Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Need some advice with dealing with the father of my child. Thanks

10 replies

chodids · 24/02/2011 12:03

Hi, I have a serious issue with my son's dad. We are separated since my son's birth (6years), he is married and has more children. He sees him for coffees or ballpark trips when it suits him and twice a year he takes him on a short break, usually to his affair which lives in Spain. I asked him to stop that because my son got confused and wonders why he has so many women, his dad does not leave a chance to try it on on me too even in front of my son. He took him this time for a trip without a woman to north africa for 5 days, he did not contact me and I had to ring the hotel to ask if he checked in to make sure that all is ok. On the last day day of their trip I got lot's of emails, texts demanding then begging that he wants to sleep at my house when he returns on the night they return (i did not have any sexual relationship with him since my son was born), I did not reply to any of those messages. When I picked them up from the airport, he was so angry and insulted me, called me whatever swear word he could think of and was very scary in front of my son. at home my son told me that dad left him alone at the pool, restaurant and bar during he went to the room or wherever. We had a lot of disturbing things going on in the past but this time I have to change things for good. I decided now to try to live without maintenance money from his dad but do not know how to deal with him having a relationship with my son. my son loves him but he is always very verbally abusive towards me and does not care about the safety of him, he does not use car seats...not brushed him once the teeth. My son and I have a really good relationship and I want the best for him. How should I deal with his dad???
Thank you

OP posts:
lilacisinlove · 24/02/2011 12:06

Sounds to me like you need to keep the child support money, your son is entitled to it, but arrange for supervised contact and stop the 'holidays'.

JustForThisOne · 24/02/2011 12:30

totally agree with Lila comment
You can disagree on holidays abroad all together and try to work out handovers so you do not have to meet him
Curious to know what your answer was to ds question about why dad has got an harem

Original poster
chodids · 24/02/2011 12:46

He asked me 'why does daddy want to marry so many women when he is already married, is that not naughty?" I told him it is and left it there and tried to sort it out with his dad but he is unable to have a grown up conversation about it and his usual answer is 'he (my son) is cool about it'. The problem is I'm not in a relationship and at the moment he is the main male role model for him and I worry very much that he teaches him wrong values.

OP posts:
mmsmum · 24/02/2011 14:57

Why have you decided to do without his money? Keep his money! Your son deserves it. Maybe your ex is a sex addict? I think you are perfectly entitled to tell him he can't take him on holiday anymore, you have his passport right?!

ladydeedy · 24/02/2011 16:48

his "affair which lives in Spain" - I am not sure I understand this bit. Are you saying he has a girlfriend in Spain that he usually sees but on this occasion took your son elsewhere on his own?

Original poster
chodids · 24/02/2011 17:34

yes he has got a wife and a girlfriend in spain, where he used to take my son but I asked him to stop taking my son there. I do not care how many women he has got as long as he doesn't take my son into his web of lies. i'm just worried about him leaving my son on his own in a strange country during he is in his hotel room and then insulting me. i do not want his money for the moment anymore until i got the visiting issues with him sorted out otherwise he will hold that over me. does that make sense? and of course i won't let him leave the country again. i know that i will get now a lot of bullying and insults, that's why i posted here to have the courage to stick with my plans.

OP posts:
happygolucky0 · 24/02/2011 19:18

No don't allow him to hold money over you. You work hard to look after his/your son. Your son deserves that money. It costs money to feed/buy clothes and all the hundred other things that the son you both have responsibity for needs. Please reconsider! Hit him where it hurts why should he not pay. Or go through CSA if you don't want to deal with it.

I wouldn't not let my child experience hoildays where I didn't feel at ease with the situation. Stay strong and positive.

Gonzo33 · 25/02/2011 05:13

If I were in your situation I would not allow the holidays to continue, but would the contact back home. At least if he is then leaving your dc alone dc can contact you and you can pick him up.

Do NOT allow him to stop payment. Payment and contact are two separate issues and must be treated as such. If he gives you grief about it (and my exh still does after 8 years) tell him so. Any court will look dimly on someone who tries to negotiate contact with child support in UK (or so I was told by my solicitor when we were going to court - my ex tried to get me to accept none in return for his signature).

Me xx

smokingnuns · 26/02/2011 10:43

OP, you need to see a solicitor to put contact and money in place and stapled down by law so he can't fiddle with it or hold it over your head to manipulate you. If your ex is abusive towards you then that is very damaging for your son (not to mention all the other things that go on during contact!). The poor kid is being presented with the most appalling behaviour and yet you are still sending him into the lions den to be chewed up all over again - I assume because the perceived wisdom is that kids need their dads in their lives, regardless of what their dads are like - I don't agree. Your son is disciplined when he behaves badly, and yet his dad is not disciplined at all but gets carte blanche to behave as he likes. Call Womens Aid to get a list of family solicitors in your area and tell all this to your solicitor - you can get first half hour free to establish what you can do legally (you get through a lot in half an hour) and you may be eligible for legal aid if money is an issue. It may be expensive to hire a lawyer but it is an essential expense - you can also do a lot of the donkey work yourself, saving you a lot of money. You can pay the firm back in installments over years if necessary (a lot of firms offer this). I recommend you go the legal route as there are many issues here that need to be sorted out legally because your ex is taking the piss and thinks he can do what he likes. The law will take a very dim view of his behaviour.
Did your son see you were angry at what had happened during these holidays? He needs to see that you are very angry that these things happened, that your son was subjected to this, otherwise his world will be very confusing eg his comment that it is wrong for his dad to have women left and right. Good luck, and I'm sorry you've had to put up with such an idiot in your lives Sad

BromptonBugle · 01/03/2011 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread