shd i move back to london or stay with my mum in (v pretty) backwater?

[regionallytorn]

a bit of a wwyd question really folks.

i am LP to delightful 2 year old and gave up my job in London to move to the southwest near my mum to bring up baby when it became clear that father was in no way interested in having a role.
i have been able to freelance a little bit, and if i sold my flat in london, could possibly afford a little house here.
however, there are no serious career prospects in the sw, and in truth, it's v provincial. i miss my london friends like mad.

I have now got an interview for a job in london, and really don't know what to do if i got it. it's not v well paid, but in a field i'm v passionate about. i would have to live in my one bed flat with my dd and spend most of my salary on childcare.

even though i have loads of friends in london, i am wondering how much i'd get to see them, without my lovely mum's constant help and offers to babysit. on the other hand, here in the southwest, i have loads of babysitting offers but no bloody social life!

i feel so indebted to my mum, but also feel if i stay here, i am throwing away my career. but i also feel that my career now is being a mum, and it's stupid to move to london for work, when freelancing in the sw could still buy me a house and garden for dd, even if it is a rather slow life.

i wonder if i'm idealising my pre-child life in my head?

argh, sorry for ramble. any advice anyone? anybody here moved away from their main support system? or anybody a LP in London? i would be up for single parent houseshare there, i guess, if anybody's done that. thanks.

I'd stay put and focus on building your life in the SW - it's quite good here actually! Do your London friends have kids? I think you might find you have less opportunity to see them and less in common than you did if not. Do you go to any baby groups/classes/ have any hobbies etc?

Although I have no experience of your kind of situation so don't listen to me!

I would say plan to be back to London by the time your dc is starting reception. Do not hold it any longer than that. If you do it gets more complicated because you will be incline to consider your dc feelings too.
Will your mum and relatives be able to come and visit you and dc for long week ends?
Can you start getting free lance work via agencies based in London?
Yes it will be tougher but I think it is better you go and check it out and give yourself a reasonable time to adjust to living in London as a single mum. The 2 years of reception could be a godsend
Ask yourself where would you like to be in 5, 10 years....
I have done the same and do I regret having been away for so long? YES! It was great to start with, the first 2 years I was so wrapped up with my dc that even life in suburbia had its appeal. I also got work and felt very lucky. Fast forward a few years and nothing has changed, work if anything has decreased, chance of a career long gone, we have friends but all married so very lonely at w/e and during holidays. Missing very much the stimulation that comes with living in a city even when you cannot go out but at least you are in touch.
It obviously depends so much on what type of person you are. I truly believe that being a mum will fulfill such a great part of my life that I could enjoy a slower pace, but I was wrong.
During all these years I have not met another SM and it very tedious to be the one odd out because ultimately even my dc gets affected by it. DC gets asked day in day ouy "why doesn't he has a father" and its not pleasant to say the least.

Thanks for replying Ginger...I have been to mother and baby groups and met some nice mums...the problem is that i feel v lonely at weekends, and i don't arrange to see them as they're having 'family time' with their partners & kids. some of my london friends have kids, some dont', but i know i woudl feel v comfortable hanging out with them on a sunday or taking dd to stay over at theirs sat night.

i don't know if i'm the only LP to feel this, but starting new friendships is quite hard in these circumstances....singletons don't get you, while coupled parents are busy doing family things.

i have tried some internet dating to meet male friends/potential lovers but it was all a bit depressing really...

oh my god boxinghelena, cross posts.... EVERYTHING you write strikes a chord.
That's EXACTLY how i feel at weekends. Being in a city gives you that sense of freedom to DO SOEMTHING.

So...are you in London now? Or still in suburbia planning to go back?

Having been a lone parent, with very little income, living in a tiny 1 bed flat with no family around, I'd stay where you are. I live in the SW and, much as I love London, I feel very sure that this is the best place for DS. I now have family nearby, have a little freedom and DS has a garden. He's never been happier. And neither have I. But that's me, not you...

the second one you say
getting there, I have managed to save just about enough cash I am also getting cold feet and feel sorry about leaving - again - but your msg arrived at the very right time for me to remind me that no matter how much hard work it would be it will be worthy in the end

IME working mothers have very little after hours social life during the week anyway.
I would take the job and move back - and perhaps invite your Mum to come up to London for weekends.

