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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is there such a thing as 'too much' access?

13 replies

BattyBadgerBadger · 18/10/2005 12:11

H and I separtated nearly two weeks ago. He visits the LO's three evenings a week (straight from work until bedtime) and for most of the afternoon and evening each weekend day.

Friends have commented that this is 'too much' access, I think largely because it takes place in my home. He is staying at his parents at the moment and for many reasons it is better for him to come here. I have no problem with making myself scarce, in fact the arrangement suits me as I train the three evenings he's here and once at the weekend.

Can anyone see any problems with this, is there something I'm missing? Friends seem concerned with the acces I'm giving him to my home, but it's the children's home too. It's maybe not ideal but is working reasonably well so far.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

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sykes · 18/10/2005 12:14

Hi, Badger, if you're okay with it I don't see anything wrong - it's what I did when h had left. The girls loved it, had their toys around, but he also took them out a bit as and when time allowed. He really missed them as they did him. And it gave me more time to do things that i needed/wanted to do.

colditz · 18/10/2005 12:15

If it works for you, I don't see a problem. A lot of people use access to 'punish' their ex partner, so maybe if your friends think he was horrible to you they think you aren't 'punishing' him enough.

I think you are doing the rght thing though.

BudaBabe · 18/10/2005 12:18

At the end of the day your children come first in all of this and this seems like a great solution for them. It may not work forever but at the moment and with the split being so recent I would say it is a great way to get all of you used to the new arrangements.

winnie · 18/10/2005 12:19

BBB, if this arrangement works for you don't worry about what other people say.

Perhaps whilst you are on, what seem like, good terms this is a good point to get a proper agreement written up.

The only problem I can see relates is if you suddenly aren't training and need your home back.

ninah · 18/10/2005 12:46

hello bb sounds like things are going well for you! really pleased.

Passionkiller · 18/10/2005 13:31

It sounds to me as if you are both doing the right thing and putting the children first. If it's working for you ignore what others are saying.

It will probably change gradually once your H has established a place of his own and I reckon a gradual change is best for the children.

Good for both of you.

chipkid · 18/10/2005 13:39

I agree with all of the above-the only problems I forsee are if you want to change-reduce the level of contact or to stop your ex from visiting your home at some point in the future. If he is not ready for the contact to change it may result in resentment/arguments/court proceedings etc. You are in the best position to know if this is a real probability. Having spent much of my working life trying to negotiate contact arrangements for others-I would say the more flexible and amicable-the better for everybody
good luck

weesaidie · 18/10/2005 14:10

Sounds good to me. As for it being your home, well it has only been 2 weeks, he'll get his own place soon enough!

My ex has my dd two nights and one full weekend day a week and it works for us. For a long time he visited her at mine and it meant I could go out or we could just look after her together.

Good luck.

madmummyof2 · 18/10/2005 16:39

i dont see a problem with it hun. in fact it has many positives.
because he is there a lot your children wont notice so much that he has left. when the situation changes you can alter the times eh sees them accordingly.

if it aint broke dont fix it.

stitch · 18/10/2005 20:10

ha! i wish my live in husband had as much involvement as your ex does.
tell your friends to sod off and mind their own business!

hoolagirl · 18/10/2005 21:45

This sounds as if its really working well just know. The kids need to know that their daddy isnt going to disappear just because you have split up. He will need reassured that you are not going to stop him seeing his kids because you have split up and you will need reassured that he isnt going to abandon them.
Tell your friends to mind their own !!
As long as things stay amicable, things will work themselves out, its only been 2 weeks.
Good Luck for all of you x

Nightynight · 18/10/2005 21:55

bbb, dx and I have lived in 2 houses that we own jointly since our divorce, and we are now planning to buy 2 houses next door to each other! not sure how it will work out though. I now feel that I want my own front door, and a house that he doesn't have access to, but this comes gradually, and at your own pace. (For example, in a couple of years time, you may have a new man.)
It sounds as though you are doing the best for your children, hope everything goes well for you.

Original poster

BattyBadgerBadger · 19/10/2005 22:29

Wow, thanks for so much reassurance!

We have a written agreement, which is subject to change once his living arrangements do, so I guess that's that aspect covered for now.

I do feel comfortable with this arrangement, though too much listening to well meaning friends was clouding the issue for me, so thanks again for your support

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