Clubs etc and contact

[bubbles1510]

Hi

just want some advice/ opinions on what you guys do and what a judge may have ordered with re to the following

Ex doesn't drive, lives 15.5 miles away, I fled the family home with the children 2 yrs ago.

We have final hearing for the children approaching and my problem is
ex wants fri through to sun, not a issue but the children have just begun swimming lessons on a sat morning at 9am in my town.

Now it would mean both girls getting up at 6.30 to catch a taxi, 2 trains and a bus to get to the pool! Would the court see this as appropriate for them, I think ex should continue to have from 12noon sat until sunday tea time (again monday morning a problem because of no car and distance)to enable me who lives half a mile away to do the swimming lessons.
That being said in the order could be issued that if/when ex holds a full UK licence he could then have from fri afternoon or if/when he was to live with a partner who was willing to assist him.
I am not happy in relying on his friends because if they can't be bothered one week or car breaks whatever my girls miss their lesson etc
Also in holidays contact could start on the friday as there would be no saturday swim.

Do you think this is acceptable or is a judge likely to award him every saturday ( I work mid week and with clubs etc I would then only have 1 night per week with my children straight from school) because I have been percieved to be difficult and book in these lessons?

The children adore their swimming lessons, it's something I feel is a life skill and they immense pleasure from them.

I am panicking that a judge will award every saturday because of these lessons restricting the every other wknd to one night in term times, and I want to have every other wknd too for for fun and family times, but don't see why my girls should miss their swimming because he can't drive!

Does it make sense? Am I being reasonable in offering fri night once a licence has been obtained, school hols or a partner he lives with can do it?

Sad isn't it when you can't even give your children the pleasure of swimming without worrying :( xxx

Why cant the father take them swimming in his own town? It does not really matter where they take their lesson, does it?

Is he proposing to have them every weekend or every other? I don't think a judge would order that he had them every weekend?
How old are the children? Will they always have to have the lessons on a Saturday morning, as they progress won't the day/time change? Is there no option of a lesson on any other day? If it has to stay on Saturday morning, could you go and collect them and take them back?

Thanks for replying

No he cant take them swimming in his own town because these are paid for lessons that are run by the swimming pool here and I pay a substantial amount every term so missing every other week would be pointless. The leisure centres can't just swap and change.

The children are 8 and 5, there is a chance the day and time may change, saturday works at present because both each do a church club on wednesdays, elder dd does brownies tuesday and youngest ballet on thursdays. They adore these clubs and I feel that is enough midweek for them, they need to relax and be kids too :)
I can't go and collect them and bring them back, sorry. I have been bullied and abused for years and this sadly would be another opportunity for him to have control over me :( also they would go on a friday night have 12 hrs then I would be heading back for them which would mean a 90 mile round trip for me in that time and I can't afford that.

He isn't as far as I know asking for every wknd but he does want 2 nights on his wknds, so he will hit the roof about these swimming lessons which means he then may ask for every wknd, and he will argue that I've booked these lessons to be difficult which is not the case, hearing isn't for 3 months yet so I didn't see why we can't carry with our life at present, you can't not do stuff just because of a hearing that far away.

As I said I just don't want the judge to award him every wknd one night because of these lessons, they are something the children love but I don't want them to miss out because he's too lazy and wont get a driving licence (he's had plenty of opportunity and money!)
Friday nights could be at school holidays, and when he learns to drive?

xxxxx

Your ex is unlikely to get every weekend unless you agree to it.
You can argue the point for swimming lessons, but if your ex was saying to you 'The girls are busy with clubs they enjoy and so can't see you' how would you feel? AT the end of the day is the time at the lub more important than seeing a parent who they don't see that much of already...? You'll have to show the judge why you think it is, or compromise on time elsewhere (give him more).

Playing the devils advocate.

If your ex only sees your DDs every other w/e I would think he would want to make the most of that time. If he now wants to start that on a Friday instead of a Saturday he obviously wants more time with with them.

From your perspective one swimming club on a Saturday morning is a relatively short activity. To him it's a sizable chunk of his limited time with his DDs. Not only does it deprive him of a Saturday morning with them but also the Friday night. It's all relative.

And I say this as a guy facing a simillar situation ( though no legal stuff ) . My XP wants to start DD on a Saturday club. I object as I only see DD every other w/e and loosing a morning with my DD is actually a substantial chunk of our valuable time together.

