Forcing Contact......

[talie101]

DC's refusing to see father. Typically he thinks its me stopping them. I've tried everything possible to find out why they don't want to go and suggested ways to start up visits again, but being youngish they just can't seem to explain why. "They just don't want to go". They get upset if I ask them to tell him direct - always get me to tell him they don't want to go! I know a few reasons but don't want to point a finger at him as it will make an already fragile relationship worse and the last thing I want to do because that will do more damage to the DC's. They aren't major issues to an adult but obviously are to them. He flatly refuses to meet up with me to discuss anything, more so since he's remarried and I presume would not go down well with his wife (long story - OW and insecure). Get no joy when try to talk to her either (have suggested a meet up in the past but she won't). Have suggested he just meet with DC's and resolving direct, but also to no avail.

Been quite a while since seen father and now he's going to force them (by picking them up and manhandling them into his car I presume! I'm sure until resolved they will still refuse to go) - totally the wrong way to resolve and I foresee a lot of unneccessary tears, trauma and long term damage for everyone.

His relationship with me and the DC's is just getting worse instead of better since remarried and I don't have a clue what to about it. I want them to have a good relationship with him but his animosity towards me is getting in the way of this happening.

Any suggestions?

How old are your DCs? And what is the contact schedule like?

Yes how old are they and do you have a contact order in place? I have some recent experience of this with a 3 and 4 year old.

I think there comes a point when you have done all you can. Maybe you could have him come to yours, or you could all meet up somewhere so that DC's have their Mum. Not sure how this would go down with new wife but I think it would be a bit much to have her there as well. Forcing them will only make it worse but maybe gradual introduction without any fuss will work. Is there somewhere you take DC's regularly like the park? Have ex-p meet you there and just have him present, see how DC's are with that. I suppose better advice needs more info.

Why do you have to force it - why does it have to happen? I 'forced' contact and I so wish I hadnt. Now they're grown up I wish I could have my time again as he had no respect for me and poisoned my kids against me which imo has been much worse for them in the long run. They are all depressed and messed up, I wish I had let it lie the way it was, for them to pick up when they were older. You're just going to have to let him think it's you who is the villain - you know that isn't true. We all bow too much to the idea that it is always essential for kids to have a father in their lives. I beg to differ about the 'always'.

To be honest, unless there are any concerns about their safety, I'd be clear with them that they have to go. You don't give their ages but children pick up on lots of 'vibes' and that can lead to difficult behaviour. DH and I have manhandled DSS into our car when he was refusing to go back to his mother's - I'm fairly sure there was no long term damage, but a lesson learned about throwing tantrums when told to do something.