You clearly haven't put aside your career plans or passion. Money would be tight to begin with, and it's true that you tend to grow away from old friends if they haven't also got kids, But if you can be in an area of London where there is a good community spirit, it can be a really good place to bring up children - espcially once you start making friends associated with nursery / school etc.

Your baby will be at school full time in 2 and a half years...it doesn't sound as if a bit of freelancing and a slow life will make you happy then!

Stay where you are. You'd be tired when you get in from work in London, you'd have no money to go out or to babysitters to have a social life at weekends would prove difficult anyway. Don't assume you'll be able to have friends over and go to theirs' at the weekends, others are busy too and after all, you'll be busy catching up with yourself and dd having worked all week.

Deffo stay where you are. :) and good luck

Monty27, oh dear... do you live in London? You make it sound really bad

Yes monty, tell us! What's the worse of it? The transport/large distances, expense or working hours?

RT/BH

Oh dear sorry!

Single parent living in London, yes. My marriage broke up when dc's were 4.3 and 1.10. They are teens now but yes times were hard. I don't want to completely put you off though. I'll give you a taster of my experience.

When mine were little I socialised mostly with parents of their school friends, and that is how I built up some sort of social life. But that takes time. I remain friends with many of those parents now. :)

I worked full time (and still do). The dc's went to childminders (fortune) and later on to an afterschool club (cheaper), which closed at 6pm, I had an hour commute so the stress of getting there by 6pm was quite intense. I got some help with paying for childcare through child tax credits and couldn't have done it otherwise. Their df went bankrupt and stopped contributing.

The thing was the tiredness, coming in at 6.30pm at night to face homework, baths, supper all of that, it is tiring, and sometimes lonely. Then housework/laundry/cooking/shopping at the weekends. I couldn't afford much extra curricular activities for them at the weekends either. BUT at that stage in their lives they went to the df's every other weekend and the odd holiday for a week here and there and that was my saviour!! You won't have that??

I would credit myself with being fairly organised and cooked homemade food prepared in advance for the freezer, and took some shortcuts (ready made meals sometimes/pizza etc ), and kept on top of the house during the week as much as I could.

Now that they are older I can look back and ask myself what I could have done or do differently. The answer is get up at the crack of dawn every day, get a wash done, prepare dinner and go to bed really early, neither activities are much in my nature tho .

So, whichever way you do it, you'll be quite alone. You will have weigh it up, how much to you want to work in London and how 'hands on' your friends will be and how close you really are in reality.

If I'd had your choice, I'd stay put.

Best of luck whatever you do. :)

Not read all the posts but you are describing me. I moved back to be near my parents when I had my dd. Life was slower and liked not working to be honest but had no money and found weekends sooooo lonely as friends were with their partners. I moved back to London last sept and I love it. But....... I do have the disposable income to make up for the fact that I work loads of hours during the week. So can afford babysitters if I want to go out. Be prepared that your London friends may have moved on a bit. And your life has changed and my biggest surprise was that I had changed too so it can be a wierd feeling. Life won't be like it was pre baby, you just have to give it time to make a different life.

Life is not great here if you are struggling financially and if you end up working to survive I would stay where you are and take time to settle there.

Nannyj - oh definitely, money helps! When exh was contributing I did have a cleaner for a while which helped and less of the angst of being broke helped of course :)

Maybe another thing I could have changed was not to be pernickity houseproud etc but that's just not me.

Waves to Monty

I would echo alot of what Monty says about the weekly routine etc and extreme tiredness etc BUT where Id disagree is that in your position would move back here to London even if for a trial period.

Ive lived here for 23 years and split with exh five years ago when dcs were 9 and just 5.

It is extremely tough and expensive and Im quite disorganised but I know that Id feel trapped and demotivated if I moved back to the provinces (originally from East of England)

I also still have that anxiety where I leave work at 5 to have to collect ds2 by 6.

Here is tough but there are alot more possibilities and life!!

Since I had split Ive made new friends (both married and single parents) including through mumsnet plus I could have a great social life with work (although I don't go out that often because of babysitting cost)

But my dcs are now getting older so can see a bit more freedom on the horizon.

I would cling on to living in London by my fingernails.

But appreciat that we're not all the same and different people like different things.

yes I can't afford a cleaner anymore and the house if very untidy and lived in.

