when teenagers refuse to see their dad

[lifeshock]

Hi
I have posted on her previously basically my husband left out of the blue a couple of months ago said he didn't love me and had no interest in the kids. They are both teenagers still at school. He saw them once for five minutes when he was picking his stuff up in the first two weeks. Since then he has tried to maintain some contact seeing them once a week at the most, he only lives 5 minutes away.
These visits are getting harder to maintain, they both do stuff like deliberately go out when they know he is coming. I then get him raving at me that I am turning them against me. Or he will say right I will wait here (on my couch) until they come back. Sometimes for over an hour!!! then they go straight up to their rooms.
They have a lot of bitterness towards him because the oldest heard him say that he wasn't interested in them anymore, he has also said stuff to him like he finds it hard spending time with him because he looks so much like me.
I have actually tried to get the kids to see their dad, I remember when my mum and dad split and I lost contact with my dad and it is the last thing I want for them. But thats just it, how do I force them? Should I be forcing them?
Has anyone been in a similar position?

You should definitely not be forcing them! They are very angry and hurt, it is a nonsense to make them have a relationship with him when they don'[t want one with him right now. They have to go through their own process about what has happened - give them the space and respect to do that. He's got a cheek that although he has ripped your family apart he is making demands and throwing accusations about. Levelly inform him that the children have clearly made their choice, which has nothing to do with you - they're not blind or stupid and he has behaved badly. It's also totally unacceptable for him to sit on your sofa for an hour - in future I would not let him in to the house. Arrange contact elsewhere and if they don't turn up then maybe he has to face a few home truths - though I doubt he will and will continue to blame you, like a baby. (How does he expect his children to respect him if he's behaving like that?)

"don't let him in to the house" - unless he can behave himself. Make it a condition. He's acting like a kid so imo it is appropriate to treat him like one ie strong and clear boundaries.

Agree smokingnuns
They have to have time to come round themselves.

Please dont let him in though.

Thanks yes I thought that too, just don't want to be labelled as one of those women who never let their exs see the kids, I shouldn't be forcing them. I will leave it up to them and make no comment. I know what you mean about him sitting on my couch it is very annoying I got his key back once but he got it again saying he needed to pick some stuff up. Really need it back he is defo not welcome in my house anymore.

Ask him for the key back or look into getting the locks changed if possible. If you can't afford to right now then a chain or a bolt will be just as effective. There's no law that says you have to open the door to him either.

Btw I agree with smokingnuns. Don't try to force them to see him right now, it will just make them resentful. If you don't push it they may agree to see him in the future.

I am constantly amazed how men (and some women although I've never personally heard of any) can treat their spouses and children so despicably. LS your story is unbelievable, your poor kids. They are at such a tender age to have to deal with this. So many emotions going on. Your husband is an incredibly selfish and inconsiderate individual (I'm being generous here, and ladylike). I'm not surprised your kids don't want to see him..would you? Leave them to make their own decisions, and keep HIM well and truly on the doorstep, in fact at the garden gate if you've got one. Consider yourself and your children only, NOT him. Remember LS time is the greatest healer, give your kids that time, hopefully your fool of a husband may also benefit from it. :( sorry, harsh words I know, but you all deserve better treatment than that.

(((hugs)))

Do you know what I am going to do that and get stronger. I used to be quite a strong, confident person before this happened but feel I have had all my fight kicked out of me and now I just roll over and take whatever he gives me. Wish I could find a confidence pill. Will have to work on that. Thanks for the advice xx

Have been thinking about this thread over the weekend. I echo all the other posters who say you should stop his access to your home. He has behaved dreadfully to you and I think there is no legal or moral requirement for you to invite him in.

However, the future relationship between the children and there father is something else. If they are both still at school (eg young teens) then IMO they are too young to decide whether or not to have a relationship with their father. They need to be able to discuss the issues, voice their resentment and hurt. If you allow them to keep avoiding him (and you are, if you let them go out/sulk in their rooms without pulling them up about it) then they get the picture pretty quick that you are condoning that behaviour, that you think it is justified. If they get that message from your actions, you'll get nowhere telling them any different.

I'd write to your ex, explain that you no longer feel it is appropriate that he see the children in your home and that this puts pressure on them. Tell him (don't ask) that he needs to acknowledge the hurt and anger the children feel about his words about them (not his actions wrt you) and that you are going to arrange some family counselling for them and you strongly suggest he attends. Say that you will insist that the children go for contact and then outline a pattern you think is reasonable in the interim (couple of hours and he has to take them out).

Talk to the kids and explain that you understand they are angry, but that you want them to have a relationship with their Dad and that you won't allow the basic rudeness of disappearing when he is due. You could encourage them to show their feelings in other ways - writing him a letter, for example.

And keep a copy of the letter.

Argh...keep a copy of the letter you send to Dad, of course, not a copy of the child's personal letter! Sorry!