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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Arguments with the ex

8 replies

missjennilou · 24/02/2011 14:58

My ex is abusive (not violently), argumentative and a down right tool.

He has my daughter regularly and puts her to bed two nights a week at mine whilst i am at college. I want this to stop.

I am happy for him to continue seeing her on the days arranged but i do not want him in my house anymore. This means that a family member will have to be here to put her to bed.

Im worried that she will hate me for it. She loves the time she gets with her dad and as much as i dont want to take that time away from her, i seriously cannot cope with his behavior anymore.

We have tried to be civil and to be honest when we are ok we get on really well but then sure enough a month or so later an argument erupts and he becomes totally unreasonable and down right insulting, in front of our daughter.

What should I do? I am planning on changing the locks because i want to make a point that he is not welcome in my home anymore but my daughter will be distraught (at first). Surely her witnessing these arguments is much more distressing in the long run?

OP posts:

Mummalish · 24/02/2011 15:17

Perhaps she can spend a few nights at his house? Then you wont have to have much to do with him and he wont come into your home?

Niceguy2 · 24/02/2011 15:48

Yes, the obvious solution would be for her to go to his house instead on the same days.

Smum99 · 24/02/2011 17:43

The positive is that your daughter has a good relationship with him. That is important, so don't lose sight of that. I'm not sure about the practicalities but why can't he have his daughter at his own house? It's completely usual for the ex to the person we get irritated most by but can you and him agree that you never argue infront of your child? Really it can be done - it takes patience and willingness but you can get there.

Your child will want to see her dad and she will want her parents to not argue (infront of her). I know it's hard, as I've been there ,but the reward comes later when your child thanks you.

I do think long term your ex will need to have overnights as I don't think it is substainable to have an ex in your 'space'. I think after a period of time it just feels too uncomfortable.

Original poster

missjennilou · 24/02/2011 19:11

He has her overnight every other weekend but he is not keen on having her overnight during the week. I did suggest this.

Having my ex in my space is a serious drain of my much needed energy but i dont want to deprive my daughter of her dad.

We do really try to not argue but i think it just gets built up over time.

thanks for all your messages

OP posts:

Mobly · 24/02/2011 19:49

You are right, it is better that she sees her dad regularly but without witnessing the nastiness. His choice is either have your daugther at his or not at all.

I gave my ex too many chances to behave while having my boys at my house and he could never be civil. Once a dick always a dick IMO.

mmsmum · 24/02/2011 22:44

If you want it to stop, then it stops. If you get home and the feeling is bad dc won't like it. It would be much better if she stayed at his or you collected her later from there. It wouldn't be fair to tell him he can't see her on those nights but it's totally fair that you both work something out now that you don't want him in the house.

If you don't want to tell him why you don't want him there, just tell him you think dc is big enough now, or that you trust him more. Make him think its a positive thing and you are doing it from them

mmsmum · 24/02/2011 22:44

from=for

Gster · 25/02/2011 09:39

I'm currently trying to negotiate with my XP over access to my DD after a recent split. And although we try to stay amicable, there are I think naturally some arguements.

I refuse to talk about any contentious issues with my XP in front of DD. Quite happy to after she's in bed though. If an the mearest whif of an argument started in front of DD I'd literally walk away.

For us, a weekly visit at my XP's home is the only option during the week as I live in a different area. It's not ideal, but it does give the XP a chance to go out and me some time in the week with DD.

The point is that our situation isn't ideal with me having to see DD at hers. But we need to make it work, as the alternative is that I don't see DD in the week. If I turned up and was abusive, I'd be told not to come around anymore, and rightly so.

Arguing or being abusive to an XP in front of a child in my book is unacceptable how ever one looks at it.

If your XP wants to see his daughter at yours he needs to understand these things and move on from what ever is bugging him. If he doesn't I think you've every right to stop him coming round.

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