Waves back at SCL

Ah, see I'm still misty eyed about living out of London :)

(But I was horrified once when in the West Country and went back to a shop at 4pm to buy a lovely coat I'd seen earlier and it was shut at 4pm on a Saturday! )

So maybe it's just 'misty eyed'.

Well, I live in a tiny village in the extreme SW, and it's FULL of single mothers! I have a pretty good social life considering I can hardly ever afford a babysitter- especially in the summer- camping, festivals, trips to the beach etc...

So there are cultural "clusters" down here- I think it helps that our nearest town has an art college, so lots of bohemian types (me included) moved down for that and stayed..

Another artist just stuck her head in the studio door for a chat, and we agreed- we are absolutely skint, yet have a pretty good quality of life despite that, due to our beautiful surroundings, and all the good things you can do for free down here.

I used to live in London, and IMO you need to be either rich, or young and feckless, to appreciate it. My family actually live in the suburban SE, and I really miss being so far away from the support they offer, but I would NEVER move back to the Home Counties! My SIL is thinking about putting her 1-year-old down for school already, due for pressure for places- it takes ages to get a doctor's appt, and the price of property is so high! (although you have a flat, so that's good)...Here, if I ring up the doctor for an appt. for DS, I normally get one that day, and all the local schools are struggling for pupils- they'll welcome him with open arms.

One other point, thinking ahead- inner city secondary schools. That's all I'm saying. (unless your flat just happens to be in the catchment area of a good one).

You are right to say there are no jobs here though-it's appalling! So I guess the question is whether to struggle with a moderate income somewhere the price of living is sky- high, or to have a much smaller income in the Land of the Skint, be more relaxed and have more time-although less money-to spend with your child?

Gosh, thank you so much for your feedback, it's really, really helpful (and i hope you for you too, boxingh)

Fortunately for me, the job I'm going for is just 3 days a week, with some working from home opportunities. The freelancing I do I do at evenings and saturdays, so if I move back to London I'd only have to pay out for 3 days' childcare. The rest I could do from home (although hard to work in tiny flat with 2 year old at your feet )

The other (maybe bonkers) thing I'm thinking of is commuting to London. It's a 31/2 trip though, so I'd go down say Monday morn and back v late Weds night and leave dd with my mum. It would be hard leaving her overnight for two nights, but would a) resurrect my career, which is important b) earn London money in order to find a better home for me and dd in the SW (tho i'd have extortionate rail costs)

It doesn't solve the social life thing, but maybe i just have to be more patient on that front.

Still torn, though.

nannyj do you live alone? do you have close friends near you in London? what are your childcare arrangements? It's really interesting reading about people's strategies. I can see how a cleaner would be a mammoth help, but am not sure i could afford it.

just putting my name forward as a cleaner here

OP... the commuting thing... It could work for the time being but...
dont you need to cash in on renting your flat? Its all happening in your area you should make the most of it...

I want to live where maledetta does!
It's a hard decision op. Rushed and skint in London v bored and lonely in the provinces?! Doesn't have to be so grim. I miss London tremendously, but would struggle there on my income. I think I miss the relatively carefree and impulsive life I had there before dc, mainly. Am currently in sticks, work full time and have made some great friends, although it did take time (couple of years).
In your position I'd probably opt for the commute option until you are clear on what you prefer, see how job is, etc. I think you'll have a good time either way tbh, and make the most of the advantages of either position. Sounds like you have some really exciting possibilities either way. Good luck!

Ninah I think Maledetta's town would be right up your street

RT - the commute might be the best of both worlds. Could you share your flat in London for some income?

I do live alone but am very lucky to get a flat paid for by my bosses. I take my dd to work with me so no childcare costs and I have a cleaner three olhours a week. I usually pay a babysitter once a month to go out but sometimes not as it doesn't really bother me too much at the moment. All of my friends are here apart from the friends I made at NCT. If I could have made a good living and not struggled I would have stayed put to be honest. I love London but it can be a grind with the long hours and tiredness. But it can also be great. I'm very lucky to be in the position I am in. If I had to struggle I would rather not struggle in London but somewhere else.

I'd look for the middle ground. How about a regional city, ooh possibly Bristol. Close enough to your Mum, less than two hours on the train to London and lots to do. Yes, I am a LP in Bristol, there's lots of us . Jobs aren't too dire, cultural and quirky, housing can be pricey though.