Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

stopped my DD's father seeing her

17 replies

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 10:19

I know that sounds harsh but here is the story.

You have probly seen from a older post, he didnt bother on her bday ect ect.

He has her on a saturday, not the saturday just gone or the one before that the one before he said that he had to work so he was going to be late ( this didnt bother me). I had to go to chester with my mum and dad or something so i rang his mum and asked if she would look after my DD untill her dad got hom then she told me he was in bed and nver had work :/. Then i got on te phone to him and he said he was 'tierd' because he never went to sleep till 7 oclock knowing he had the baby but yea he still went out.
I told himi would leave her with my aunty so he would have to pick her up at 2 oclock and not to be late. he agreed to his.
It tured half 3 and my aunty had to take her round to his, he wouldnt get out of bed he was getting shouted 4 half an hour before he come to the door to get her, my aunty was late going were ever she had to go and i couldnt do much as i was in Chester.

Saturday just gone he was ment to get her at 9:30 but didnt turn up, so i rang him at 10:30 asked what was going on and he gave the same old story i slept in.

He does this most weeks and i have always put up with it. I rang him a few weeks ago and asked him to get DD nappies because i didnt get paid till the week after, he said "i will bring some around later for you" he didnt show up didnt ring to say he wasnt coming. He hasnt gave money or brought her anything for about 6 months.

He puts everyone/everything before his daughter. He would rather smoke canabis than make sure his daughter has evertyhting she need's.

My dd was in hospital Monday last week, he knew about ity and didnt ring or text to see how she was, ive not heard from him since he had her last, he hasnt rang to see how she is, if she needs anything :/ he is a joke.

I am being unreasonable for stopping him seeing her?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 10:20

Sorry about the grammer and spelling

OP posts:

eden263 · 27/02/2011 10:32

YANBU. He is not acting like a proper father. Does he have parental responsibility? If not, you can say he can't see her for now, because of his behaviour, then his solicitor can apply for him to see her supervised at a contact centre, where unless he toes the line and attends all the times that have been agreed and actually shows some kind of responsibility and intention to act appropriately, in her best interests, they will get pretty fed up with him, and it'll go against him if you ever need to go to court.

portaloo · 27/02/2011 10:38

From what I have read, it appears that you have to motivate him to see his DD, that if you decided not to make the arrangements, he probably wouldn't bother.
How old is your DD?
Does he have PR? Is there a contact order in place?

What would happen if you just stopped making all of the effort? If you didn't contact him and just waited for him to contact you (presuming you keep him up to date with your contact details)?

I am a little confused as to what you are actually going to do to stop him seeing DD? Do you mean, if he rings, you will refuse to let him see DD? Or do you mean you will contact him one last time to tell him he wont be seeing DD anymore? Or will you just stop arranging contact on his behalf?

BestNameEver · 27/02/2011 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 10:43

He isnt on the birth certificate. He was a great dad at first but then decided he didnt want to know anymore.

I told him if he wants to see her he can take me to court. He ia going around saying i am a bad mother and i dont care about my child (he is one to talk). I have my child everyday of the week apart from a Saturday when he did have her. I pay for everything she needs andi have done most of her life. he was giving 30 pound a week up untill she was 6 months oldthen he walked out of her life for 3 months, after the 3 months he rang to ask if he could see her so i let him and now he is acting like this :/.

I feel more sorry for my DD as she loves him and loves spending time with him, but its not fare when she is waiting for him and he dont turn up for her.

I dont get why people could turn their backs on their child, i couldnt do that my baby is my life and there is nothing i would rather do more than spend time with her, spending money on her ect ect.

His mum agree's with me, so does his dad and his partner.

She stayed there a few months ago and some drug dealer came to his house with a gun and said "if you dont have me 300 pound by tomorrow i will put 3 holes through you while youre baby is there" I only found out about this the other day.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 10:48

my DD is just turned 2. And i am 20.

i have tried the whole 'telling him he can see her but not doing the chasing around'.

He did have a partner, she was also my friend from school. and he was great wanted to see her all the time, when they split up he didnt show no interest in the baby wasnt at all botherd about how she was/what she was doing.

I dont know what to do for the best anymore :(

OP posts:

portaloo · 27/02/2011 10:49

Has your XP got a drug problem?

I don't think I'd be letting my DD stay overnight with a man like that.
I think I'd expect nothing from him personally, and wait until he gets in touch himself.
If you get on with his mum and dad, maybe visit them with DD so your DD has some contact with her paternal family and wait for your XP to contact you?