It's a difficult one and the reason why my DS didn't do any clubs at all at weekends. However, I know a lot of kids play football or rugby and this can only be done at weekends, fortunately my DS was never interested in either. By not letting them do anything, this can make them feel "odd" for simply not having parents who live together because they can't do what their friends do.

I think there is a fine line between treating the child as a possession and wanting to spend time with them. It depends on what Dad will be doing with them. If they're just dumped in front of the TV or left with a step parent, then in my opinion, the children would be better being at their club. However, if their Dad is hands on and spending quality time with them in this time, then I think this is more important than a swimming club.

Ultimately it has to be about what is best for the child and personally I think the children should do their swimming club whilst with you and miss out when they are with their Dad, if he is a good Dad. I realise that means you have to pay even when they don't go, but you would be paying anyway.

How old are the children?

I have this problem ATM as my ex moved 2 hours away.

Personally I think it is really selfish to move away from your children and then kick up when they cant just drop everything to be at yours.

My kids are missing out on school teams, parties and other activities as their dad wont get up and take them. My youngest is very competitive in his sport and is starting to really resent this.

I am trying to move house ATM which will take us closer to ex and hopefully solve the problem as my kids get older. But it is a problem.

I think it is highly unlikely that a judge would prioritise swimming lessons over time with a parent, TBH. It is unlikely that one overnight a week would be acceptable as an alternative, either. I think the most likely outcome is that the judge will order a full weekend every fortnight and you would be expected to sort out clubs with the other 12 nights a fortnight you get with the kids.

Agree with balia, time with the parent will be more important. If this was a medical appointment then it would be different. As these lessons times have just started then I think you will need to show willingness and demostrate that you are open to other ideas, otherwise it could be seen as an attempt to block access which will work against you. Also the courts have experience of mums deliberately restricting nights so that the CSA assessment is higher and this is frowned upon.

I think you should look at options - swimming in his town, alternative swimming times (days of the week or even Sunday night, which a friend of mine does because that was all that was available for her son). From experience - dates for classes do move around as the children get older so it's not sensible to base a children's access to a parent based on a certain class. Hopefully the dad will drive and that will make life easier - 15 miles isnt ideal but a whole lot better than some parents who live hours away.I'm sure you'll find a way to facilate your children spending time with their dad (which really is important for their mental health) and learn a life skill like swimming.

OP...I am in similar situation although my ex lives in the same town!
Is there no way that your ex could collect and return the children himself for contact? Why do you have to do it?
From my experience of swimming lessons, if you have just started this current course in 3 months time won't it be nearly the end of this set of lessons? Children then tend to move groups anyway don't they?

15 miles is where our nearest swimming pool / supermarket is and I would think nothing of driving there. Public transport is not great out here, but it would certainly be possible to get to and fro from a swimming lesson as many people do.

I would avoid organising something regular on a weekend, as I think it's up to xh what he does with dd during his time with her. And I think in your circumstances it may look like you've done this to prevent him having time with the girls.

I think it is possible that every weekend ends up being split between you. If it were me I'd go for alternate weekends and give up the idea of swimming lessons on a Saturday.

If you really want them to learn to swim you could look into intensive school holiday courses, or maybe a teacher who would do alternate Saturdays for just the two of them. Our pool do things like that.

what would be the cost of a minicab from his place to swimming and back to his place? would you offer to pay it?

only way if he does not drive.

otherwise you have to accept they only go alternate weeks.

Thanks for your replies,

I've taken onboard all that has been said and have rearranged with the leisure centre swimming lessons around week days.
I now have one swimming on a monday and one on a tuesday while the other does Brownies.

It's exhausting along with my work commitments but I'd rather that and ensure that my girls never have to miss what they love and enjoy because someone wont obtain a driving licence through laziness.

I do not wish to be percieved as difficult by the courts, which is not why I booked their lessons, so I have moved the days based on your opinions and advice.

I only hope in the future as the children grow and their social lives change that he is as adaptable. I somehow doubt it.

What does happen when an older child puts their foot down and says 'no' I am doing this that or the other ( it could in theory happen either way, they could say it to me too about doing activities near him)

Thanks for your help, it's been invaluable and helped me to understand other points of view and shift things about xxx