hear about this latest incident. I tend to think that you might be best just to let this one go. It does sound like it's a little different to usual in that it's a genuine mix up not entirely about your exH's convenience or DD's whim. If you really don't want to miss it, change your arrangements & bite your tongue. I feel for you, I really do.. Take Care & have a good night's sleep x

Original poster

wirral · 01/03/2011 21:47

Thanks all for the support and advice.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain the whole sequence of events but here goes:

Daughter lives with exhusband. He tells me daughter is getting results today (Tues) and suggests we go out for meal whilst she opens them. So far so good.

Yesterday (Monday) I speak to Mums from school and they tell me that results are out today but we don't get them until Wednesday. I text ex to tell him and suggest that I pick daughter up from school on Wed (as he is working) and she either opens them there and lets him know (niceguy is right - she won't want to wait).

He doesn't believe me that they aren't sent until Wed and sends me texts telling me so.He tells me that he has arranged for his Mum to pick daughter up from school as he is working. As well as telling me that I am not putting daugher first as I am out between 6.30 and 8.30 on Wed. Texts stop when I eventually say that if his version of events is correc then there will be no problem as she will be getting results tonight and we will go for meal (safe in knowledge that this won't be happening)

On way into work today I was getting texts from daughter asking me if I still wanted to go for meal tonight (yes!) and telling me that her Dad was going to ask in school re results.

I get text in work at 5pm from ex asking if I want to go for meal. He has telephoned the education authorities and found out that I am correct. I go for meal with them both and daughter begs me to pick her up tomorrow.

I know this is a long story - sorry. I'm trying to get it clear in my head. I am really not too sure what is going on at the moment

OP posts:

Smadarama · 01/03/2011 23:02

It's really up and down for you at the moment isn't it? Good that she asked you to pick her up tomorrow - what did exH say to that?

Original poster

wirral · 02/03/2011 12:54

It is so up and down. I seem to lurch from one mess to another. A friend asked me in work what was wrong with me last week (with hindsight that was when exh told me daughter felt awkward staying with me) and I struggled to remember what the trauma was last week as I've moved onto a new one now

Daughter is coming home to my house after school. I had suggested this but was told that this wasn't possible as ex's mum was picking up.

Sorry - I just can't decide sometimes whether I'm going a bit mad. Ex tells me daughter doesn't want to see me. I know she sends him emails and texts when she's with me. Daughter then asks to see me.

My phone was on silent last night and I woke up this morning to a couple of texts from her telling me how worried she is about exam results and how she couldn't speak to her Dad. I feel rubbish as phone was on silent so I didn't get texts.

Not sure how much of this I can take. I sometimes think that for my own sanity I need to back off a bit and just let things take their course.

Going to much needed yoga lesson tonight!

Thanks again Smadarama and the rest for the shoulder to cry on and the advice

OP posts:

mmsmum · 02/03/2011 16:56

Wirral I know I keep saying this but I think you are doing brilliantly!

You are getting along really great with DD, are you not over the moon at your text messages? Have you asked her directly if she liked staying with you last time?

I know your ex is driving you mad but that's what they do. It does sound like he wants you to change your plans to suit his but I think others are right, if it's not a big thing don't make it one.

Stay strong!

Original poster

wirral · 02/03/2011 20:24

Thank you mmsmum. I probably am doing better than I think, it's just not the situation that I want!

Ex and I got together at my house tonight and daughter opened her results. She passed! About 10 minutes later some of her friends turned up and she went out to play with them. She's now staying here the night and I'm taking to school tomorrow! Whoop!

Yogas been given a miss but it's worth it!

OP posts:

Smadarama · 02/03/2011 21:17

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