Have you considered going to the CSA for maintenance? (Does your XP have a regular job?)

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 11:09

My XP smokes weed, i know he dont do it around our DD though.

His mother come to mine every Tuesday to see my DD. I told his dad he is welcome to come visit her when ever he like but he has never botherd.

If it goes to court thats when i will get the CSA involved because he has a job atm but not sure how long it will last he keeps getting sacked for fighting ect ect. he lost his last 1 because he sliced someone 3 times, thats what his mum said anyway :/

OP posts:

portaloo · 27/02/2011 11:38

Seems alot of debt to have over weed, that's the reason I asked.

I would go to CSA tomorrow morning. Whether he loses his job or not, at least you have done all you can to get some maintenance for your DD. She deserves it imo.

I would continue with building up a good relationship between your XP's mum and your DD, and let XP contact you when he wants to see DD. If he doesn't contact you, then you'll have left the door open IYSWIM, and you wont have been obstructive in letting DD see her father.
If he does contact you, then I'd let DD see him, but not let DD stay at his overnight for the foreseeable. Personally, I'd make sure XP was supervised when he saw DD, either by his mother or yourself.

What do your parents think?
What would you like to see happen sweetchecks ?

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 11:58

My parents are agreeing with me because i have gave him all the chances i can, and they just dont want to see the baby get hurt when she is older.

I would love for him go back to being a great dad and being there for her and supporting her ect ect.

He hasnt even botherd ringing to see how she is the last 2-3 weeks let alone ringing to see her :(

OP posts:

edam · 27/02/2011 12:01

I think you are being very reasonable and are protecting dd from disappointment and rejection, while maintaining bonds with her Dad's family. But do leave the door open in case your ex ever grows up and turns into a responsible adult. Faint hope but maybe one day he can be a decent father.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 27/02/2011 12:13

Thank you guys :)

That door will always be open for him to see her. I am just not doing the running around anymore, Maybe if he does take me to court it will be better, he will still get to see her but he cant let her down because he will have to face the music.

I hope he does step up to the mark and be a good dad, she needs a good dad not someone that decides if he wants to be a dad or not on the day.

OP posts:

Drizzela · 27/02/2011 13:36

Here is what I would do: Set a time and day once a week where you and the child can be at home and have no other plans. Tell your ex he may come and see her (even take her out or to his) at this time but don't make other plans yourself or tell your child to expect their father. If he doesnt come your child won't feel let down. If he does come - great.

Put it all in writing and that way when your child is older you can explain you did everything you could for them to see their dad.

RoseAnn · 27/02/2011 18:50

my exp was ment to be seeing ma daughter today i normaly take her on the 40 mile trip to see him and pay for train as well as this he never pays me any money.......

she been ill over weekend so i phoned him last night and asked him to travel down he seid yeh so at 1 2day went to meet him of his train and he wasnt on in ma lil girl cried as train pulleed away saying dady dadyy :(:(

but he didnt come so i text his friend (he doesnt have own phone or atlest i dnt have no.) and told him what had happen n if he new where exp was he seid he didnt then at 4 oclock i got phone call sayin how dare i complain to his mates and embarses him !!! and was like offened!!!! i didnt do anythink rong .... did I??

:( i dnt understand it all

Drizzela · 27/02/2011 19:16

Of course you did nothing wrong!

it seems a good idea to protect these kids by not letting them know to expect daddy, if daddy wants to come he'll have to make the effort.

portaloo · 27/02/2011 20:28

sweetchecks Court wont make a bad absent father a good regular involved father.
You'd be surprised how often a father is made to face consequences for failing to stick to contact ordered by the court. IME, it doesn't happen often.

Original poster

sweetchecks · 28/02/2011 22:58

RoseAnn you didnt do nothing wrong i would of done the same. Thats also proving my point on what i dont want my kid to go threw. I dont want to tell her that her daddy is coming and the see the look on her face when he doesnt turn up. He didnt even bother turning up to see her on her b-day because he was in the pub drinking :(.

I want him to step up to the mark and be a good daddy to my little girl but if he dont want to i cant make him. I shouldnt have to make him he should want to be there.

His mother rang today to see how DC was, I am letting her stay over at her house on sunday so she still has someone out of her dads family who wants to spend time with her :).

When his mother rang i told her DC hasnt been well the last few days, she phoned me bck about 10 minutes later after she had been on the phone to XP telling him DC wasnt well and all he had to say about it was 'its not my problem she's her mum she can deal with it'

I just dont understand how you can be like that with youre kids.

OP posts:

Flip